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Acid Trip X-mas:06/07 winning entry.
5-16-2007 7:51:22 AM
Ansem the Defiler

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 816
Location: Purgatory Heights Mental Asylum
Quote  #1

Seeing as my other entry would take more time than provided, I decided to make a short parody for the holiday season. It’s not that good, but I hope you enjoy it.<br><br><br><br>Ansem, the Defiler’s 06/07 Parody Entry: An Acid Trip X-mas. Part 1.<br><br>(A giant multi-screened T.V. turns on in a dark room, A council is being held, within the confines of these secluded walls stand the oppressors to society and life as we know it.)<br><br>The Senator:”Gentleman, the time of Christmas is upon us, the time of joy, laughter, and vast marketing of useless holiday products to help fuel our corporate holiday. Although we conquer the masses by brainwashing them with holiday cheer and mirth, We have one...slight issue that can turn our plan against us.”<br><br>(The screen flashes to an image of a invitation written in blood red letters.)<br><br>The Senator:”Our sources say that there is to be what is said, ‘The most totally awesome, brutal Christmas party of the century.”<br><br>(A short man in a army uniform rises from his seat.)<br><br>The General:”Yes, I’ve seen things like this before, back in the 70's. The parties were massive, involving peace, love, and illicit drugs and sex, the scum of the earth attend things such as these. Damn dirty hippies.”<br><br>(A tall pale robed man of the cloth stands to speak, gripping a cross as he spoke.)<br><br>The Priest:”Yes, sinners that all deserved to by purged by God’s hand.”<br><br>(Various others nod in agreement, the head of the table, a tall masculine long haired man, looks on intently.)<br><br>The Senator:”Yes, and the root of this party has it’s main attraction..............”<br><br>(The screen flashes a group of 5 people, the council gives looks of intense disgust.)<br><br>The Senator:”Deathkloc............”<br><br>The General:”By Nixons Brow! They plan to play at this party?”<br><br>The Senator:”Indeed they do General, Whoever is hosting this “party” has hired out Deathkloc to play, and we all know how big Deathkloc’s influence is.”<br><br>(The Screen flashes to an image of Santa Claus)<br> <br>The Senator:”Imagine this as you will gentlemen, if Deathkloc preforms at this years biggest Christmas celebration, it could change the holiday........forever.”<br><br>(The image of Santa changes into a leather pants wearing Claus, with pentagrams painted on him, make up, guitar, and devil horns.)<br><br>The Priest:”Evil, such evil they bring, and to do it on such a day, it’s blasphemy!!!”<br><br>The Senator:”Truly, but imagine a Metal Christmas. Heavy Metal Christmas carols, guitars and drum sets in every stocking, Mosh Pit playsets, even a low budget film of “Kiss saves X-mas”. This must be stopped.”<br><br>The General:”I suggest a scorched earth policy, burn the party to the ground.”<br><br>The Senator:”There in lies the problem.........we.........have to.......be.................invited............”<br><br>(The room falls silent)<br><br>The Priest:”...............................................”<br><br>The Senator:”But, We confiscated a invitation from Tom Cruise, needless to say, he won’t need it after being hit over the head with a bust of Elron Hubbard, now will he?”<br><br>The Priest:”Yes, we should all go, it would be.......................easier to get rid of Deathkloc that way..........”<br><br>The General:”Yes, we should stop this filthy sex induced......alcohol bearing.....awesome event of the century.............by going..............”<br><br>(The Council looks to the head guy, with hopeful looks with every intention to not foil the party, with fake smiles to boot.)<br><br>Head of Council:”No.”<br><br>The General:”But sir, why not?”<br><br>The Senator:”It would be...............good for us........to do some...............espionage work.”<br><br>Head of Council:”No.”<br><br>The Senator:”But...........why?”<br><br>Head of Council:”.....................Because I’m going.”