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Crab Battle 2
5-14-2007 4:27:18 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

CBS 2: Prolouge: Laying down the sword: Ansem’s Farewell

( the forest was dark, devoid of life, a haven for the bounty of nature itself, now a place of darkness, made fit for brooding)

{darkness is all around, a mysterious figure walks alone}

(the world was once a place of dismal hope and sorrow, run by corrupt rulers, but was saved, the most unlikely of heros, this heros name was known and feared by many, his name was.....)

{the figure stops in his tracks gripping his forehead in pain}

???????:{creepy sinister voice}"Ansemmmmmmmm, oh Ansemmmmmmmmmm"

Ansem:"what the? whats going on?"

{Ansem is a tall figure, wearing a black trenchcoat, at his side, is a sinister katana, his facial figures are of that of a haggard war vet, hence the eyepatch, the sign of a hellish struggle of some sort}

Ansem:"..........what is this? whos there?{his body flares a dark aura}"

?????:"im you Ansemmmmm, i am your...........inner voiceeeeeeeee."

Ansem:"inner voice eh? this hasnt happened before, not since...."

??????:"since you merge with another soul yesssssss?

Ansem", lovely."

?????:" aha, yes, im that part of you locked away for good, you've comesssss, along wayyyyyys."

Ansem:" (walks through the forest at a faster pace) Just Leave me alone."

?????:"you cant run from what you are, your ways will consume you.."

Ansem:"just shut up..."

(the forest continues to grow darker, the trees are dead, the air smells of decay)

?????:"your running, you saved the world and your going to run, away from what you are. hahahahahaha."

Ansem:" you think i'll let my evil ways and mind take hold of me?, you forget who i am."

?????:"oh, no i havent, your powers are far too powerful to keep in control, the darkness will consume you, oh yessss it willl...."

Ansem:"just shut up damnit."

{ansem arrives at a clearing, for some reason this area was devoid of the decay, flowers grew, the path went on to a cliff, a nice view of the ocean ahead}

????:"you are not alone ansemmmmmm, look"

{the voice was right the was someone at the cliff, a caped figure, that was, green}

Frog:":" Cyrus, i will nevereth forgeteth what bravery you have shown me, You have made my who i ameth todayeth!!"

????:"go ahead ansem, let that power control you like it should, go on kill him, show him what fear and power you wield!!!!!"



Frog:"whateth is this!!?? A FOE!!! (withdraws masmune) cometh, fight to the death!!!"

?????:"dont just stand there you foolish human, KILL HIM!!!"

Ansem:"funny, im not really that human at all, looks like your not part of me at all."

Frog:"are youeth going to payeth atttentioneth!!! im wasting valueble storyline hereeth!!!:

Ansem:"sorry, im not here to fight, just get out of my way."

{a small creature is crawling up frogs cape,ansem begins to twitch}

Frog"Foul Knave!!! you interrupteth my dialogueth!! thou must payeth!!!"

{creature is visible on Frogs shoulder, its a....................}


Frog:"Stop the nonesenseth!! FIGHT!!!!"

{crab pinces his claws}

Ansem:" OH ITS ON MUTHAFUCKAH!!! CRABBBBBBBB {aura of darkness surrounds ansem, various demonic tattoos on his body flare in dark red light} BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

(a beam of dark energy rushes from ansems hand, hitting frog in explosive light, sending him flying off the cliff and into the ocean covered in flames)

?????:"what the, so this is what the Dark One, was talking about....."


????:"his mind is too warped for any human, its starting to kill me, til next time ansemmmmmmmmmm."

Frog: "{floating in the ocean} ACK IT THY BURNETHS ME!!!! at list i am a frog, and have no fear of dying now, for i can thy swimeth!!"

(giant cheep cheep fish from super mario rises up and swallows frog)

Ansem:"damn, what a way to go..........ARGHGHHHH!!"

(ansem falls to one knee, spitting up blood)

Ansem:"fuck, thats never happened before,"

(ansem gets up unsheathing his katana)

Ansem:"Im done, no longer am i to fight, fuck this world, im going, to, find myself (or just kill alot of people to advance plot ect.)"

(ansem sticks katana into the rocky ground of the cliff, the sword bleeds dark blood, and glows sinisterly, the world grew silent, darkness consumed everything for a brief moment, and stopped)

Ansem:" done, no more"

(Ansem walks off into the dark forest once again, a soul searching trip has just begun, and its not because the writer is trying to rip on green lantern either)

{Ansem stops at a fork in the road, one path leads to a populated city, the other continues the path of darkness}

Ansem:"well, i suppose to advance the plot i gotta choose, how wonderful."

(ansem takes the path of darkness, the road that led deeper into the dark forest, the more dismal and desolate the place the better he was)

To be Continued..........

Craab Battle Saga 2

Episode 1

The T Tower

DBZ Narrator: "A city comes into view. In the ocean, not too far from the city, an island is seen, and a giant T Tower comes into view. Inside negotiations ensue over.................Real Estate."

Pity:"Alright, How’s 100 Million sound foo?"

(Pity is talking to the Teen Titans, Robin picks his nose, Pity raises an eyebrow, behind him is the KupoNut Crew)

Robin:"No Way!! (flicks Booger onto ground) We want more than that, we want..............YOUR CHEETOS!!!"

(Pity looks down at a bag of cheetos at his waist)

Pity:"Not getting my Cheetos Suckah, they belonged to the T.........."

Robin:"Oh yeah? No deal then, Titans go!!!"

(The outside of the tower is seen, gunshots and metal clanging is heard, a window opens...........)

Pity:"I PITY THE FOOL!!!!"

(The Teen Titans careen out of the Tower and into outerspace)

Robin:"Should’ve taken the monnnnnneyyyyyyyyyy!!!"

(Titans fly past Crematoria)

Tomes (bad guy from Chronicles of Riddick):"You're tellin' me........."

DBZ Narrator:"The KupoNut crew, a group of Organized Crime members, all with their own ways of dealing death."

(A Goth Girl is seen cleaning a katana, her hair is black with red streaks, her expression is cold, and emotionless)

DBZ Narrator:"This is Machina, An associate of a deadly crime organization, known as the Masamune Clan. She is a deadly assassin in her own right, hired by Ansem, the former owner of the Crime Organization. She joined in hopes of finding a cure for her dear friend Karigina. She fought against the FCC, but lost her friend Kari (Karigina), She is now employed by Pity, who leads the Masamune Clan now."

(Next to Machina is a girl wearing street clothes, cleaning a ninja knife, she is a nice looking, brown haired, Latina.)

DBZ Narrator:"SilverRose, An apprentice to Mach, she is training to do what Mach does best, kill. She came into Ansem’s organization with Mach, She also fought against the FCC, she now works with Pity."

(At a table in the center of the tower, sits a tall dark haired guy, injecting a syringe into his arm, pumping some chemical into his veins. His eyes roll into the back of his head)

DBZ Narrator:"The junkie is Chibi, he’s a loner of sorts. He came into the world of crime via his friend Polnoius. They were ordinary hitmen for hire, later on, they found it hard to make money, and had also tried to kill Ansem for some quick cash......... they failed (Duh). Ansem offered them jobs, they declined, but later on they came back to him for help, and enlisted as his personal hitmen. Chibi fought valiantly against the FCC, using Ansem’s black market drugs to enhance himself (jacking himself with Jenova, X virus, and Devil Gene......daily) He made himself a genetic, superhuman, freak."

(Across from Chibi sits another guy, he’s a short blonde headed fellow, he’s cleaning a Glock)

DBZ Narrator:" Polnoius is a lethal gunman, his pistol skills are advanced, he worked for Ansem along with Chibi as hitmen, he now works for Pity....."

(Sitting in a chair with his feet propped on the table lighting a smoke, is a black haired skinny guy, a gun not far away from his grip)

DBZ:"Oblivion is from origins unknown, he worked with Polnouis and Chibi in the past. He came to know Ansem through Polnous, and confronted Ansem for a job, he assisted the KupoNut Crew in the war against the FCC. He also works for Pity."

(A library in the tower, A short guy with glasses sorts books.)

DBZ Narrator:"PB, he’s a close friend of Mach. He has no criminal background, however he was diagnosed with a rare "Book Throwing Disorder" in which he is compelled with deadly accuracy, He is Pity’s Librarian."

(Two guys stand near a plasma screen, one has semi gray hair, unsheathing a katana, the other a bald guy, checking a clip in his gun)

DBZ Narrator:"The katana guy is Sephiroth14, nothing much on this guy, I blame the writer, he was a normal street thug taken in by Pity. He has a fondness for katanas and wishes to live up to the Swordsmanship Ansem had. The Baldy, (snickers, mumbling Krillin!) Is FFHomelands, a close friend of Sephs, a regular thug, Pity hired him, good with pistols and machine guns, trained by Pity himself."

(3 pixelated characters are sitting near the T.V, these guys are..................)

????:"(picks up Robins booger) Alright!! 1 EXP!!! now if everyone can pool their boogers together, I can get a higher exp boost!!!!111!!!"

DBZ Narrator:"Red Mage, joined because it’s an opportunity to gain lots of EXP, duh."

?????:"Aha,(snags a quarter off the ground)Score! Thief:1, Property soon to be took out from underneath the owners unsuspecting feet along with all assets, not to mention a nice T.V.: Zero."

DBZ Narrator:"Thief, because uh...................he.................wants money..........(dialogue stolen by Thief)....yeah..........."

????:"Say, this remote looks like a Sword, with the right calibrations, I could make a Remote Controlled SWORD!!! Complete with pause and replay sword effect, not to mention buttons............. I like buttons."

DBZ Narrator:"Fighter, because he has an obsession with swords, mistaking Pity’s mohawk for a blade......."

(A loud metal clanging noise is heard, Fighter looks at a knife stuck in his shoulder pad)

????:"Should’ve gone straight for the head, damitt to hell!"

DBZ Narrator:"Black Mage, whom admires Pity’s way of killing...."

(Another guy wearing a red shirt and brown hair whistles Aeris’s death scene music)

DBZ Narrator:"That's Aeris, he.....or is it she? Fought in the FCC War and now due to all the trauma from that war believes there is always a positive to everything."

(A moogle sits at a bar chugging shots of Jack Daniels)

DBZ Narrator:"That's Mog, he’s the Jack Bauer of the group (24 reference!!!)"

(Narrator is cut off by another voice..A figure in a closed windowed office is seen..........)

Narrator Pity:"Yeah, All this, mine, Power absolute, It’s all good, but it’s nothing compared to Mr.T! (dusts off various pictures of Mr.T).

Narrator Pity:"But it wasn’t alway like this. Damn crazy Suckah Ansem left, said something about finding himself (kill a lot of people) But hey, It's still cool, I run the biz now, nothing can go wrong now, not a damn thing, sure do miss that crazy suckah (raises a golden goblet of milk into the air)."

(Outside the office.........)

Machina:"Wonder why he left.................."

Rose:"Who knows, Pity doesn’t seem to know."

(Outside a fleet of rainbow colored helicopters hover nearby............)

Chibi:"Ah........(jacks himself with syringe) Ansem was a bad muthafuckah, I too wonder why he left us..............."

Polnoius:"I wonder too, I dunno, maybe all that fighting fucked him up. But there’s nothing left to do now besides a lil R&R right?"

(The windows shatter, chaingun bullets ring in the air)

Polnouis:"What the fuck?"
(Figures jump out of the helicopter, a rainbow beam of gayness strikes Polnouis, blowing a hole through his chest)


Polnoius:"Ah............(gun falls from hand).................damitt. (Dies)"

Oblivion:"(aims gun) Teletubbies? This........this...... is.... fucked.... up (fires rounds into teletubbies)"

(Teletubies fire beams from their stomachs)

????:"Tinky Winky!!"


(The crew unload with bullets, more teletubbies advance)

Chibi:"Aw fuck, man these things creep me out!!!"

(Another helicopter flies nearby, a smoke grenade rolls onto the floor, bad indie rock music hits the background)

Power Rangers:"IT"S MORPHIN TIME..............(Several gay poses) BITCHES!!!!"

Machina:"(Rushes through teletubby horde with katana) This is really messed up!"

Rose:"Yeah, (throws shurikens at advancing horde) Man they’re scary!!"

(Chibi decapitates a power ranger, throwing the head into a teletubby)

Chibi:"Who the fuck are these bastards?!!?"

Mog:"I’d ask the same thing, but less talk, more shootin! (Fires a Magnum at a Power Ranger whilst doing a bullet time dive)

PB:"Die Fuckers! (throws a copy of War and Peace at a teletubby)"

(The Power Ranger/Teletubby horde advance.)


(A wave of Teletubbies and P.R.’s are incinerated)

(Teletubbies advance on Red Mage. Trying to fire beams at him)

R.M:"Wait!!! Thats not in the D&D manual!! Geez, we gots to roll for stats first!! Then, we divide the points out in a grid matrix on who’s going to lvl up faster, not to mention get bonus stats!!"

(The teletubbies heads explode from R.M.’s gibberish.)

(Power Rangers advance on Fighter)

Fighter:"Behold, the SWORDCHUCKS!!!! (kills a lot of Power Rangers)"

B.M:"God, I hope you kill yourself..........."

(Thief pulls out a contract, the teletubbies freeze...............)

Thief:"This contract states, that any cutesy attacks are null, or any of your baby sunshine giggles, furthermore it states I make money off of every trademark pose you make, which means... I own you.... if you just delve deeper into the fine print which you need not to read.................."

(Teletubbies heads explode from info overload)

Theif:"Heh, no one ever reads the fine print."

(Pity watches from the office, Oblivion is unloading on the Teletubbies, a picture of Mr.T falls to the ground.)


(Pity jumps out window, rushing towards Oblivion, he’s nearly surrounded.)

Pity:"Outta my way suckah!!! (flings a power ranger into orbit)

(More Power Rangers surround Pity, Oblivion needs help!)

Pity:"FOOL!!! (gold light sends power rangers into orbit)

Homelands:"Damn!!! Too many!!!"

(Teletubbies advance enmass, one falls, another million appear, they soon surround Pity and quickly subdue him to the ground. Many mumblings of I pity tha fool this and I pity tha fool that, are heard from underneath the mountain of teletubbies.)

Seph14:"What the hell!?!? Man these guys are tough!!"

(Oblivion is out of ammo)

Oblivion:"Aw, fuck...."

Pity:"(Knocks teletubbies into the air.) FOOL!!!! (picks up Oblivion)"

(Pity throws Oblivion into a wall, Oblivion falls to floor dead)


(KN crew are shocked)

(Teletubies and power rangers continue to advance, shells piled on the floor, ammo was running low)

Homelands:"Fuck, this shit isn't happening, can't pistol whip em to death!!"

(A Teletubby sits in the center of the room, a turban on its head, a bomb strapped to its chest, and even a ZZ Top beard was upon its face.)

Teletubby:"LALALA FOR ALLAH!!!!!!!!!!!"

(Pity heads for the chopper)

Aeris:"Remember guys,(Bats off Power Ranger) Theres always a.....Posit................"

(Bomb explodes, Tower is up in flames exploding in unrealistic effects)

DBZ Narrator:"Whoa!! It looks like are heroes may be dead, or alive, hell I just want my old job back, Next Time we Advance more plot!!! On the next episode of Dragon Ball....oh wait... CRAB BATTLE SAGA Z!!!..........UHHHHH 2...... I want me job back.........argghh!!!"

To Be Continued....

Crab Battle Saga 2

Episode 2: The Man

(The sky is grey, raining eternally, the woods, dark and decaying. Lightning flashes, revealing a figure in the darkness, Ansem walks on alone, puffing a cigarette as he walks.)

Narrator Ansem:"Regret, can’t say it’s a part of my vocabulary, guess
it’s safe to say I live without em."

(Ansem continues to walk, exhaling smoke. Silver transparent figures
fade into existence in front of him, reminders of the past.)

Narrator Ansem:"A life full of sins, all which are unforgiven...Asking
for forgiveness is easy. "

(The Silver figures in front of him are Ansem and a man kneeling in
agony, held at gunpoint by Ansem, the kneeling man falls over dead, the
real Ansem smiles)

Narrator Ansem:"I’ve never tried."

(More figures appear as Ansem walks, this one, of Ansem and the Kuponut
Crew, Ansem hangs his head as if in shame, taking a drag)

Narrator Ansem:"My.....Friends, All of them loyal as the next, we fought together in that war, the war..........they all fought for freedom, but in the end, the past......."

(Ansem coughs heavily, coughing up blood, the figures fade into the
darkness. Ansem walks on.)

Narrator Ansem:"The past has a way of sneaking up on you. You'll hear broken echoes of it everywhere, like a bad replay. You'll get mad at everyone for reminding you about it, even if it's all in your head."

(Ansem stops again, a silver figure of the past appears again. A tall
trenchcoated figure puffing a cigarette. Ansem rubs his eyepatch)

Narrator Ansem:"The reason the way I am now, a bad plot twist involving soul merging, its all like a spiral of confusion, it twists in and out of control, only to leave you to vomit up your questions unanswered."

(The figure fades away, lightning flashes revealing Ansem’s sinister

Narrator Ansem:"I came a long way, killed a lot of people, cheated death, and saved the world, and now, I’m done, no more, no more badly written noir narratives, isolation is my only satisfaction."


DBZ Narrator: "3 figures careen through the sky, wondering what demise
awaits them!"

Aeris:"Wow, you think we’ll have an easy landing?, hope so."

BM:" You’re kidding right?"

Aeris:"What? I mean sure, we’re careening through the sky at fast rocket like speeds, more than likely to fall to the earth and become a grease spot on the ground, but look at the positive side of it!"

BM:"Wha? A positive?, we’re all about to die in a mere matter of minutes, and you can manage to find a positive side to this? Please, enlighten me on this upside to a free falling demise!"

Aeris:"It’ll be quick and painless, that’s a positive right?"

BM:"God, I hate you, what about you Fighter? Care to add any pearls of wisdom to our final moments?"

Fighter:"I like swords!!"

BM:"..........................I had to ask didn’t I?

Fighter:"Y’know this reminds of a story I read once!."

BM:"Say wha?"

Aeris:"You can read?"

Fighter:"Duh, I went to school moron!"

BM:"Well, I suppose I could bear to hear you one last time, I think........."

Fighter:"Us falling thr?ough the sky, all separated from our friends, All by a Sinister force! A GIANT SWORD!!!!"

BM:"........what book was that Fighter?"

Fighter:"Super Mario RPG!!!!"

BM:".......Hope you die first."

(The three collide into a dark decaying forest with a loud
thud......leaving a huge crater.........)

Ansem:"What the?(turning around flaring a dark aura) Who’s there?"

Aeris:"Ouch........damn! We’re alive! See!! I told you there was a positive!"

BM:"Yeah, using Fighter as a shield, I mean, not that I tried to kill him or anything, (cough, cough) I was able to lessen my impact, poor Fighter, the impact killed him. (Smiles)"

Fighter:"HEY GUYS WE SURVIVED!!!! (Bear hugs Black Mage) BLACK MAGE, WE

BM:"(gasping for air)’"

(Aeris looks around, Ansem is looking at the three, puffing a

Aeris:"ANSEM!!!, it’s really you!!!"

Ansem:"Aeris........., good to see you again."

BM:"Ansem? Damn, you haven’t changed a bit!"

Fighter:"Yay!! It’s Ansem!!!! He’s just as cool as swords are!!!"

(Loud metal clanging noise is heard, BM’s knife is stuck in Fighter’s

Fighter:"Say BM, did you know that your knife is was missing? Good thing my armor caught it!"

BM:"I really hate you, no really, I do."

Ansem:"So why are you here? (Takes a drag) People don’t just fall out of the sky without warning these days."

Aeris:"Hey, I’m the one with all the questions here! I mean why did you leave?"

Ansem:"Another story for another time, why are you here?"

(Aeris frowns, but quickly smiles again)

Aeris:"It’s a long story, somebody attacked the Kuponut Crew!"

Ansem:"(blows smoke from nostrils) Not suprising, who was it?"

Aeris:"It was a bunch of Teletubbies and Power Rangers, we think somebody sent them to take us out!"

Ansem:"...........................I see."

Aeris:"We lost Polnouis, and Oblivion too, Pity killed him, and a large explosion separated all of us, so we really don’t know who lived or died, I’m sure they are alright."

Ansem:" Hmmmm,.............(takes another drag) Pity? I knew the guy was a nut, but he wouldn’t kill off just anyone without reason, and Oblivion, this is all very strange, something much sinister is at work here, but I don’t really give a fuck."

Aeris:"Don’t give a fuck? Ansem they’re your friends!"

Ansem:"You act like I’m supposed to be happy, I’ve got nothing to be happy about, I refuse to help this world anymore, let it sort its own problems out. (Stomps out cigarette,) I’ve got my own matters to attend to. (Walks off)"

Aeris:"Ansem wait up!!!"


(In a dark city, A mysterious tower comes into view)

DBZ Narrator:"Inside this dark structure, an old friend pledges his loyalty to a powerful being, the one who controls all of society,
oppressing many, he is simply known as, Frieza!!!!!!11111111 Oh......sorry......old memories kicking in.....uhhhhh.......Simply known as... The Man........"

(The room is dark, the interior includes statues, a large desk and a chair facing the window. The room is engulfed in darkness by The Man’s shadow , a knock? at the door. A sinister british accent cuts through the air.)

The Man:"Enter."

(A figure enters the room, a pinstriped suited figure with a mohawk. Pity kneels before The Man.)

Pity:"I have heard your call Master, and I have come."

The Man:"Excellent, to whom do you serve?"

Pity:"Only you Master."

The Man:" That’s what I like to hear, Loyalty and Respect, you’ll go a long way with an attitude like that."

Pity:"I’ve learned from the best."

(The Man emits a dark sinister laugh, the very foundations of the building shook.)

The Man:"Tell me, how went the elimination of my enemies?"

Pity:"Went according to plan sir, the explosion should’ve killed all of them, unless of course the writers pull a Super Mario RPG on us."

The Man:"What was that?


The Man:"But I still have a thorn in my side, our prime target still lives."

Pity:"Who would that be Master?"

The Man:"Ansem."

Pity:"Ah yes, he left the organization some time ago, where he is now, I do not know."

The Man:"Of course you don’t, but I do, I will have him hunted down and killed."

Pity:" It’ll take more than raw firepower to kill him sir, he’s a force to be reckoned with."

The Man:"I see, he will have to be dealt with personally, CHARMLES!!!!!"

(The door bursted open, a small fat man stumbled into the room, sporting clothes that look like they came from a medieval arts and crafts festival)

Charmles:"It’s Charm-Le, thank you! Why is it so hard to get my name right? Its CHARM-LE!!"


(Charmels whimpers and kneels on one knee.)

Charmels:"I, I’m very sorry sir, my deepest regrets, I only live to serve, only you sir!"

The Man:"Silence! I have use of you peon."

Charmels:"I’ll do whatever you want sir, after all, I’m your right hand man."

The Man:"(scoffs) You are to carry out an assassination."

Charmels:"And who must I run the river red with blood, my lord?"

The Man:" The legendary sadist, Ansem."

Charmels:"It shall be done sir."


(Over the Eastern Jungle, figures careen through the sky, falling into the jungle at fast speeds)

(A loud crashing noise echoes through the area, the figures rise out of a heap of fallen trees)

Mach:"(adjusting katana) Ouch, what a fall........................"

Rose:"Yeah, I think my ass is broke....."

Chibi:"Oy, didn’t feel a thing."

Mach:"Guess I wouldn’t either if I were a mutant freak, eh? Wait, where’s PB?"

(The three look behind them, a badly burned corpse hangs in a grotesque ragdoll way, a pair of glasses lies next to the tree, broken..........)

Mach:"(Holding back tears.) PB............why?........................dammit!"

DBZ Narrator:"Plot device of course!"

Mach:"Shut up dude!"

Rose:"(Tears rolling down her cheeks) Poor PB!, god, this is so fucked up! Pity betrayed us!"

Chibi:"This doesn’t make sense, I mean, damn I don’t understand this at all!"

(The three look at PB’s body, a fallen comrade, and dearest friend, gone)

Mach:"Cmon, get the body, we can’t leave him behind....."

(Chibi hoists the body on to his back, Rose wipes her eyes, Machina looks at the stars.)

Mach:"Ansem, where are you when we need you the most?"


(The sound of the ocean, a sandy beach comes into view, the remnants of the KN Crew are beached, literally...........heads stuck in the sand)

Mog:"(Pulls head from sand.) Damn, what a fall......"

Homelands:"Ugh, sand in my guns, just bought these too."

Seph14:"At least we landed in a nice area."

(Thief Stands over Red Mage, RM still has his head stuck in the sand.)

Thief:"Now, explain to me why you have your head stuck in the sand?"

RM:"(Voice muffled by the sand.) If I keep my head down here long enough I’ll gain more stamina!, it’s a nifty, yet ingenious strategy!"

Thief:"If you say so.(Steals gold from RM.) Have a blast!."

(A large tide hits the beach, the crew turns to look, only to see, a single crab........)

Mog:"Huh, a crab........."

Seph14:"Reminds me of Ansem........."

(Tide rolls in again, more crabs appear.)

Homelands:"Must be mating season."

( The tide rolls in again, only this time, the crab looks odd, its sporting weird Soviet military uniform get-up.)

Mog:"A well dressed crab,a communist one a that, he must be a terrorist!!!! Wait....what's happening to me?........"

(The Soviet crab snaps it’s pincers, and starts to talk.)

Sebastian:"That’s not much coming from a rat! You are trespassing on my beach! Under the Sea!!"

(The crabs all sing in unison.)

Crabs:"Under the Sea!!!!"

Thief:"That’s strange, the Thief’s almanac didn’t say anything about Cold War Communist Disney Character Musicals this month..........."

(RM is pinched on the ass by a crab, jumping out of the sand.)

RM:"OUCH!!! That smarts, and I was so close to that +5 stamina increase!"

Sebastian:"Silence! I’m gonna to pinch you to death! You will feel the wrath of the crabs from...... UNDER THE SEA!!"

Crabs:"Under the Sea!"

Seph14:"(Unsheaths katana) Man that’s getting annoying, who the fuck sent you?"

Sebastian:"You don’t know? Why it was The Man that came to us!, gave orders to eliminate Ansem’s friends!"

Mog:"The Man?"

Sebastian:"Yes, he is a powerful man, he is, UNDER THE SEA!!!

Crabs:"UNDER THE SEA!!!"

Mog:"Okay seriously, stop, the music bullshit is getting on my nerves!"

Sebastian:"You’ll regret that remark, you’re no match for my army of crabs! CHARGE!!"

The Crabs advance.........)

Homelands:"(Fires rounds from pistol) Die fuckers!!"

Seph14:"(Slashing up crabs) Damn, these guys are tough!"

(Crabs surround Thief and RM)

Thief:"This won’t end well, then again, oh Red Mage!!"


Thief:"These crabs are chock full of EXP, kill them all, and you’ll level up twice I bet."

RM:"OMG!!!!!1111 (goes into a crab killing crazy)"

Thief:"Now to create a document that doubles my gold pay out and exp for each crab killed, suckers."

(Mog Fights off Sebastian with a rod, Seph14 and Homelands continue fighting waves of crabs.)

Sebastian:"You’ll never win little rat! UNDER THE SEA!!!"

Crabs:"UNDER THE SEA!!!"

Mog:"(whacks Sebastian on the head) GOD, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

(A celestial light shines upon the beach.)

God:"What'd I do bro?!!!?"

Mog:"Uhh.......sorry God.....I was talking to the crabs...."

(Homelands is being surrounded by crabs, he continues to drop shells on
his foes)

Homelands:"That’s right Fuckers, keep em comin, I’ll lay em all down,"

(Homeland’s gun jams, the crabs advance.)

Homelands:"Fuck! (Crabs start pinching, leaving huge cuts) ARGHGGH!!!"


(The crabs dismantle Homelands, his body is torn to shreds, blood flows in a huge puddle, the tide sweeps in and takes the body.)

Mog:"YOU BASTARDS!!! (knocks Sebastian out.)"

(The crabs stop in horror, the leader out cold, no one left to lead the sing along...........)

Crab #1:"Oy what do we do?"

Crab #2:"Uhhh, shit if I know, we’re hopeless without the power of Our lord’s song!!"

(Seph14 goes nuts, and pulls an omnislash attack, killing all the crabs.)

Seph14:"Fucking Bastards."

Mog:"(looks at Sebastian) We lost a comrade, but now, we can get the information we need."

(Sebastian wakes up, he’s tied to a chair, in a dark room lit by a bright lamp, he panics)

Sebastian:"What in the name of Neptune is going on?"

(Sebastian is hit with a baseball bat, looking up to see Seph14 gripping it tightly, next to him Mog puffs a cigar.)

Mog:"So, tell me more about this guy called The Man.....he's a terrorist isn't he?!?!? ."

Sebastian:"Never, Under the Se.........."

Thief:"Thats not necessary any more, this contract states that I own all rights to your annoying theme song, not to mention it allows me to sell bootleg versions of the lil Mermaid in Cambodia."


(Seph14 hits Sebastian again)

Mog:"Make it easier on yourself, talk."

Sebastian:"Screw you!!"

(Mog slams the cigar into Sebastian’s head)

Mog:"Listen to me you rag headed fuck, I’ll personally take that diaper off your head and go Gauntanamo Bay on your ass if you don’t talk!"