<br><br>(The Council sighs, with looks of being scolded.)<br> <br>The Head of Council:”We do have, one other problem that requires the most action.......”<br><br><br>(The screen flashes an image of a mugshot of a tall man with black hair, and a pointy beard, sporting various satanic tattoos.)<br><br>Head of Council:”This man is Ansem, he is a contract killer, he works for various factions. Very notorious in the Underworld, a legend.”<br><br>The Priest:”An abomination of man if there ever was one!!”<br><br>Head of Council:” He’s currently handling business for the Council, a defect of our own.”<br><br>(The image of a tiny Christmas elf comes into view, with big ears, and various socks worn around him)<br><br>Head of Council:”Dobby our spy for all things Jolly, has turned on us stealing money from our Christmas card companies and spending it on...........socks. He’s is attending this party.”<br><br>The Senator:”What’s this got to do with this Ansem fellow?”<br><br>Head of Council:”He is hired by a crimelord that I happen to have.....influence with, Dobby will be disposed of by Ansem’s hand.”<br><br>(The screen also flashed to the image of a burly heavyset man hoisting a gatling gun over his shoulder)<br><br>Head of Council:”This is Ansem’s close friend Pity. A war vet from Vietnam, mercenary gone mentally unstable. A once respectable soldier, lost to the horrors of war ,turned into a psychotic killing machine. He was recently released from the states finest institution, on good behavior.”<br><br>The General:”And how does this man play a part in taking out Deathkloc?”<br><br>Head of Council:”It doesn’t, I just thought it was............interesting, but you’ll have to excuse me. (Holds up a festive holiday tie covered in lights) I have a party to attend.”<br><br>{screen fades to black}<br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br><br> <br><br><br><br><br>(Meanwhile in a apartment complex in the city known as Montana Heights, the intertwining of incomprehensible plot takes place.)<br><br>(A burly suited man walks down the apartment hallway, stopping at door #666. He knocks on the door............The door opens.)<br><br>Suited Man:”Hey Ansem!”<br><br>(The door is shut quickly, the sound of a gun loading can be heard. Black Sabbath’s Hand of Doom plays in the background.)<br><br>Suited Man:”Fuck, now that’s no way to greet an old buddy (kicks open door.)”<br><br>(The interior of the room is seen, walls covered in blood, various inverted crosses mounted on the wall, and a very angry, sinister looking man with black hair, evil tattoos, and tall figure with an AK-47, gunfire fills the room.)<br><br>Suited Man:”(Ducking into a bathroom) Shit Ansem! It’s me! Pity!!”<br><br>Ansem:”I know!, (fires rounds into bathroom).”<br><br>Pity:”Hold your fire man!”<br><br>Ansem:”Can’t do that, you’re a nut! (Fires more rounds)”<br><br>Pity:”Shit, first you shoot at me, and now flattery? Haven’t changed have you?”<br><br>Ansem:”Fuck you. (Gun makes clicking noise).”<br><br>(Pity slowly pokes his head out the bathroom door.)<br><br>Pity:”Well, now that your outta ammo we can talk.”<br><br>(Ansem is nowhere to be seen, the sound of a clip being inserted into a gun is heard.)<br><br>Ansem:”Why should I? You were institutionalized.”<br><br>Pity:”Well, I was let out on good behavior.”<br><br>( 5 minutes of Silence, Ansem steps out of a bedroom, lowering his gun)<br><br> <br>Ansem:”Hard to believe, but what the hell. Good to see you man.”<br><br>Pity:”Same to you, one helluva greeting though! Oh, you had this on your door.”<br><br>(Pity hands Ansem a yellow slip of paper.)<br><br>Ansem:”Eviction notice? Well, guess I can’t say it was coming, as much time as I spend killing for a living, I do pay my bills, looks like I’m gonna have to kill someone over this shit.”<br><br>Pity:”So you’re a Hitman, seems to be a good profession for you.”<br><br>Ansem:”It’s a living I guess, So I’m guessing you’ll want a place to stay for Christmas right?”<br><br>Pity:”Kinda, it’s better than being locked in a padded room singing “Come all ye faithful” while in a straightjacket.....wait, that was fun actually.”