Seph14:"Uh Mog, this isn’t Baghdad........."

Mog:"Oh, yeah, forgot, sorry."

(Seph14 hits Sebastian again.)


Sebastian:"He’s the one supreme being that controls all, keeps the poor poor and the rich rich, keeps the black man down, and controls all the airwaves! He said he’d give us the entire sea if we served him! We couldn’t resist, an entire kingdom of crabs, safe from that lunatic Ansem, all of it.............just stop hitting me please!!!"

Mog:"Okay, fine. (Pulls out a magnum, and pulls trigger)"

(Sebastian dies)

Mog:"Who’s the rat now muthafuckah?"

Back To Ansem and co...........................

Aeris:"Cmon, help us out!!, Try to look at the positive side of

Ansem:"Not interested, besides the world is fucked as it is anyhow, look at the surroundings and you’ll see."

BM:"Yeah, its like a bad Post Apocolyptic Sci-Fi Flick."

DBZ Narrator:"Those movies are Awesome!!!1111"

Fighter:"I like swords!!"

Aeris:"Look at the Positive Side Ansem! At least people have hope right?"

Ansem:"Yeah, along with nothing to live for, nothing to gain from a blighted future."

Aeris:"But if you would just look at the Positive Side of things..........."

(Ansem flares a dark aura, eyes filled with rage)

Ansem:"Positive? Every waking moment I spend is living hell, every fiber of my body feels as if its rotting away, Voices inside my head constantly grating away at my mind, and you try to give me a positive? Until you see what I see, feel what I feel, don’t give me that positive bullshit, you have no idea what I go through!!!"

Aeris:".....................................yeesh, sorry."

BM:"Damn thats fucked up, more fucked up than using a kitten as an implement of death on an old lady!"

Fighter:"I LIKE SWORDS!!"


Ansem:"Look, I have to find myself, (kill a lot of people to advance plot.) I must go to a place of enlightenment, the Mountains of Truth, maybe then I can get some answers."

(Ansem walks off in the direction of the mountains)

Aeris:"Guess we’ll go with you, you can’t go without friends"

Ansem:"Whatever, tag along if you want, just stay out of my way."

DBZ Narrator:"And so Piccolo takes Gohan to train, for in one years time the two Sayiins will arrive!!!! Wait............uhhh....Cough gotta find my script Cough........And so our deranged hero and his friends make for the mountains, in search of answers, what will they find, who knows?"


(The city, dark, damp, and cold, the rain pours down eternally upon its surface,. a car drives down the streets downtown, two Pipe Hittin Niggas head to a destination, Vincent Vega, and Jules Winfield.)

Jules:"Damn, why is it that it always rains? I mean shit, its like a badly written noir story, I had plans this weekend."

Vince:"I guess it’s a plot hole, like comic books, they’re full of bad plot."


Vince:"Take Superman, he can fly, use super strength, and shoot lasers out of his eyes, but in every other comic he gets some new bullshit power, doesn’t bother to explain how in lament terms, gives you some bullshit about "Training in the Sun for a 1000 years", just one bullshit cover up after another, fucking stupid, stick to the original story instead of giving him new powers so he can be better, shit."

Jules:"Damn fanboys ruin it for you Vince?"

Vince:"Damn right they did, assholes."

(The car stops in front of a office building)

Jules:"This is the place."

(The two walk in, lavish carpets and expensive paintings are seen, the two knock on the main office doors.)

?????:"Yeah? Who is it?"

(Jules opens the door, inside a group of Thugs beat a blonde headed guy with glasses, a large desk is near a window, behind it is a suited muscled black guy.)

Jules:"Don Mega! Long time no see."

Don Mega:"Lookin sharp Jules, haven’t changed a bit."

(The Thugs Continue to beat on the man)

Thug1:"You feeling better now Dick?"

(The blonde headed guy is Andy Dick, he screams in pain)

Thug2:"Speak up bitch? Cocaine addict muthafuckah!, double deal the Don eh?"

(Don Mega ignores the beating, and continues talking)

Don Mega:"There’s a reason I called you here Jules, I got a job for you and your boy Vince here."

(The thugs continue to beat up on Dick)

Andy:"Please fellahs stop! Cmon, I was going to pay you back honest! OUCH!!"

(Andy had his teeth kicked in by a thug)

Jules:"So what can I do for you Don Mega?"

Don Mega:"I’m missing some tapes of mine, A collection of Pauly Shore and Carrot Top, I need you to retrieve them."

Vince:"Sounds easy enough, but it’s an awful lot to hire hitmen to get some tapes back."

Don Mega:"Look, I had to hit up a lot of back alley rental stores and yard sales to find those tapes, and trust me, its hard to make me laugh, and those tapes are it."

(Andy crawled to Don Mega’s Feet, grabbing his pants)

Andy:"Please, I promise I’ll pay, I mean cmon, cant you give me a second chance?"

(Don Mega’s face grew to intense disgust, he unbuttoned his suit jacket, loading a chrome plated pistol)

Don Mega:" Hmmm, second chance? Lemme think about it. (pulls trigger)"

(Andy is riddled with bullet holes, the shells hit the floor loudly)

Don Mega:"Second Chance my ass."

Jules:"So tell me, who’s the thief?"

(The Don’s thugs carry Dick’s body outside, Don Mega turns his back to the window, Lightning flashes.)

Don Mega:"William Shatner."

To Be Continued...................

Crab Battle Saga 2 Episode 3:“Rise Chicken, Arise!!!”

DBZ Narrator:” Deep in the Namekian forest, oops, I mean the Eastern Jungle, Machina and friends carry a fallen comrade through the wilderness.”

Machina:”Gotta keep moving........”

(Chibi hauls PB’s dead corpse, stopping to catch his breath)

Chibi:”Exactly where are we going? I mean, all I see is fucking vines and trees, I think we’re lost.”

Rose:”Hey!, Machina wouldn’t keep us moving for nothing! Right Mach?”

(Mach stops and looks at her friends)

Machina:”Okay, so maybe I don’t know where we are, but we can’t afford sit around waiting for the enemy to attack, whoever did this, is gonna pay, (chokes back tears looking at PB’s dead body)”

(The three continue walking, coming up to a large hilltop overlooking the Jungle)

Chibi:”Aw fuck, we’re so fuckin lost, look at all this shit!!”


(Smoke rises in a clearing in the overview of the jungle, a small shack is seen)

Rose:”Hey! Look at that! Maybe whoever lives in that hut can help us!”

Machina:”......................Perhaps........lets go then.....”

(The three walk off towards the hut)


DBZ Narrator:”Our would be heros make their way towards the Mountains of Truth, to seek the training of Master Roshi........wrong script........I mean to um, advance plot, yeah.........”

BM:”So, We’re off to some distant mountain top, to help a deranged psychopath with occult powers, while traveling with a babbling fool that talks about positives, and the one person I hate the most, how could this get anymore ridiculous?”

DBZ Narrator:”Well, they could have constipated looks on their faces while screaming at each other!!”

BM:”Didn’t fucking ask you!!!”

(BM slowly turns his head looking at Fighter)

Fighter:”I like swords, especially the long ones, or no wait the ones with runes, no wait............................”

(Fighter continues to talk, BM Lunges at him with his knife, missing Fighter by mere inches.)

BM:”Oy, why do I even bother?”

(Ansem walks on alone, Aeris tags along close behind.)

Aeris:”Ansem, why can’t you stop being so dark, and look at the bright side of things?”

(Ansem lights a Cigarette)

Aeris:”Those things will kill ya you know.”

(Ansem spins his head around Exorcist Style, Aeris jumps back in horror.)

Ansem:”(smoke flows through nostrils) Better late than never.”

Aeris:”That’s what I’m talking about, your always dark and scary, never smiling, why can’t you be happy, and think positive?”

(Ansem stops walking, his right hand flares a dark flame)

Ansem:”I think made my point once, no need to go further right?”

Aeris:”Just a suggestion to keep in mind.”

Ansem:”Well, I’d appreciate it if you kept those “Suggestions” to yourself, they’re starting to piss me the fuck off.”

(A nearby bush moves nearby)

Ansem:”...................what the fuck...........”

Aeris:”Geez Ansem, a little too paranoid for your own good?”

Ansem:”Maybe, (right hand engulfed in raging dark flames) I think we’re being followed.”

BM:”No kidding, since when do bushes have huge green growths and donkey tails coming out of them?”

Fighter:”In Cartoons you silly!!!”

BM:”......................................gonna kill you.......................”

(Ansem and co. turn towards the bush, watching it move)

????:”Quiet! Stop moving you blasted beast of burden!! Your gonna blow our cover!!”

Fighter:”OMG A TALKING BUSH!!!!”


Aeris:”Hey, we can see you, rather easily I might add.”

(The bush continues to talk....)

????:”Hey this is a nice bush, its all bushy and stuff, it reminds me of a song............”

(Ansem fires a dark flame at the bush, causing its inhabitants to run out)

Fighter:”OMFG!!!! ITS SHREK!!!11111111 And Donkey!!!1111 OMG1111!!!!!!!1111"

BM:”You gotta be kidding me...”

Aeris:”Wha? This is totally bizarre, who comes up with this stuff?”

DBZ Narrator:”Blame the Writer!!”

(Donkey and Shrek pat the flames off of them, looking around only to stop and look at Ansem)

Donkey:”OOOOOO!!! it’s him ain’t it? Oh I knew it was him, kinda creepy lookin, he looks tough, think we could take em Shrek, huh? I think we can, I know we can!!”

Shrek:”Calm down Donkey, (looks at Ansem) You, your Ansem, you fit the description alright, right down to every last detail.”

Ansem:”Flattery will get you killed pal.”

Shrek:”Well isn’t that cute lad, I enjoy witty remarks as much as I enjoy listening to donkey talk, which isn’t often!”

Aeris:”Damn, that was a terrible joke, hell, not even I would use that!”

Donkey:”Hey I’m not annoying, I’m just here for comedy, I can be crazy funny, you’ll see, I just love to talk, its my gimmick, being an annoying sidekick! Yup, that’s me!!”

Ansem:”Get to the point, so I can kill you.”

(Shrek and Donkey Let out a lame evil laugh)

Shrek:”Don’t think thats going to happen laddie, we were hired to kill you, and do that we shall! ATTACK!!!!!”

(Fighter runs up to Shrek)

Fighter:”I must have your AUTOGRAPH!!!1111"

BM:”(Smiling) Ah, I love one sided battles.”

(Shrek bats fighter away)


(Donkey lets loose a bright pink beam, which hits ansem’s finger, blasting it off.)

Aeris:”Oh fuck.....................”

BM:”this is gonna be good.”

Ansem:”You just bought your muthafuckin death wish!!!”

(Ansem sends a wave of dark energy into the would-be assassins, sending Shrek flying backwards, Donkey runs towards BM and Fighter)

Fighter:”OMG DONKEY!!!!!!1111!!!”

Donkey:”(looking at BM) Say, you look funny, wearin a straw hat and funny robes, like a scarecrow!! With those funny lookin eyes, like some pixels!! Oh I loves pixels! You like pixels? I remember reading an article on I..........

(Donkey continues talking, BM’s body starts to shake wildly)

BM:”Your......more.....annoying....By Lucifer’s Beard! More painstakenly Annoying..than.......fighter............URGH!!!”

(Black Sabbath’s Iron Man hits the background, BM charges a giant Haddoken)

Donkey:”ooooo!!! thats bright!!!”


(The beam vaporizes Donkey..)

Aeris:”Holy Shit.........”

BM:”Ahhhhhh, much better”

(Ansem fires a dark flame into shrek’s face, melting all the skin off, but leaving him alive.)

Shrek:”oh the pain, the pain, it’s so unbearable!!!”

(Ansem lifts Shrek with his powers, holding him in midair, burning his black magic into Shrek’s flesh)

Ansem:”Try not to scream too loud(looking at missing finger), I need you for at least 3 more minutes, now (burning pentagrams into Shrek’s flesh) Who sent you?”

(Shrek howls in pain)

Shrek:”It was The Man!!!!”

Ansem:”The Man?”

Shrek:”Yes!! The one who holds down the weak , he holds power, unimaginable power, he promised us a big payoff for your demise, oh he’s so much more than you think, he is GOD!!!”

Aeris:”That must be who separated us from the Kuponut Crew!”


Fighter:”I like swords!!!”

Shrek:”Thats.........All I know, GOD IT BURNS!!!”

(Ansem lets out a menacing cackle)

Ansem:”Good, You can die now.”

(Ansem shoots a giant black beam out of his hand, vaporizing Shrek slowly, Shrek screams in unearthly agony until he is reduced to nothing)

Ansem:”This guy, The Man, is after me, and you guys. Why? I don’t know, but perhaps we can figure it out, when we get there (looking off into the mountains in the horizion)”

Aeris:”Yeah, lets hope so.”

(The crew walks onward, As they walk, a tall, dark shadow lurks behind a tree, he looks at the aftermath of Ansem’s power, and dissapears into the darkness.) The Confines of The Man’s Stronghold........

(The Shadowy Figure makes its way down the long corridor, opening the large doors in front of him)

(The chair still faces the window, darkness hovers around the area)

The Man:”You really should learn to knock..........(building shakes a bit)”

(The Shadowy Figure Kneels on one knee)

?????:”I apologize, but I have bad news boss.”

(A fist slams on the desk)

The Man:”I see, as much as I hate bad news.......go on.”

(The Figure stands in what little light there is, He’s tall and muscular, it’s Randy Orton...................The Legend Killer)

Orton:”Shrek and Donkey have failed, badly at that, Ansem Obliterated them.”

The Man:”I see, well I’m not entirely suprised, but upset to say the least.”

Orton:”Ahem, well, I could, you know........”

The Man:”Kill Ansem?”

Orton:”Yeah!! After all (serious) I am the “ legend killer”!!!”

Random Orton Fanboy:” TeH Buttsex!!!!11111!!!”

The Man”:...............................................”

Orton:”Just the internet Fanboys sir.”

The Man:”.............right, Well I’ll make a proposition for you Orton, you kill Ansem for me, and I’ll give you the pay I promised you, and Shrek and Donkey’s as well.”

Orton:”It’s a done deal sir! (Extends a hand for a handshake.)

Orton Fanboy:”TeH Buttsex!!!!!!1111!!!”

(Akward Silence fills the noises and a hoot owl sound off.................The Man clears his throat)

The Man:”You can leave now.............”

Orton:”Oh, erm sorry.........”

(Orton walks out shutting the door)

The Man:”I will kill you Ansem, you will not defy me any longer.”


(The Ocean comes into view, Mog and Crew stand on the beach, near a makeshift cross, in honor of their fallen friend.)

Mog:”So now what do we do? (Lights a Cigar)”

Seph:”..........not sure, we need to find the rest of the crew, any ideas thief?”

Thief:”Well, we could drift endlessly out to sea by boat, or walk, either way, I’ve no schemes, I mean, ideas.”

RM:”We could roll dice to see who gets a +5 magic increase!!!”

Thief:”and, how might that aide our plight?”

RM:”Well if I gain enough of the stat increase, I can learn a flight spell, which will enable us to fly, for 30 seconds, so if I multiply the time need to cast the spell continuously so that we won’t fall to our demise, we would be able to fly to our destination!!!”


(A herd of yellow birdlike creatures zooms by at lightning speeds into the forest nearby)

Mog:”Egads!!! it’s a terrorist bombing raid!!! GET DOWN!!! (jumps on the ground)”

Thief:”Huh, the thief’s almanac didn’t say anything about terrorist chocobos this month, wait that gives me a idea, we can......”

Seph:”Get a chocobo and travel!!”

Thief:”Yeah, definitely wasn’t considering breeding chocobos for illegal chocobo fights, .......................hmmmm, quite the idea though (scribbles on a notepad.) Now, all we need to do is cross-coordinate our efforts to aquire those wild chocobos, and sell them on the black market to a gang of mafia orcs, I mean.......ride them, yeah.”

(Red Mage walks up dressed like a girl, everyone stares.)


Thief:”I said cross-coordinate not cross-dress!”

RM:”Hey I am not a crossdresser!! I just have emotional problems!!”


Seph:”What he said..........”

RM:”I’ve been trying to find someone who can perform a sex change operation too.”

Thief:”...Akward...................emotional problems, and gender issues.”

RM:”Oh daddy, why didn’t you care for me? WHY!!!!!”

Thief:” you’re a wreck!!”

RM:”AM NOT!!! Do the highlights in my hair bring out my eyes?”

Thief:”Yeah............sure.............okay then, lets go steal, I mean hunt some chocobos!!”


(A car rolls through the dark underbelly of the city, The air is cold and damp, followed by a never ending rain, Jules and Vince prepare to retrieve Don Mega’s Tapes)

Vince:”I mean it’s bad enough that these comic book fanboys have to go on about how Superman is so great, they also gotta bitch about Spiderman revealing his identity!! I mean, don’t take it out on the people that are causal readers, blame the writers!!”

Jules:”Take it easy man, that’s how it is with these punk muthafuckahs, like you said it’s like bad plot, like all this rain, I mean, shit you’d think we’d have to paddle our way through the streets eh?”

(Vince and Jules laugh, the car stops in front of a low rent apartment complex, they both get out opening the trunk, loading pistols)

Jules:”We should have shotguns for this.”

Vince:”So how many you think we got up there?”

Jules:”Dunno, gonna say at least four, maybe more, (checking clip).”

Vince:” We should have fucking shotguns. (Closes trunk)”

(The two make their way through the apartment complex)

Vince:”So you don’t read comics Jules?”

Jules:”Used to, just got old, too much of the same thing being used over and over again.”

Vince:”I see, so what do you think about these fanboys I’ve been talking about?”

Jules:”Not much, shit, just a bunch of overweight, 30 year olds living with their p?arents, that have nothing better to do than complain on the internet, and jerk-off to soft core porn.”

Vince:”So what if one tried to attack you? Y’know, for trying to diss a comic?”

Jules:”Muthafuckah better gain some super strength and knock me the fuck out, because I’d kill the muthafuckah real quick like, shit.”

(The two stop in front of a door.)

Jules:”This is it, you ready?”

Vince:”Yeah, same routine?”

Jules:”Damn Straight.”

(Jules kicks the door in, a startled man sits in the dim lit room, dressed in star trek clothes, another man on the sofa with pointy ears freezes in horror as Jules and Vince enter the room.)

Jules:”Hiya boys, how are we doing?”

(The two are silent, Vince rolls a smoke and puffs away.)

(The man in the chair begins to talk, posing in different positions as he talked)

????:”Who (pose) are (pose) You? (pose) Spock! (Pose) You (pose) Know (pose) This (pose) Man (pose) ?”

(The man on the sofa shakes his head no.)

Jules:”Huh, well, you must be William Shatner right?”

(The man in the chair poses, with a face of suprise.)

Shatner:”You (pose) Know (pose) my (pose) name? (Pose)”

Jules:”That I do, you remember your friend Don Mega right?”

(The man on the sofa whimpers, Shatner’s face turns a nasty shade of purple)

Shatner:” Yes, (pose) I (pose) Do (pose)”

Jules:” That’s good, (unbuttons suit jacket, flashing pistol) Now, lets get down to business, (looks at Spock) Tell us where the tapes are, and we’ll be on our way.”


Shatner:”We (pose) don’t (pose) have (pose) them!”

(Jules turns the gun on Spock, putting a hole in his head)

Jules:”I’m sorry, did I break your concentration? Please, continue.”


(Vince puffs more smoke)

Jules:”Oh, you were finished? Well allow me to retort! What does Don Mega look like?”

Shatner:”What? (Poses)”

(Jules knocks Shatner out of the chair)

Jules:”What country you from?”

Shatner:”What? (Poses)”


Shatner:”(cowering) Yes! (Poses)”

(Jules points his gun at Shatner)

Jules:”Really? So you know what I’m sayin right?”

Shatner:”Yes! (Poses)”

Jules:”Describe what he looks like then!”

Shatner:”What? (Poses)”

(Jules presses gun to Shatner’s head)


Shatner:”He’s (poses) Black! (Poses)”

Jules:”Go on!”

Shatner:”He’s (pose) Big!”

Jules:”Does he look like a bitch?”

Shatner:”What? (Poses)”

(Jules fires a round into Shatner’s left arm, Shatner howls in pain while posing)


Shatner:”Nooooo!! (poses wildly)”

Jules:”Well you sure did fuck em like one, yeah, you did, which leads to the million dollar question, where are the tapes?”

Shatner:”I loaned (poses)them (poses) to Someone (poses)!!”


Shatner:”The Man!!!”

(Jules grew silent, Vince put out his Cigarette, withdrawing his pistol)

Jules:”You here that Vince?”

Vince:”Yeah, I heard of The Man, guy runs the entire city, hell the entire world almost!”

Jules:”And this dumb muthafuckah, lent the tapes to him.”

Shatner:”I’m (poses) Sorry? (Poses)”

Jules:”What’s with the poses?”

Shatner:”What? I (poses) Do (poses) This (Poses) All (poses) the (poses) Time!”

(Jules looks at Vince, Vince Looks at Jules, both unload on Shatner, riddling the poor fuck with holes, Shatner falls to the floor in a bloody heap)

Vince:”Shit was getting annoying.”

Jules:”Yeah it was, But we got a bigger problem, This guy, The Man has Don Mega’s tapes, and I’ve heard some shit man, this guy isn’t to be fucked with.”

Vince:”So what do we do?”

Jules:”Don’t know, lets get the fuck outta here before we get locked up.”

(Jules and Vince leave the room.)


(Mach and co. Approach the shack. Its old and smelly, the outside is littered with chicken bones)

Mach:”Looks like hell here.”

Rose:”Yeah, lets hope the natives are friendly.”

Chibi:”Yeah, we need figure out what to do with the body.”

(Mach knocks on the door, Noises can be heard inside the house, chicken clucking and loud clanging. The door opens, a tall native fellow wearing Voodoo Priest getup and holding a staff with a chickens head on it comes into view.)

?????:”Oh ho! Visitors, lost perhaps?”

Mach:”Um, yeah, we need a place to rest, our friend (points to PB’s corpse) Is dead, and we gotta figure out what to do with him.”

?????:”I can help ho ho!! I am, I do all sorts of Magick....”

Chibi:”So you can bring him back?””Yes, I can bring back your dead chicken, urm, friend, chicken, yes?”

(The group enter the house, lying PB on the ground)

Mach:”So, you can raise the dead?”” can bring back dead chicken friend.”

Rose:”Um, yeah, can we keep it where you bring him back to life? Not as a chicken?””Maybe summon Mega Ultra Chicken? Oh no, he is, Legend!!”

Chibi:”Look, just bring the guy back, no chickens, just bring him back to life!””Oh, okay, must perform sacred chicken summoning ritual.”

( bumps his staff against the floor 3 times)”Rise Chicken! Arise!!”

(An awkward silence fills the room)

Mach:”What the hell? That did nothing!””Arise Chicken!!, Arise!!!”

(The room suddenly grew dark, an intense light surrounded PB’s body, an explosion of light followed, blinding everyone)

PB:”What the bloody hell?”

Rose:”Oh my god! PB’s back!”

Chibi:”Wha? I don’t see em!”

PB:”Whadda ya mean? What the fuck!!! My body!!”

Mach:”Holy Shit! He’s a.........Book?”

(The spot where PB’s corpse once laid contains a black book, with runes carved into it, with tiny flaring slits for eyes and a mouth)”Hmmmm, no chicken, must have done ritual wrong.”

PB:”I’ll say, you fuckin quack!!!”

Mach:”At least your back, but, as a book................”

Rose:”Yeah, this doctor is nuts!!”

Chibi:”Your tellin me, The hell you turn him into a book for?”” sorry, will change you into chicken for fee.”

PB:”Machina, Throw me.”


PB:”just do it!”

(Mach throws the book into, he explodes into unrealistic, photo generated flames, Aqua Teen Hunger Force style)

PB:”Serves you right ya fuckin hack!”

(The group exits the house, looking off into the horizion)

Mach:”Well its good to have you back PB.”

PB:”Oh that’s great, I’m great as a book! I don’t need a FUCKING BODY WHICH I WISH I HAD!!!”

Rose:”Huh, maybe he would be better off being a chicken.”

To be continued..........................................

Crab Battle Saga 2 Episode 4: The Mountains of Truth

"Mog and crew lay sleeping under the star filled sky, near the beautiful Namekian Ocean...err well you get the idea!" Said the DBZ Narrator.

"Each having their own dream, Red Mage of his sex change and stat increases, Thief of making deals with the Orcish Mafia, Seph of the fact that he may be the next minor character killed from the series, and Mog....Mog's dream was was a flashback, a memory he shouldn't have but did anyway."

Mog stared up at a white ceiling, his arms, legs, and even his neck were all strapped down tight. Several figures surrounded him, and stared down at him like he were an alien or something. One of them had to stand on a mountain of phone books to see what was going on. Another was a tall blonde girl with pigtails and a stupid grin. She kept trying to touch Mog's nose.

SLAP! Phone book boy had smacked her hand away as she had tried to caress Mog's nose.

"Stop it Deedee! Can't you see we're trying to work on this specimen!" He shouted.

"But he's so cute! I want to touch his looks so warm and fuzzy!" She said. "As well as other parts of his body...." She added with a giggle.

"Don't touch his nose, or his...his..." Phone book boy stammered.

"But Dexter!!!" Deedee begged.

"Why don't you go play with experiment 333972?!" Shouted Dexter.

"You mean Murdock?!" She asked in an angry tone.

"Yes! I mean no! His name is 333972!" Replied Dexter.

"But he's crazy! He always babbles about being a soldier, and having adventures in some lame ass 1982 Custom GMC van!" She shouted.

"GO AWAY BITCH!!!!" Shouted Dexter, and Deedee did just that.

Mog's gaze shifted slightly to one of the others... A tall black man wearing a tight leather trench coat, a red tie, and small ruby lensed spectacle sunglasses.

"Cow...Cowboy Cu....Cur...Curtis?" Mog asked gently.

"I'm not Cowboy Curtis!!!!" Came the man's reply, and it came with a hard slap to the mouth.

"Leave him alone 'Morpheus'." Said a fat man with a gruff voice.

"Hmmph......... Shaddup 'Eggman'....." Came a low reply that Eggman either didn't hear or he ignored.

"We're on a very tight schedule boys!" Said Dexter. "Ocelot wants this tellytubby reject bastard injected with the Bauer Gene by tonight! Need I remind you of what happened to Jimmy Neutron for not working quickly enough?!"

Mog woke up in a cold sweat, he looked up at the stars, and knew in his soul that the Soviet satellites were watching his every move.......................What the fuck had happened to him, and when? Why was he acting like this? But he knew those answers would have to wait.... at least until they figured out where Osama was hiding............err.... Who the hell was after them and why....

To Ansem.....

"Well here we are." Said Ansem as he threw the slightest look over his shoulder at his companions. Looks like they were none a bit too thrilled at what lay before them.... The Mountains of Truth, where all the answers to the Cosmos lay.
The mountains stretched high above them and into the clouds. Ansem knew that at the top of the tallest of the three mountains awaited the answers he sought, and he also knew that it would take about three days to get there.
Then he thought of Fighter babbling about swords, BM firing random Hadokens and the occasional mortar shell, all the while Aeris babbled about positives... "Hmmph, maybe it'll take four", he thought to himself with a small grin that turned sadistic,"or maybe I'll save myself the trouble and kill them all now."

To PB and crew......

"So uh.... What's it like...PB?" Asked Mach as they headed NorthWest through the jungle towards a small village. PB had known where to go, evidently being turned into a book increased his IQ and knowledge tremedously, including where to go in a generic ass jungle such as this.

"What do you mean 'What's it like?'?" PB asked.

"You know....being" Said Mach slowly.


"I know what it's like to lose a friend, and know that you'll never see them again." Mach said remembering Kari and the other friends that she had lost just recently."I also know what it's like to be betrayed." She said remembering Pity.

"I know what it's like to have your ass broken!!!" Chimed Rose.

They both glared at her.

"Sorry!" She said quickly.

"I know what it's like to see Goku and Chi Chi screw upside down on the ceiling covered in chocolate pudding and vodka..... and it ain't pretty......." Said the DBZ Narrator.

To Sin City...

"So... we have to find this guy called The Man?" Said Don Mega as he layed back in his chair staring at Jules and Vince from behind his desk.

"You know who he is right?" Said Jules.

"Yeah. He's the bastard that ordered the killing of Martin Luther King Jr. and JFK." Said Don Mega as he picked up his phone.

"Vince, why don't you go get me a coke or somethin." Said Jules in a tone that made Vince leave in a hurry. Jules looked back at Don Mega."This is the same cat that puts the black man down, keeps the poor poor, and the rich rich. He controls every government on the whole damn planet. He also secretly controls the actions of every soldier on the battlefield. If they were given an order it was because he wanted them to be gave that order. He uses war to amuse himself, but instead of GI Joes, he's using real people as his toys. This guy has your DVDs man, and since we don't know who he is, or where the fuck he is, I think you can say you won't be getting them back."

"Hmmph." Smirked Don Mega as he held the phone in his hand. "I can sure as fuck find out! I'll call my boy Ansem, from Hollow Bastion. That crazy darkness obssessed muthafucka should be able to help!" And then he began to dial a number into the phone.

To Ansem..

"I like swords." Said Fighter as he and the others scaled the smallest of the three mountains, which meant they could rest at it's peak and then start climbing the big boy the following day.