<br><br>(A small knock on the door, a tall man with a bushy beard steps in.)<br><br>?????:”My word, what the bloody hell happened here!??!”<br><br>Pity”Who’s this guy?”<br><br>Ansem:”Aeris, my landlord. Mind telling me why I’m getting evicted?”<br><br>Aeris:”Hey, you didn’t pay your bills Ansem, I mean really living isn’t free ya know!”<br><br>Ansem:”............But I did send em in, damn postal service!!”<br><br>Pity:”Yeah, Damn them and their stamp licking cults!!!”<br><br>Aeris:”Well, I could let you have one more chance, just please, aim that gun some where else............please?”<br><br>(Ansem stands for a few moments, and throws the gun on the floor.)<br><br>Ansem:”Fine, but the what the hell do you want?”<br><br>Aeris:”Well, I was wondering what you were up to! Perhaps we can have a few beers for Christmas!”<br><br>Pity:”You drink? I don’t count Zima............”<br><br>Aeris:”Ouch, I only drink wine coolers, doesn’t that count?”<br><br>Pity:”..................(laughs) yeah man, sure does.”<br> <br>(Ansem lights a cigarette, blowing smoke from his nostrils, flipping an invitation in his hands.)<br><br>Ansem:”No can do Aeris, gotta party to attend to.”<br><br>Pity:”(reads invite) Damn, you were invited to the biggest X-mas party in existence?”<br><br>Ansem:”Strictly business.”<br><br>(Pity spots a picture of a Elf wearing socks on his ears)<br><br>Pity:”You gotta whack an Elf? Damn man, and I thought it was bad when I mauled Gary Coleman for trying to jump me in the mall. Showed that midget security guard what he was talkin bout..”<br><br>Aeris:”Killing on the most happiest day on the earth? Ansem, you should be ashamed.”<br><br>(Ansem points his gun at Aeris)<br><br>Aeris:”Then again........it pays the bills!!!”<br><br>Pity:”You know, I heard Deathkloc’s gonna perform there.”<br><br>Ansem:”Nice.”<br><br>Pity:”But the party’s so secret, you gotta reserve an invite via a time paradox, already had a guy try that once with a plastic bag, he...................ah, shit I dunno..............died......yeah.”<br><br>Ansem:”Regardless, gotta make this holiday a bloody one, getting paid good money for it......”<br><br>(Ansem looks up, listening intently. The sound of a speeding sports car is heard.)<br><br>Aeris:”Oh fuck me, please tell me it’s not him!”<br><br>Pity:”Who?”<br><br>(The sound of a radio blaring “Push it to the Limit” is heard.)<br><br>Aeris:”Oh fuck, Mr.Montana’s coming by to look at his apartments, Ansem! What are we gonna do?”<br><br>(Ansem steps out of a bedroom wearing a black trenchcoat and carrying a big duffle bag of guns.)<br><br>Ansem:”Do this, stay here......cmon Pity.”<br><br>Aeris:”The hell you mean stay here? I don’t want to be victim to a cocaine rage!!!”<br> <br>(Ansem and Pity make their way out of the apartment door)<br><br>Ansem:”Should’ve thought about that when you evicted my ass.”<br><br>(Ansem and Pity start down a flight of stairs, Aeris runs after them.)<br><br>{Meanwhile, a very pissed off Tony Montana makes his way into the apartment complex}<br><br>Tony:”Aeris!! You Horse!!! Where the fuck are you man!!”<br><br>(Tony looks are various parts of the complex, everything is fine, until Montana notices Ansem’s apartment, which looks like it’s been blown to bits.)<br><br>Tony:”The Fuck?! Muthafuckahs tearin a hole outta my wallet with shit like that!!” <br><br>(Montana makes his way towards an elevator, pulling a magnum out of his pants)<br><br>Tony:”Aeris you fuckin Horse!! We gonna go to war. WE GONNA GO TO WAR YOU HORSE!! (elevator door closes)”<br><br>(Ansem and co. make their way into the parking lot.)<br><br>Pity:”So Tony Montana owns this joint?”<br><br>Ansem:”Yup.”<br><br>Pity:”Same Montana that has cocaine rages on a daily basis over little things, taking out at least 20 of his own people via a M-16?”<br><br>Ansem:”Yup.”<br><br>Pity:”I gotta work with this guy, think we can talk to em?”<br><br>Ansem:”Not sticking around to see what mood he’s in, already know.”<br><br>Aeris:”This is bad, I’ve tried to keep this place in shape so he wouldn’t kill me!!”<br><br>Pity:”(Looks at Ansem) Tough luck with that huh?”