"Yes we know." Said BM as he pondered how he could reach Fighter to stab him. He then began to immerse himself in a difficult algerbraic equation that would answer just that.

"I like swords.....I really like swords....I really really like swords..." Said Fighter cheerfully.

"Carry the three and...AW FUCK IT!" Said BM as he jumped upward with his knife outstretched only to miss Fighter's leg by an inch. He then caught himself on a rock, muttered a cuss word or two, and then continued climbing.

"I like swords." Said Fighter again.

"Tell us something we don't know." Said BM seathing.

"I like swords......and mountains!!!" Exclaimed Fighter.

"" Said BM.

"You silly kidder you!" Said Fighter.

It had gone just about as well as he had originally thought.......slow and irritating as all hell. But at least Aeris had the decency to have his fucking mouth shut for once. That, in Ansem's mind, was a fucking positive.

Just as if that were a cue...

"You know guys.... there's a few positive sides to mountain climbing..... like excercise, thrill, adventure, quality time with your friends....." Began Aeris.

Ansem knew that Aeris would go on and on for about an hour, and that Fighter was like the fucking Energizer Bunny. All the arguing and positive talk began to make his body numb with anger.....

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!" He shouted, but that proved to be one dumbass mistake, as an avalanche of snow and rock began to fall from overhead.

"I like swords, mountains, and snow!!!!!!" Fighter shouted as he saw the white powder falling towards them, causing a second avalanche to follow the first.

"I hope you die slowly." Said BM.

"Silly Guy," laughed Fighter,"you can't get hurt by snow!"

"There's always a posit-" Started Aeris but Ansem pushed him off the side of the mountain before he could finish his sentence.

"Oops." Said Ansem in an unconvincing tone. "What's the positive to that bitch?"

Then they were engulfed by the snow and rocks and crashed to the ground far below.

To Be Continued...

Crab Battle Saga 2: Episode 5: ATTACK OF THE SUBPLOTS!!!!

DBZ Narrator:”Deep in the Forest, Mog and Co. Hunt for the Dragonballs to revive Goku!!, I mean Chocobos, yeah, no idea where that came from.”

(Mog hides in the bushes, face covered with camoflage, watching a chocobo peck at the ground, Thief, Seph, and RM look on intently)

Mog:”Yeah, thats right, stay where ya are, ragheaded fuck.”

Seph:”Geez man, what is with you? This isn’t Baghdad!!”

Thief:”I’m thinking we can get a large sum of money for chocobo pelts, hmmmmm.”

RM:”I thought we were using them for transports!, We should focus on increasing stats for flight, or even better, 2x damage!!!! (Drools)”

Thief:”Exactly why I do all the scamming, I mean planning.......yeah.”

(The chocobo turns it’s head to the talking bush)


Mog:”Wha? Nobody calls my mother that you Camel humping desert monkey!!!! ATTACK!!!!!”

(Mog jumps out of the bushes trying to grapple the chocobo, the chocobo moves, Mog hits the forest floor with a loud thud)

Thief:”Get it!!!”

RM:”Wait! We need to devise a stat grid for Agility!! Quick roll a 10!!!”

(The chocobo lets out an errie wark...........)

Seph:”What the hell?”

Mog:”Shhhh!!!, that sound, could it possibly be a..........a...........a”

(The ground beneath shakes wildly)


Mog:”Taliban even worse, MUSLIM SUICIDE BOMBERS!!!, RUN FOR IT!!!!”

(The group didn’t have a chance, a wave of chocobo’s trampled them into the ground.)


Thief:”I’ll say, you almost lost 5.00 bucks.......(slides a wallet into his pocket)”

RM:”Ouch, my HP!!! Oh well, at least my endurance went up by 10, along for my tolerance for extreme spinal injury, argghh!!!”

Mog:”(still facedown in the ground arms raised)You won’t win this time Osama!!! We’ll raid every 7 Eleven on the block to find you!!!! We’ll take your beloved slushie machines away if we have to!!, wait......what’s happening to me?”

Seph:”...........he’s losing it......hey my wallets gone!!....”

Thief:”you don’t say........(looks off into the distance) Look we can follow the tracks and capture.....I mean ride the chocobo’s.....................”

RM:”If we hurry up we can roll for double agility increases!!!!”

Thief:”You’re a hopeless case man, oh well, onward!!”

(15 minutes later.............................)

(The group finds themselves trampled into the ground again.............)

Thief:”Will someone explain to me why this happened again?”


Seph:”Our cover was blown, that’s for sure, ouch...........”

RM:”Ouch, need a saving roll, (tries to roll dice) ouch, can’t..........move.........”

Thief:”Lets try something different............Red Mage, I require your assistance...........”

(5 minutes later..................)

Thief:”Okay, wait for it....................”

(The Chocobo herd trots down the path.................)

Mog:”Okay You smelly Robe wearin bastards, you’re mine this time!!!!”

(The Chocobo’s charge towards mog...................)

Thief:”Red Mage, now!!!

RM:”Alright, hope this adds +50 to my Intelligence, (casts a spell)”

(A dome of fire covers the Chocobos, trapping them)

Seph:”Huh, it worked, no screw ups this time......”

Mog:”Finally! at last we can commence questioning of the whereabouts of the Weapons of Mass Destruction, I’ll get the battery acid and the shackles!”

Thief:”..............right, okay Red Mage, how do we come about capturing these beasts?”

RM:”Well, thats the problem.................”

(The Chocobo’s inside the dome begin to smoke)

Thief:”Lemme guess, the spell isn’t protective, it’s harmful isn’t it?”

RM:”Well, it’s not my fault someone didn’t say non-lethal, I mean it’s not like I meant to use a spell that would cause the target to perish, I will also say I didn’t cast it because it would mean an increase of my Stats!”

(The Chocobos Combust into flames)

Thief:”Sigh.....well, We do have another option.”

Seph:”Which is?”

Thief:”We’re not to far from the stronghold of the Orc Mafia.”

RM:”Huh, I’ve heard the Orc Mafia is pretty brutal, you must do business with them eh?”

Thief:”We’ve had a few transactions over time, We can request a meeting with the Don of the Orc Mafia, Gob-gro Orum.”

(Mog comes back with various torture devices, only to drop them upon discovering the ashes of the Chocobos)

Mog:”Damnit, Foiled again!! Damn you Government Aid from other countries, DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!”


RM:”So what makes you think we can get a meeting with the Orc fellow?”

Thief:”Well I’m on somewhat good terms with them, but no worries, it’s not like I’d use you guys as cannon fodder because I haven’t paid a debt in three months.”

Seph:”That’s real reassuring............”

RM:”Well then, Onward!!!”

( the Eastern Jungle.)

(Machina is holding PB, the Book’s pages flip wildly, Rose and Chibi look out towards the horizon)

Chibi:”Damn, it’s hot here, we have no food, and no shelter, what the fuck are we gonna do?”

Rose:”Not sure, I mean out of all of us you’d survive, being a genetic freak and all.”

Chibi:”Gee thanks, I enjoy being called a freak, just because I was junkie doesn’t give you the right to call me a freak, then again...................”

Machina:”So PB, where do we go now?”

PB:”Lets see (pages flip faster) There’s a village nearby, the natives are, erm, not so friendly.........cannibals....not cool...”

Machina:”Well, I suppose we could try to greet the natives, (pulls out katana)”

Rose:”Ew, no way, I don’t want Chaka Zulu taking a bite outta my ass, it’s still broken!!”

Chibi:”It’s worth a shot, besides it’s not like we’ve dealt with worse, if it comes to it we’ll just raid the village, simple as that.

PB:”We could try to make peace with them, offer them something........”

Rose:”Not my ass!!!”

PB:”No, we don’t have much, or we could say Chibi is a God, and have the villagers worship him ensuring our safety.”

Chibi:”Sounds good to me.”

(30 minutes later...........)

(Machina and Co. Arrive at the edge of the village)

Machina:”Well, here goes nothing.”

(The group enters the the village, grass huts are burning, bodies lay strewn across the ground)

PB:”Wha?.............what’s going on here?”

Rose:”This place has been ransacked................”

Chibi:”Yeah, whatever went through here was seriously pissed.”

(A shadowy figure steps out of a hut, he’s tall, and sports a large afro,)

Machina:”(withdraws katana) Who the hell are you?”

Rose:”OMG!!! it’s, it’s.............”

( a villager jumps out of a tree, trying to assault the afro titan, but is knocked into the horizon with ease)

?????:”That’s not Cool man.”


(Meanwhile, in the dark depressing confines of Sin City................)

(Lightning flashes outside of Don Mega’s office, he rubs his chin, talking to himself)

Don Mega:”The Man is no ordinary fellah, he’s got a lot of power backing his ass...........”

(The rain pounds harder against the window, Don Mega settles himself in a chair, pulling out his cellphone, and begins dialing numbers)

Don Mega:” But I’ve got my connections, a little recon from one of my contacts is needed. (Phone begins to ring)”

(............Deep in recesses of Hollow Bastion, Darkness lurks, the inner chambers are covered by the darkness, a being that is the embodiment of shadow itself lives here, he is known as............................)

(An answering machine cuts on, Don Mega’s Voice fills the air)

Don Mega:”Yo Ansem! Where are you Niggah?”

(Something moves in the darkness, a pair of yellow eyes glow in the dark.......)

Don Mega:”I know your there, stop hiding in the fuckin dark!, I need a favor.”

(Ansem (the real one) Steps closer to the machine, something bumps into Ansem)

????:”Ow!!! this isn’t funny!, I’ve got to find the rabbit!”

Ansem:”The dark holds many mysteries girl, you just.........oh yeah.......have to search for them............yessss!!!”

Don Mega:” Look Ansem, I know your playing with underage girls, I busted you out of prison once for that shit man, so stop fucking the girl, and pick up the goddamn phone!!!”

(Ansem reaches for the phone)

Ansem:”Don Mega, how very............unexpected of you to call................”

????:”Oh My! What is this? It’s long and hard, kind of soft.......”

Ansem:”That my dear, is the key to the door to darknesss!!!”

Don Mega:”Man, can’t see how you do this man, she’s underage, thought you would’ve learned by now, wasn’t prison enough?”

Ansem:”Well. I can explain, she’s, oh YES!! Not underage....ahhhhh yesss DARKNESS GUIDE ME!!!!”

Don Mega:”.............right, you expect me to believe that?”

Ansem:”Ahhhhhhh, YES!! KINGDOM HEARTS!!!!!!!!!!”

?????:”OW!! My eye! Ansem! Watch where you aim!!!, I’m not tall like you, you know!”

Ansem:”You see, ahhhhhhh, Alice, is a midget.”

Don Mega:”Wait, Alice? That short bitch from that book, Through The Looking Glass, the one with that crazy rock smoking rabbit, and that guy with funny hat that looks like my old dope dealer?”

Ansem:”Indeed.........oh yesss!!!”

Don Mega:”Damn man, you’re a freak!”

Alice:”Your telling me!”

Ansem:”There was something you wanted to ask of me Don Mega?”

Don Mega:” Yeah, What do you know about this guy called The Man?”

(Silence filled the air for a few moments, except for a grotesque slurping noise and Ansem’s moans)

Ansem:”The Man? I’ve done some, research on this enigma..........”

Don Mega:”And?”

Ansem:”He has no records of any sort, it’s like he never existed, But the rumors of what power he holds is said to be vast, about as much power than Liberman had before his demise...........”

Don Mega:”I see, Any ideas of where this muthafuckah is hiding?”

Ansem:”Ah, that much I can tell you, he has a base of operations in New York, but I can’t seem to get anymore than that, This one seems to have a lot of mystery surrounding him.”

Don Mega:”Alrite, thanks Ansem, knew I could count on you.”

Ansem:”Ah but of course, I must bid you farewell, call if you need my services again, OH YES DARKNESS ETERNAL, YESSSS!!”

(Moaning is heard)

Don Mega:”Right, I’ll do that, take it easy niggah, don’t want yo ass to end up on Dateline again.”

(Don Mega hangs up the phone, and looks out the window, brooding on what to do next.)


DBZ Narrator:”Ansem and co. recover from the devestating attack sent from Majin Buu! I mean, avalanche............................need my old job back.”

(The snow blankets the ground, Black Mage, Fighter, and Aeris, look around, Ansem is no where to be seen. Black Sabbath’s “Snowblind” plays in the background)

BM:”Well, that was fun, froze my nuts off trying to climb out of the snow though, hopefully Fighter perished and froze to death in the cold confines of frozen snow and armor.”

(Fighter shakes snow off of his body, posing with his swords)

Fighter:”Phooey, it’ll take much more than snow to slow me down!!”

Aeris:”Anyone seen Ansem?”

(Ansem rises from the snow slowly like a zombie, brushing himself off)

Ansem:”Well, As much as I like near death experiences as the next guy, we gotta keep moving.”

(Ansem and co. Climb up the summit again......................)

(Meanwhile.....Mog and co. set out to find the Orc Mafia...............................)

RM:”How well do you know the Orc Mafia Thief? I’m not convinced that you, the biggest con-man on the face of the earth, are on good terms with a gang of smelly, brutish creatures that have high strength intervals.”

Thief:”Me a con-man? Why what gives you that idea? I would never use you guys as collateral to pay off my debt to the Orc Mafia, I need you guys for more scams, I mean, friends, yeah.........”

Seph:”I do wonder what you did to piss off the Orcs......”

Mog:”Exchanged information from the CIA with Terrorists over how to create Thermo Nuclear devices that can be activated via Cell-Phone!!!!”

Thief:”Sell them bootleg copies of Iron Maiden, Anthrax, and Slayer albums, that turn out to be Kenny-G CDs, of course it did help them, they leveled an entire city in rage over listening to bad flute music, of course I’ve never bothered to, erm apologize...........?........”

RM:”Yeesh, that’s terrible, so terrible that the Orcs hate Kenny-G so much, He’s a musical genius!!!”

Thief:”.......................if you say so.”

(A nearby bush rustles nearby, The group becomes alert.)

Seph:”What the hell was that?”

Mog:”.....egads, those ragheaded bastards have gotten their hands on Experimental Cloaking devices from the Black Market!!!!, oh god!, what’s happening to me?”

RM:”Gulping Gargoyles!! What’s that smell?”

(A putrid smell hangs in the air, Seph throws up, Mog dons a gas-mask, Figures jump out of the bush, that is now burning from the smell)

Thief:”Teletubbies, yessh, these guys are freaky..........”

Teletubby1:”Hahahahahha, Poe!!”

Mog:”No, they live, those commie bastards live!!! DIE SAND MONKEY!!, DIE!!!”

(Mog pulls out a combat knife, lopping off the first teletubby’s head, the rest of the crew begins to fight.....a mysterious figure hangs in the shadows mumbling gibberish, trying to blend in with the trees, but can’t, due to a bright colored sweater that sticks out, with initals B.B. and a quilted butterfly on it, it seems that the smell comes from this very spot)

Smelly Enigma:”Yes, fight on with Honor!, fight on my colorful warriors, use the strength of Honor, Muhahkahakhahkahakhakha!!!! (terrible laugh)”

(Seph impales a Teletubby on his blade, flinging it into the void)

Seph:”Goddamn!, that smells bad........gonna get sick again!!!”

Smelly Enigma:”Bah!! These fwools fight with no Honor! (Laughs) Fight harder my Comrades of Honor!!!”

(Thief Dons a gas mask, Knifing Teletubbies left and right, Red Mage falls down in front of thief, gagging from the stench.)


Thief:”Tempting, you look like you could use (pulls out extra gas mask) a Gas Mask!”

RM:”Please, stop toying with me, give me the mask!”

Thief:”500 gil.”

RM:”Wha? (Starts to choke) I need that money for stat increases, and a sex change!!”

Thief:”Won’t help much if you die before you get to do that stuff, and I accidently loot your body, (thinks for a moment) nah, Pay up loser.”

RM:”You.............tenacious.............bastard (throws Thief 500 Gil)”

Thief:”your welcome.”

Mog:”YARGGH!!!! (slices more teletubbies up.)”

Seph:”Oh fuck, someone’s gotta get rid of the smell, (impales more teletubbies)”

Smelly Enigma:”Muhahahahahahah!!!! THE Honor, OH THE HONOR!!!”

(Red Mage cups his hands, sparks begin to fly)

Thief:”Wait a sec, what if this shit is Combustible?”

Seph:”Arggh the smell, wait!, he’s gonna blow us all straight to hell!!”

Smelly Enigma:”Wha? This is not Honor!!!!1111!! Retreat!!!”


(The area is engulfed by a large flaming mushroom cloud, the trees and teletubbies, along with half the forest is destroyed, the Smelly Enigma is no where to be found, the crew stands still all covered in soot from the explosion)

RM:”Overkill much, oh well, the life of the forest will no go down in vain, for I’ve got a +5 in my magic stats!!!”

Seph:”(coughs soot) Damn, shit was like gas, well at least it smells better, it smells like, like................”

Mog:”Ah, Smells like Burning Flesh boys.”

Thief:”......................and you know this how?”

Mog:”It’s napalm (lights a cigar and smiles) Napalm + Enemies = Burning Flesh, God I love smell of napalm and burning flesh in the morning, makes you feel, alive.”

Thief:”That’s strange, the Thief’s almanac said nothing about “Apocalypse Now” Sgt. Fulgore Nuclear Explosions, perhaps my versions outdated, oh well, ONWARD!!!”

(The crew continues to trek on towards the Mafia Orc Stronghold.)


DBZ Narrator:” Deep in the bowels of HFIL, I mean, The city, within The Man’s Stronghold, The Man calls upon a loyal subject to find the Dragonballs, I his bidding.”

The building shakes.....)

The Man:”CHARMELS!!!!!”

(Footsteps are heard outside the main door, The doors burst open, Charmels hits the ground with a loud thud.)

Charmels:”Oh please my lord, excuse my indiscretion, I beg for your forgiveness.”

(Charmels approaches the desk, but is knocked back, by a invisible force, sent spiraling onto the floor)

The Man:”You insolent dolt, KNEEL!!, none may approach me.”

Charmels:”Yes, I apologize, (kneels) Please forgive me!!!”

(The building rumbles again, The Man slams his fist onto the desk)

The Man:”Enough of your petty groveling, I require use of you peon.”

Charmels:”I live to serve you my lord.”

The Man:”Do you now?” Then you should have no trouble obeying me on what I’m about to ask of you, correct?”
Charmels:”As I said before, I live to serve.”

The Man:”Excellent, you will head out to the Mountains of Truth, and kill The All Knowing One.”

Charmels:”THE MOUNTAINS OF TRUTH!!!! but.....but......”

The Man:”(voice becomes deadly) But what Charmels?”

Charmels”“There are,.........................lizards there!!!”

The Man:”.........................................”

(The Man Snaps his Fingers, Pity appears out of the shadows, and drags Charmels outside, Charmels screams)

Charmels:”No!!! OUCH!!!! STOP!!! NOT THERE!!!! DON”T CUT THAT!!!!”

( the Eastern Jungle, Machina and Friends chat with their newfound ally, Carlito.)

(Gorillaz’s “Latin Simone” plays in the background, Carlito flexes his muscles, Flirting with Rose)

Carlito:”Check it out girl, I’m cool.”

Rose:”OMG!!! I so wish my ass wasn’t broken now!!”

PB:”Wow this is so cool, it’s fuckin Carlito!!”

Carlito:”Yeah, I’m cool.”

Rose:”OMG SO COOL!!!”

Mach:”Look, whether your cool or not, we need help, we’re stranded in this forsaken jungle, and have no idea where the fuck we are.”

Carlito:”Relax girl, I’m cool, I’ll help you out.”

(Carlito puts his hand in his Afro, rumaging around for something and pulls out, an all terrian Truck)

Chibi:” Damn Man, that’s some killer Dandruff.”

PB:”Holy Shit!! How’d you do that?”

Carlito:”Simple man, I’m a Afro Warrior.”

Rose:”An Afro Warrior!!! OMG!!!”

Mach:”Pity was an Afro Warrior, but he’s betrayed us...........”

PB:”Regardless, we can finally get out of this fucking jungle”

Carlito:”I’ll help you on your quest, because, I’m cool.”

(The group piles into the truck, “Welcome To the Jungle” Hits the background as they drive off into the sunset.)

(Meanwhile..............In the Jungle to the far West...................)

(A man sits atop a rock, smoking a cigarette, he sports army fatigues, and a eye patch, he rubs his chin. This man is a legend, he was once known as Snake, but through some long ass drama story involving the Cold War and Thermo Nuclear Holocaust plot devices, he gained a new persona. He is, the ultimate soldier, the same one that made Ansem the living legend he is today, Big Boss)

(Big Boss Sits on the rock, smoking a cigarette, behind him sits a old wooden outhouse,)

Big Boss:”You done Yet Nabeshin? It’s been about 4 hours now!!”

(Nabeshin, the legendary Afro Warrior, a comical device which has no end to it’s funniness, His methods of fighting are a mystery, hell his Fro holds all the fucking answers, but you’ll never know!!)

Nabeshin:”Arggh, just a few more seconds!!.............OH HO!!!!!!”

Big Boss:”Screw this, Open the Door, Or I’m coming...........”

(The door bursts off it’s hinges, Big Boss is sent flying into the rock he once sat on)

Big Boss:”Ouch, Crabs......................”

Nabeshin:”THIS CANNOT BE!!! (steps out of outhouse)”

(Nabeshin’s pants are down, revealing his boxers)

Big Boss:”Geez, put on your pants man!!”

Nabeshin:”There’s no time for that!! Do you not sense it? Do you not Sense, The Disturbance!!!? (looks at the sky)”

Big Boss:”Well...........I have had a feeling in my gut that something has gone wrong, but I think it was a bad ration, but yeah, something isn’t right............”

(Meanwhile........................................A would be “Legend Killer”, Follows his prey.)

(Orton hides at the edge of the woods, he looks at Ansem and co. climbing the mountains through a pair of binoculars)

Orton:”Ansem, you won’t last 5 seconds with me, I’ll totally own you, Lamer.”

(He continues to watch Ansem and co.)

Orton:”Yes, I’ll go down in history for killing The Legendary Sadist, For I am, “The Legend Killer!”

Orton Fanboy:”T3H BUTTSEX!!!!111!!!”

(The fanboy’s scream causes yet another avalanche)

(Meanwhile................................Deep within The Man’s stronghold)

(Charmel’s is thrown back into The Man’s quarters, bloody and bruised, Pity walks in cleaning blood off a long ritual dagger)

The Man:”Reconsidered have we?”

Charmels:”Yyess, I think I’m going to check into a psych ward, then kill the All Knowing One, heh heh.”

(Silence fills the air, The Man Snaps his Fingers again, Pity Drags Charmel’s out of the office)


(Meanwhile.................Jules and Vince Head to Airport................)

(Jule’s car stops at the airport, the rain pounds heavily on the window, He closes his cell-phone.)

Jules:”That was the Don, We gotta catch a flight to New York.”

Vince:”Alrite then.”

(The two walk into the airport, they continue walking....)

Vince:”Jules, you gotta understand, the fans take the comics too seriously.”

Jules:”Really, I figured that much around the time they started dressing up in costumes.”

(The two walk through a metal detector, it never went off, all according to plan, Don Mega owns the airport, making it quite easy for armed men to get through without hassle)

Vince:”Here’s one for you Jules, Take the Flash, he’s got super speed, that’s his power, but whenever someone pits him against another superhero, they start talking qauntum physics bullshit about how he can break the time barrier or cause a sonic boom to send them to an alternate dimension, it’s all a bunch of plotholes woven into one!”

Jules:”Geez man, you gotta let that shit go, like I said, these guys are obsessed with this shit.”

Vince:”That’s the problem, they get into one series so much, and when someone wants to start a friendly conversation about a match between the Hulk and the Thing, the go off the hinges over who overpowers wh?o, adding all sorts of references from comics that have nothing to do with the fight!”

Jules:”Damn, that’s pathetic, I think their better off gluing pictures of the characters onto popsicle sticks, and duke it out with each other, adding their own bad dialogue and noises.”

(The two laugh, an intercom blares out into the airport)

Intercom:”Now preparing to depart, flight from Sin City to New York, all passengers please board.”

Jules:”Cmon, we gotta catch our flight man.”

To Be Continued......................................

Crab Battle Episode 6:The Pink Panther Part One

A man stood alone in a darkened office, thinking over his broken and shattered life."That damned Clouseu has ruined me,"said the man with more than a tinge of rage,"he has systematically destroyed my life and my mind. How in the name of France will I ever be rid of him? God knows I have tried countless times to put him out of my misery.......but at every turn he somehow survives." A knock came banging loudly upon the door. "Yes,"said the man,gesturing for his assistant to come in,"what is it?"

The assistant opened the door and turned on the light,"Sir,"said he,"The Pink Panther has been stolen!"

"What?! Not again?!" Said the man in astonishment.

"Yes sir, Inspector Dreyfuss, sir. It was stolen exactly three hours ago. The country is in an uproar." Said the assistant.

"I can imagine. France was given the task of keeping the diamond safe while Lugash had it's little civil war. Now we're evidently in the hot seat." Said Dreyfuss.

"The President himself has given orders to see you sir." Said the assistant.

"Me? Why not that damned fool Clouseu?" Asked Dreyfuss with a twinkle in his eye.

"Because sir, Inspector Clouseu is already at the crime scene, along with two other renowned detectives, trying to figure out what happened." Replied the assistant.

"Already.....there....Damn him. Damn him!" Said Dreyfuss covering his face with one hand.

"I will get the car sir." Said the assistant, and with that he turned and left the room.

"I will get you Clouseu. Yes. I WILL GET YOU." Dreyfuss tilted back his head and let out a long slow laugh.

~To the Crime Scene~

"The crime happened at precisely 6:07 PM." Said a tall thin man.

"How did you guess that Mr. Holmes?" Asked a man wearing a trench coat and an odd hat.

"Simple. The clocks are all stopped at that time." Said he with a wave of his hand."I never will get how you police always miss the most simple details."

"Hmmph. British sweene." Replied another man in a trench coat.

"Ahh," said Holmes,"a bit of jealousy, Inspector Clouseu?"

"I wud never be jelluz of en Englishman." Replied Clouseu angrily.

"What?" Asked Holmes."I couldn't understand you."

"I sed I wud never be jelluz of en Englishman!" Said Clouseu. "What ez so hard to understend?"

"Fellows, let's not fight amongst ourselves here." Said a stout man with a moustache.

"Quite right, Watson." Said Holmes.

"Go go Gadget magnifying glass!" Said the other man in a trench coat.

"Find zomething, Inspectoer Gidget?" Asked Clouseu.

"Yes. A blue hair." Said Gadget looking down upon it closely."Go go Gadget evidence bag!"

"The suspect entered through the wall." Said Holmes as he looked at the massive hole in the concrete and metal wall.

"I wonder how,"said Watson.

"Well there are no marks that would come from an explosion. It's as if the wall was just ripped apart." Said Holmes.

"Let uz enterrogate ze wetnezz." Said Clouseu.

~To Dreyfus~

"You want me to what?!!!!??" Shouted Dreyfuss as he stood before the President of France.

"I want you to go to Lugash and personally inform the Shah what has happened. I want you to remain there and guarantee him that we are doing our best until the case is solved." Said the President cooly.

"But sir, there is a war taking place." Said Dreyfuss hysterically.

"If you won't do it, maybe it would be better if you leave this office unemployed?" Replied the President.

"I it." Said Dreyfuss, defeated.

"Very well. Inform the Shah that we have the very best detectives in the world upon the case. Sherlock Holmes of England, Inspector Clouseu of our fair country, and Inspector Gadget of America. It is unfortunate that Detective Richard Moore of Japan could not make it as well." Said the President.

"I will leave for Lugash right away." Said Dreyfuss.

~Crime Scene~

"So you say it was a blue blur? It tore through the wall with amazing speed and took the diamond in a flash?" Asked Holmes.

"Yes." Said the guard."And it smelled of chili dogs.It freaked me out more than the uprising at Shadow Moses."

"Shadow.....Moses?" Asked Holmes.

"Yes," said the guard,"it was an incident in America about a decade ago. I was one of the guards there, after I was freed by Solid Snake, I came to France to try and escape the whole conspiracy thing."

"Hmm. Watson, make a note of this, it may have some bearing upon this case." Said Holmes. Watson did as he was told and began to write down what he had just heard.

"Ha! How cud thiz heve enytheng to do weth ze case?" Asked Clouseu.

"Hmmph. You never bother looking at the facts do you? I will not reveal my suspicions yet, but I'll have you know that this Shadow Moses affair seems important." Said Holmes.

~To Ansem~

"Is anyone else getting Goku on Snake Way syndrome?" Asked Black Mage in a dark tone as the group attempted yet again to climb the mountain.

"Well it's simple really. The writers want to get some lame subplots up and running before we make it up this mountain."Said Fighter matter-of-factly. The group gazed at Fighter."I like swords!"

"Well, at least I enjoy the exercise," said Aeris,"gotta look for the positive side."

Randy Orton stood watching them in the shadows. "Ha, I'll get you Ansem." All of a sudden the song "It's Raining Men" began to play. "Oh it's my cell!" Orton said as he answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Forget about them!" Said a british voice,"I have someone else that's going to take them down."

"What?! But I wanted to kill Ansem. He's the Crab Battler!" Cried Orton in despair.

"No. You need to get to the jungle immediately. An afro warrior by the name of Carlito and some of those infernal Kupo crew members are nearing one of our hidden labs."
Said the Man.

"Carlito?!" Said Orton in shock."He's still alive?"

"Yes, your last encounter with him left him wounded but not dead. I need you to finish the job. Don't worry about Ansem, I have a feeling that another plot device will lead to his demise."

"Very well." Said Orton and he hung up the phone. He then gazed out towards Ansem and co again."I will kill you Ansem." With that he turned and hurried into the forest.

"T3H BUTTS3CKZ!!!!" Screamed an Orton fanboy and this scream once again thwarted our heroes' mountain climb.

~To Carlito~

" did you become a book?" Asked Carlito.

PB didn't answer for a moment."I was killed and some idiot revived me as a book."

"That's not cool man." Said Carlito. All of a sudden a bullet smashed through the windshield and slammed into Machina's neck. "FUCK! Hold on!" Shouted Carlito as he spun the truck around and pulled a gun out of his afro.

"Hey Carlito! You still have a way to go!" Shouted the unknown assassin.

"Not you again," said Carlito,"you're not cool."

"Mach......."Said Rose quietly as she held her friend in her arms.

"Who the hell is this guy?" Asked Chibi.

"He's an old friend turned enemy. Or maybe it's me that has turned enemy." Said Carlito.

"What?" Said PB.
"No time for flashbacks,"said Carlito,"we've gotta kill this guy."

~To Be Continued.....

"WHAT!!!!!! I WASN'T IN THIS EPISODE!!!!! DAMN YOU FRIEZA!!!!!!!" Shouted the DBZ Narrator.

Crab Battle 2 Episode 7: There's A Benoit on the Wing

"Hello?" Shouted Thief as he peered towards the massive Orc mansion in front of them."Guys? It's me, Thief!"

"Maybe those damned commies got 'em!" Said Mog as he readied himself for an attack.

"No. Maybe they just didn't do a good dice roll?" Said Red Mage.

"Whatever. Let's go in and rob 'em." Replied Thief hastily. He then headed towards the massive house, but then stopped and turned to Seph." comin?"

Seph was curled into a ball on the ground mumbling,"Please don't make me die next, PLEASE!"

"Yeah.......RM maybe you better stay here and watch him whilst me and Mog go plunder the mansion." Said Thief looking at Red Mage.

"Fine. I could get experience in my babysitter stat!" Replied Red Mage happily.

"Okay. Come on Mog, we might find some......uh......terrorists!" Said Thief.

"Let's go!" Shouted Mog as he pulled an M16 from out of don't wanna know.

~To Carlito~

"Carlito! Why don't you come out and say hi?!" Shouted the assassin.

"Hmph, I'll say more than that Arterus, you prick!" Shouted Carlito as he fired a round from his gun at Arterus.

"Car....lito......Mach's......"Said Rose slowly as Mach lay unmoving in her arms.

"She'll be fine if we can get rid of this bastard in time!" Shouted Carlito as he leap from the truck and headed for cover behind a nearby tree."Chibi! Grab PB and head out here with me!"

Chibi snatched up PB and leapt from the truck, leaving Rose and Mach behind."Who the fuck is this guy?" He said as he squated down beside Carlito.

"His name is Arterus. He and I once worked for Soul Caliber Inc. as partner assassins."Said Carlito as a bullet wizzed by his head.

"Carlito!"Shouted Arterus as he leapt out from behind the bushes he was hiding in and shot one leg straight into the air, whilst balancing on the other."Why don't we fight hand to hand?" He was a tall scary figure with pale blue skin and he was enshrouded in long black robes.

"Fine Arterus,"said Carlito as he stepped out from behind the tree,"I'll play it your way." He then started to head towards Arterus but Chibi stopped him.

"Let me take him." Said Chibi gazing deeply into Carlito's eyes as if he were trying to rip into Carlito's soul.

"Uh sure man. That's cool." Said Carlito not wanting any part of the roid raged monster that stood before him. "Look out though. He cheats."

"Ha. Having your boyfriend fight your battles for you? Well I'll kill you just the same after I'm done with him."Said Arterus bringing his leg back to the ground and setting himself in a weird fighting stance. Chibi just shook his head slowly, as if he were looking upon a retard, and lifted both hands balled into fists in front of him.

"Looks like Goku is powering up to do battle!!!!" Shouted the DBZ Narrator.

"Two souls are about to be locked in an epic struggle!"Said another disembodied voice.

"What the fuck was that?" Said the DBZ Narrator.

"It's the Soul Calibur Announcer."Said Carlito as he looked up into the sky.Chibi then began to scream as he powered up. The ground began to shake and electricity surrounded his entire body. Rocks began to lift off the ground and the surrounding trees were bending from the force.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!" Screamed Chibi as he continued powering up. His eyes began to bleed from the force.

"Oh my! He's pushing his limits now! But will it be enough for Gohan to beat Buu.......uh.......Chibi to.....uh beat Arterus...."Said the DBZ Narrator.

"One rises to the challenge while the other waits in awe."Said the Soul Calibur Announcer.

"Huh huhm....this is my show pal." Said the DBZ Narrator. Chibi lunged forward at Arterus, who jumped out of the way and slammed a dagger into Chibi's back.

"Too quick for you?" Said Arterus with a smirk as he pulled another dagger out from under his robes.

"Hahahahahaha!!!" Laughed Chibi hysterically."You believe a little dagger is going to be enough to drop me? I've seen special olympics rejects faster than you."

"Ho hum. It seems you like pulling lame insults from your ass." Said Arterus as he once again kicked his leg into the air.

"Well at least I don't prance around and throw my legs into the air like some fag." Said Chibi as he once again charged at Arterus.

"WHOAH! Harsh words from a harsh fighter!"Said the DBZ Narrator.

"The warriors are filled with confidence and continue their epic battle!" Said the Soul Calibur Announcer.

"This is my show." Said the DBZ Narrator again angrily.

~To The Airplane~

"Would you like some bacon sir?" Asked the stewardess as she stood over Jules.

"No thank you." Said Jules.

Vincent looked at the stewardess and nodded his head. She then handed him a plate of bacon which he begin to eat feverishly."I dont know why.......*chomp chomp* don't eat bacon."

"I told you already Vincent. Pigs are filthy, and I really don't want to eat anything that wallows in its own shit." Said Jules.

Vincent looked down at his bacon with disust."Why did you have to go and say a thing like that?"

"You asked." Said Jules.

Vincent pushed the plate away from him and looked out the window. It was a clear blue night and he could see the left airplane wing."You know," said Vincent gazing at Jules,"I have never had a window seat that allowed me to look out at a wing before."

"That's nice." Said Jules as he looked up at the ceiling.

~To Dreyfuss~

Dreyfuss sat in a seat on a small plane which was going to take him into Lugash."They would not risk a large plane so instead they gave me a crop duster........" Thought Dreyfuss to himself."They sent me on a suicide least I'll be away from that infernal Clouseu." Dreyfuss's mind was then filled with gory images of the Inspector.

"Alright back there?" Shouted the pilot.

"Yes. I'm fine." Said Dreyfuss. All of a sudden the plane began to shake furiously. Dreyfuss was tossed about in his seat."What the hell?"

"We're being fired at!" Shouted the pilot. "Hold on!!!"

Dreyfuss did just that, but it didn't make much difference. "Get us the hell away from here!" Dreyfuss shouted at the pilot, but there was no response. Dreyfuss got out of his seat and made his way to the cockpit, only to discover that the pilot was dead. Dreyfuss looked forward out of the plane. The ground was getting nearer and nearer. "DAMN YOU CLOUSEU!!!!!" He shouted as the plane crashed hard into the ground and burst into flame.

~To Orton~

"I need you to bring my helicopter!" Shouted Orton into his phone as he ran through the woods.

"Sir!" Replied the person on the phone.

"Do it now Owl, and I'll give you a bonus." Said Orton.

"T3H BUS3CKZ!!!!!" Shouted an Orton fanboy.

~To Charmles~

"Will you do it now?" Asked Pity as he slammed his fist into Charmles gut.

"" Charmles said painfully.

"Fine." Said the Man, as he looked up from his desk. "Pity will you give Charmles a senzu bean and send him on his way?"

"Yes sir." Said Pity as he dropped Charmles on the floor.

~To Ansem~

"Finally......"Said Black Mage as he and the others settled down upon the peak of the smallest mountain.

"Don't get too happy," said Ansem pointing to the tallest mountain,"we still have to climb that."

"Well at least climbing is fun!" Chimed in Aeris.

"Yeah, I know. Always look for the positive, huh?" Said Ansem as he looked at Aeris with rage.

"Uh huh. Now you're getting it!" Said Aeris.

"No. I really fucking am not getting it." Said Ansem loudly.

"Well maybe you will."Replied Aeris.

"And maybe,"said Ansem as he lifted Aeris by the throat,"I'll fucking kill you."

"Guys, guys, guys!" Said Black Mage."If there's going to be any killing around here, I'll be doing it!" He then plunged his dagger into Fighter's back.

"I like swor....OUCHIES!!!" Cried Fighter.

Ansem dropped Aeris to the ground."Let's start climbing." He then turned his back on Aeris and started back on his quest to reach the largest mountain's peak.

"I think someone's a little grumpy." Said Aeris as he rubbed his neck.

"Why don't you shut the hell up? You're more irritating than Fighter." Said BM.

"I like swords! I like swords! I like swords!" Said Fighter.

"On second thought......" Said BM.

"It's a dragon!!!!!!" Shouted Fighter.

"What?!" Said Ansem looking down from his climbing.

"Charmander.......Char.......Char!" Said a s?mall dragon-like creature.

"It's a Poke'mon!" Said Aeris gleefully.

"No it's not." Said BM.

"What is it then?" Asked Aeris.

BM slammed his dagger into the Charmander's throat, killing it."It's dead. That's what it is."

"You big meanie!!!" Shouted Fighter

"Sicko!" Said Aeris.

Ansem said nothing, but his smile showed his thoughts on what Black Mage had done. A loud roar however caused his smile and silence to disappear."What the fuck?"

A horde of Charizards had descended down upon them."Ansem......I believe we might need a hand down here....." Said Aeris slowly.

"DRAGONS!!!!!" Exclaimed Fighter.

"Oh shut up." Said Black Mage

~To Carlito~

Arterus slammed a dagger into Chibi's arm as he dodged a punch."How many times will I have to plunge a dagger into you before you die?" Asked Arterus.

"I don't know."Said Chibi with a smirk,"How many daggers you got?" He then slammed his fist into Arterus's face knocking him to the ground, but Arterus jumped back to his feet and hit Chibi with an uppercut. Chibi swung his arm but Arterus ducked and slammed a dagger through Chibi's elbow.

"Well it seems an evenly matched contest on Namek as Goku faces off against Frieza......but how long will our hero last?" Said the DBZ Narrator.

"The two souls are evenly matched, but one will fall. Who will be marked for death by destiny?" Said the Soul Calibur Announcer.

"It'" Said the DBZ Narrator slowly.

Inside the truck Rose still held Mach in her arms."Don't die on me." Said Rose as she pressed a bandage on Machina's throat."We girls have to stick together."

Carlito stood watching the fight but then grabbed PB."I think Chibi can handle himself," said Carlito as he lifted PB,"let's go check on your other friend."

~To the Airplane~

Vincent sat with his eyes on the ceiling thinking about the task ahead of him and his partner. He looked over at Jules who had fallen asleep, when he heard a strange muffled noise that seemed to have come from outside tha plane. "M......a......c......h.......i......n.....e", went the noise, "M......a......c....h....i....n....e...."

"What the hell?" Said Vincent as he looked out of the window. "Hey....Jules....."Said Vince in a scared voice as he looked out the window at the airplane's left wing.

"Yeah?" Asked Jules as he opened his eyes and turned to Vincent.

"There's....something out there......on the wing....." Said Vincent.

"Real funny Vincent. Is it a gremlin?" Asked Jules with a laugh.

"''s.....a man....." Replied Vincent slowly.

"A what?!" Exclaimed Jules."I haven't heard that one before."

"I'm.....serious.....look...."Replied Vincent as he moved back so Jules could see out of the window.

"Really Vinc......"Started Jules as he peered out of the window, but sure enough a man with yellow tights that said "4 Real" on the side of them was squeezing tightly to the wing."It's motherfuckin Chris Benoit!!"

"Who?" Asked Vincent in astonishment.

"Chris Benoit. He was a professional wrestler until he became obsessed with the idea that all machines were evil." Said Jules still peering out the window.

"Yeah.....uh....but what about the wing?" Asked Vincent.

"It'll be fine. He's just a man Vincent, it's not like he's going to tear the wing off." Replied Jules as he sat back down in his seat.

Just then the plane gave a jerk."JULES!!! HE'S TEARING THE WING OFF!!!!!" Shouted Vincent.

"Machine!!!!!!!!!!" Came Benoit's cry from outside, and sure enough the wing came off with Benoit still attached to it.

"Ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking, we have lost the left wing. I will be performing an emergency landing. Please hold on." Said the Captain over the intercom.

"I'"Said Jules in amazement.

~To Thief~

Thief and Mog continued to head through the house, but there wasn't an Orc in sight......well a living Orc anyway. Several dead and dismembered Orcish bodies layed scattered throughout the mansion. "What the hell happened here?" Said Thief as he scooped up some more loot into his bag.

"I can only imagine it was Osama." Said Mog looking at the carnage.

Back outside, Red Mage continued to watch over Seph."Come on. You won't get killed off!" Said RM.

"Really?!?!" Said Seph with glee.

"Well......not right now anyway!" Said RM. Seph then crumpled back into a ball.

~To Carlito~

Chibi had leapt upon Arterus and began to pound his head in. "Had enough?!" Grunted Chibi as Arterus slammed a dagger into his genitals.

"No. You still have a way to go!" He then kicked Chibi off of him and followed it up with a slice across Chibi's face.

"Quit saying that!" Shouted Chibi as he headbutted Arterus.

Arterus rebounded with a kick to Chibi's gut and a knife to his throat."To hell with you, you genetic freak!"

"Aww.....thanks for the compliment." Said Chibi with a smile and a fist to Arterus's chin.

"Tien still stands against the Saiyan Nappa, but for how long!" Said the DBZ Narrator.

"Blood has been shed upon Holy Ground and the spirits cry for vengeance!" Said the Soul Calibur Announcer.

"I TOLD YOU!!!!! THIS IS MY FUCKING SSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!" Screamed the DBZ Narrator as he launched a massive off-screen ki blast destroying the Soul Calibur Announcer.

"Holy fucking hell......" Said Chibi as he looked up at the sky.

"NOOO!!!!" Screamed Arterus. "NOT SAL!!!"

Chibi, realizing his opportunity, grabbed Arterus by the arms and ripped him in half. "Fuck you." Said Chibi as he dropped Arterus's body pa?rts.

Back at the truck Carlito bent down over Machina. He looked up at Rose, but she turned her face away from his. She saw in his eyes that Mach was dead." lied to me." Said Rose.

" sorry." Said Carlito, reaching out to soothe Rose.

She knocked his hand away."Don't you fuckin' touch me!" She shouted.

Carlito lowered his head, and with PB still in his hand, he climbed back out of the truck. "So you won, huh?" Said Carlito as he saw Chibi.

"Yeah." Said Chibi as he looked down at his wounds which were already almost healed over."He got distracted and I took him out."

"Your friend......she's.....dead." Said Carlito.

Chibi sighed and looked down at the ground."There gets less and less of us by the minute." He said as he kicked a stone.

"I'm sorry." Said Carlito.

Chibi grabbed Carlito by the throat."Sorry doesn't cut it! You're going to tell me who that prick was that killed my friend, when he was trying to kill you!"

Carlito easily got out of Chibi's grasp."Fine. I'll tell you whatever you want to know."

"As our heroes' numbers constantly dwindle, will we even have a cast by episode 12?!?! And what about Ansem and co.? Will they make it up the mountain, or will they die by the obstacle which they now face? Will Mog ever find out what happened to him? Will Seph ever grow a pair? Will Thief find the Orc mafia leader alive? Find the next episode of.....DRAGON BALL Z!!!!" Shouted the DBZ Narrator.

~To Be Continued.....

Crab Battle 2 Episode 8: It's All About The Flashbacks Part 1

Clouseu peered around the corner of his dining room door. "Cato? Come out Cato!" Shouted Clouseu as he quickly jumped around the corner with his hands up in a karate stance. No one was in the dining room however."Cato?" Shouted Clouseu again. He walked slowly towards the kitchen."Come out my leettle yeellow frieend!"

All of a sudden a Chinese man clad in black leapt from out of nowhere and began to battle Clouseu.

"AH HA Cato! You cannot defeat me, you fuuuuel!" Shouted Clouseu as he blocked a punch of Cato's.

Clouseu slammed his hand into Cato's stomach and smashed his knee into his head. Cato rebounded with a karate kick that sent Clouseu tumbling over. Clouseu got back to his feet and grabbed a nearby kendo stick."I've got you now, Cato!" Said he.

Cato however leapt backwards and grabbed a lamp. Clouseu charged forward, but Cato dodged and slammed the lamp into the back of Clouseu's head.

"OWW!" Shouted Clouseu as he turned around and smacked Cato across the face with the kendo stick.

Cato fell to the ground and rolled around constantly, dodging each of Clouseu's attempts to hit him again. Clouseu finally caught him on the back and in doing so shattered his kendo stick in two. Cato, seeing that Clouseu had two weapons now rather than one, rethought his strategy and ran into the kitchen.

"Come beeck!" Shouted Clouseu.

Cato did come back, but he did so with a handful of canned goods."HIYAH!" Shouted Cato as he tossed a can of peaches at Clouseu's head.

"Ow! You'll pey for thet Cato!" Shouted Clouseu as he ran forward, dodging cans, and smacked Cato on the head.
The phone began to ring.

"Could you get that, Cato?" Asked Clouseu putting his hands at his sides.

Cato eyed Clouseu carefully, but did as he was told. He lifted the phone to his ear."Inspector Clouseu's Residence." There was a pause as Cato listened to the caller."Yes, one moment. Inspec.." Began Cato, but Clouseu smashed him in the back of the head with both pieces of kendo sticks, knocking him out cold.

Clouseu picked up the phone.

"Heelo? Yes, thees es Clouseu. Mr. Hilmes? Yees I wud eenjoy a deener." Said Clouseu.

"Very well, Inspector, meet me at the the Cafe' De' La Mario." Said Holmes.

~To Carlito~

" used to work with that guy." Said Chibi pointing to Arterus's remains.

"Yeah. A long time ago I was a hitman. I worked on my own until one day I was asked to join Soul Calibur Inc. It is a very notorious assassin agency." Said Carlito.

"And you joined them?" Asked PB.

"Yeah. I was only too happy to join an organization like that. I was trained after joining, and that guy," said Carlito pointing at Arterus,"was one of the guys in my class."

Chibi and PB sat there for a moment without speaking.

"So.....what happened then?" Asked PB.

"Well.......I was put on a team. We were a group of rookies that went on large scale assassin missions together. We killed so many people......." Carlito said as he looked up at the sky.

Rose sat unmoving in the background holding a pic of Mach in her hand.

"My group consisted of myself, Arterus, a brother and sister,Nana and Popo were their names, an invisible guy named Frank, and another guy......" Said Carlito.

"Who was the other guy?" Asked Chibi as he gazed over at Rose.

"His name was Randy Orton." Said Carlito.

"T3H BUTTS3CKZZZZ!!!!!!1111!!" Screamed an Orton fanboy.

"What the hell was that all about?" Said Chibi as he listened to the fanboy's shout echo throughout the jungle.

"That? don't wanna know. Anyways, we were all the best of friends. day we got a job....."Said Carlito.

"I feel a flashback coming on." Said PB.

Carlito stood along with Arterus and Randy Orton in a dark room in front of a large desk. An odd figure that seemed to be covered in bondage was seated behind the desk.

"You all have done well." Said the figure."But I have a job that will truly test your skills."

"Hmph. What job can compare to our team's skill, Master Voldo?" Asked Orton with his usually cockyness.

"Well, a hit has been placed upon a very powerful duo." Said Voldo."A duo and all of their students."

"Who?" Asked Carlito as he stared at Voldo.

"Big Boss and Nabeshin. The Crab Battler Grand Master and the Afro Warrior Grand Master." Said Voldo.

"Well, it seems you are finally paying attention to our skills." Said Arterus as he shot his leg up in the air.

"Ha. I doubt you will all make it back alive." Said Voldo."Now get out of my sight!"

The trio left the room.

"Well what do you think Carlito?" Asked Orton.

"I think that this is going to be cool!" Replied Carlito.

"Yeah let's go kill those legends." Said Orton as they boarded the elevator.

"We are skillful," said Arterus kicking his leg in the air,"but we still have a way to go."

"No we don't." Replied Orton.

"Oh yeah," said Arterus with a laugh,"you're right."

~To The Airplane~

Well Jules," said Vincent,"what do you have to say?"

"I can't fucking believe it. He tore the wing off." Replied Jules.

"Yeah. And now we're in Jersey. Fuckin' Jersey! Hell the only place worse than this is Arkansas!" Said Vincent angriliy.

"Hey man?" Said Jules.

"Yeah?" Said Vincent.

"Shut the fuck up." Answered Jules.

~To Thief~

Red Mage stood over Seph as he wept about not wanting to die.

"I have an idea!" Said Red Mage proudly.

"What?" Asked Seph.

"I could cast Life on you over and over so you'll never die!" Said RM.

"REALLY?!?!!?" Exclaimed Seph.

"Yes, but it's a 1 in 130049494757594795375973957959375938593849839483948934573579357935839489384938493- *takes a deep breath* -23373744644735735275275272572572573573744764767367367672222221000000090909090908220337593572 chance that it will work." Said RM.

"Well......hey it's a chance right?" Said Seph.

"Okay, here we go!" Said RM."LIFE!!!"

RM shot out a blast of white misty light that enshrouded Seph.

"Did it work?" Asked Seph.

"Well, I'd have to try and kill you to find out." Replied Red Mage.

~To Lugash Crash Site~

Dreyfuss was somehow alive. He got up and looked at the wreckage around him. "How was he still alive?" Thought Dreyfuss to himself.

"That's because I shielded you." Came a female voice from a small distance away.

"Huh?" Dreyfuss turned startled to discover that he was now surrounded by soldiers.

"We mean you no harm. You could be of use to us." Said a blonde man with a british voice.

"Who are you?" Asked Dreyfuss.

"We are a group that seeks to stop the Patriots' rule." Said the blonde man.

"Patriots?" Said Dreyfuss as he tried to piece together what was going on.

"Yes. They are the group of men who rule the world from behind the scenes." Said the blonde man.

"What?" Said Dreyfuss in awe.

"Yes. And their leader is known only as......The Man." Said the blonde man.

"The Man has always been known of, however." Said the woman.

"Yes. But his organization is in the shadows." Said the blonde man.

"Who are you?" Asked Dreyfuss again.

"My name is Jean Grey." Said the woman.

"My name you will never know, but you can call me Liquid Snake." Said the blonde man.

~To the Cafe~

"Well have you enjoyed your fight with your servant Cato?" Asked Holmes as he helped himself to a bit of lasagna.

"Yees, et wa-" Started Clouseu but he stopped and stared at Holmes.

"Ha. It is quite simple Inspector," said Holmes as he put his wine glass to his lips,"you have bruises all over you, and on the phone I could hear you attacking Cato. It also seems,from the older bruises you have, that this is a daily thing for you."

"Weell, whetever." Replied Clouseu as he began to eat.

"Holmes wanted to discuss the case with you Inspector." Said Watson.

"Yes, that is right." Said Holmes.

"Weell?" Asked Clouseu.

"Do not trust Gadget, he is working for another team." Said Holmes.

"Gidget? Weerking for ze ether teem?" Asked Clouseu in shock.

"Gidget?" Asked Holmes.

"Yees, Gidget." Replied Clouseu.

"Ahh, Gadget." Corrected Holmes.

"Thet ez whet I have been seying you fuuuel!" Said Clouseu.

"Yes.......anyways Gadget is not to be trusted. He may or may not be working with the thieves, but he definatley has his own dark agenda." Said Holmes.

"Why do you theenk thet?" Asked Clouseu.

"I will not reveal that just yet. But don't trust him." Said Holmes.

~To the Flash Back~

"So we have to kill a whole school?" Asked Nana.

"Yep." Replied Orton.

"Sounds fun!" Said Nana.

"Yes it does!" Said Popo as he grabbed Nana's ass.

"Oh know that's not right!" Said Nana."You need to grab me by the crotch!" She slammed her hand into Popo's groin and squeezed his genitals.

"Um......incest is not cool." Said Carlito with disgust.

" isn't very......appealing." Said Orton.

"But they still have a way to go!" Said Arterus arroused.

"When do we strike?" Asked an unseen figure.

"We'll do that tonight Frank." Said Orton.

"Fine. I'll be in my room." Said Frank and his footsteps could be heard going down the hall.

~Elsewhere in the Flash Back~

"That's how you do it!" Said Nabeshin as he sparred with a small boy.

"I'll beat you Master Nabeshin!" Said the boy as he struck Nabeshin on the chin.

"Nice one Pity!" Said Nabeshin."But I don't think you can beat me just yet!" And with that he slammed the boy to the ground.

"It seems that things are slowing down in some areas while speeding up in others! Let's hope Goku can reach King Kai in time!!!!" Said the DBZ Narrator.

~To Be Continued....

Last edited by Cloud 777 on 10-7-2007 3:42 PM

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic

R.I.P. Benoit.
6-25-2007 9:20:50 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

Chris Benoit and his family were found dead earlier today. I....well I just wanted to put a tribute up for him.

So, rest in peace Chris.

Also, even in light of his death, Chris will not be removed from Crab Battle. Although you may see it as bad taste, Benoit is a MAJOR player in the series, and removing him would fuck it all up.


Forums » Chatter » Off Topic

RE: R.I.P. Benoit.
6-26-2007 5:00:35 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10
#3 the media is saying Benoit killed his family and himself.

I still respect him though, even if he did it. He was a damn good wrestler, and awesome material for parodies. He will be missed, and I'm sorry that he snapped. I wish that he would not have experienced whatever that drove him to do it.

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic » Parodies

RE: Crab Battle 2
6-26-2007 5:14:45 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

Alright since no one asked a question, I'll take AndY's. Yes AndY, you will be a new hero. I believe you and Muteki debut in the ep. Ansem is working on.

Also there will be a CYOA ep. I will not tell you the name of the character that you will be using during this little project, but I will tell you that the character has four letters to its name. This ep. will not happen for some time, though.

I will not reveal anymore wisemen or there realms, at the moment, but I will tell you that one of the wisemen hates Jews.

Captain Jack Sparrow, Adam Sessler, and Morgan Webb will also all be featured as heroes. Now there will also be even more good guys left to come, so you might want to pull out a pen and paper during the series so you can keep track of all the sidequests and subplots and groups.

Another little tidbit is that a slew of Mortal Kombat characters will be featured in the series.

One last thing, Liquid will not be some small part of the series. Liquid and his group effectively form a fully realized third party in the story.

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic » Parodies

RE: The parody contest...
9-10-2007 10:50:25 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

(Bursts through a wall)

What's up guys?!?!?! The contest is still on and will end Oct. 3rd. There is also a short story contest it ends on the same day.

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic » Parodies

RE: Crab Battle 2
9-10-2007 10:55:47 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

Why is my Crab Battle 2 post with all of the eps. so far, screwed up? I see no spacing and br everywhere.

Oh and Seph, Ansem has College and work so I don't know when he'll finally post the next ep. But I really never stop working on it, I keep coming up with new things and plot changes all the time.
Last edited by PityThaFoolThatInsultZelda on 9-11-2007 1:38 AM

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic

9-10-2007 11:08:02 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

Well it's simple. I will post the topic and you put your favorite thing that falls under that topic. Feel free to put a list, but have them in order.

Video Game Music

10.Halo 2 Main Theme

9.The Legend of Zelda: The Windwaker- Dragon Roost Isle Theme

8.EarthBound- Twoson Theme

7.The Elder Scrolls III Morrowind Main Theme

6.Super Mario RPG- Marrymore Theme

5.The Legend of Zelda II The Adventure of Link Main Theme

4.Metal Gear Solid 3 End Theme

3.Super Mario Bros. Main Theme

2.The Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time Main Theme

1.The Legend of Zelda Main Theme

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic

9-10-2007 11:13:36 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

So what is your wishlist for this year? What do you plan/want/wish to buy? (Not limited to games)

Super Smash Brothers Brawl

The Legend of Zelda The Phantom Hourglass

Super Mario Galaxy

Halo 3 Legendary Edition

Dragon Ball Z Budokai Tenkaichi 3

Half Life 2 The Orange Box

The Elder Scrolls IV Oblivion Game of the Year Edition

Mass Effect

Dragon Ball Z Season 3

Forums » Chatter » Off Topic

RE: Favorites
9-17-2007 8:15:46 PM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

Favorite way to kill someone who just spoiled a book/movie/game for you.......Nah just kidding, even though I did just get the end of Halo 3 spoiled.

Anyways.........Favorite Flavor of candy.



3.Sour Apple


Forums » Chatter » Off Topic » Parodies

RE: The parody contest...
10-3-2007 6:38:44 AM

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 10

Well today's the day guys.
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