<br><br>(Ansem looks at a white sports-car that’s cut on, and smiles, he gets in the car,)<br><br>Aeris:”Ansem............that’s Tony’s car.”<br><br>Ansem:”Yup.”<br><br> <br>Aeris:”.............Better not take it, why not a bus instead?”<br><br>Pity:”(gets in car) Don’t be a bitch, get in.”<br><br>(Aeris reluctantly gets in)<br><br>Aeris:”Wish I stayed in bed today............”<br><br>(Ansem changes the station, Motorhead’s Killed by Death plays in the background as they drive out into the sunset.)<br><br>{Meanwhile................}<br><br>(The A-team plots their next big job, getting into the biggest Christmas party ever. Of Course, not everyone is into party crashing.)<br><br>Mr.T:”Forget It Hannibal, I ain’t no party animal!”<br><br>Hannibal:”Now B.A. it’s the event of the year, we gotta get in.”<br><br>Mr.T:”Why? We ain’t gettin paid to break in you Foo!”<br><br>Face:”Well, we really have no place to go for Christmas B.A. this could be good for us you know, fine dining, women, entertainment, the women...........”<br><br>Mr.T:”Shuddup Foo! I don’t need no explanation from a con-man on what’s good for me suckah!!”<br><br>Murdoc:”Awww, Cmon B.A., Don’t you wanna get bitten by that ole Christmas spirit bug!?!”<br><br>(Mr.T Picks up Murdoc Choking him)<br><br>Mr.T:”There you go again with that Christmas Jibba Jabbah! Only gonna say dis once suckah, I ain’t into that ho ho ho, fa la la la la, jive talk. So if you don’t want me to deck yo halls wit my fist, I suggest you jingle someone elses bells Fool!”<br><br>(Hannibal and Face pull Mr.T off Murdoc.)<br><br>Hannibal:”Well B.A., think of all the rich n snooty folk that’ll be there.”<br><br>Mr.T:”What about em foo?”<br><br>Hannibal:”They’re loaded with money, cash that can go to a nice orphanage.”<br><br>Face:”Or some other needy group, say a band of mercenaries that makes very little money?”<br> <br>(Mr.T glares at Face, then turns to Hannibal)<br><br><br>Mr.T:”Alright foo, you talked me into it, but I better not catch any of dat foo’s (points at Murdoc) Christmas spirit!”<br><br>(The Team piles into the van.)<br><br>Murdoc:”Tis the season huh B.A.?”<br><br>Mr.T:”Shuddup foo!”<br><br>(The T Van drives off into the sunset.........)<br><br><br>{Meanwhile...................}<br><br>(Heavy breathing is heard, darkness is everywhere, a chiming beeping noise is heard.)<br><br>?????:”Snake, come in Snake! Snake are you there?”<br><br>(A loud grunt, and a yawn.)<br><br>Snake:”Wha? Cambell? What’s going on?!?!”<br><br>Cambell:”Glad to see your awake Snake, I’ve an assignment for you.” <br><br>Snake:”Cambell, where the hell am I?”<br><br>Cambell:”Thats not important right now, we’ve just received word that something big is going to happen!”<br><br>Snake:”That still doesn’t tell me where I am!”<br><br>Cambell:”Just recently, our intelligence officer reported that there is a massive gathering of people in a secret locale, quite possibly political figures, and big underworld names. We suspect there may be some plot to use nuclear devices to start W.W.III..........”<br><br>Snake:”Geez, it feels cramped in here.............”<br><br>Cambell:”{continues talking} We’re not sure, but we suspect that whoever is holding this gathering, is up to something...................big.”<br><br>Snake:”It feels like I’m in...............a box.......”<br><br> <br>Cambell:”Furthermore, before we lost contact with our Intelligence, which I’m sorry to say was found in the snow impaled with a candy cane, that this was to be the most brutal, totally awesome Christmas party ever, in existence.”<br><br>Snake:”I’m in a box aren’t I?”<br><br>Cambell:”Yes Snake, your in a box.”<br><br>Snake:”Well, what for?”<br><br>Cambell:”Erm...........Merry Christmas Snake, I got you a..........box!?!”<br><br>Snake:”{Sniffs} Aw, geez you got me what I always wanted!!!”<br><br>Cambell:”Yes...well, your welcome, anyways, this “Party” arouses my suspicions further, due to the fact that you have to be invited, and normally, my standing and rank should be enough to participate in such an event that I......”<br><br>Snake:”You weren’t invited were you?”<br><br>(5 minutes of silence...............)<br><br>Cambell:”No,..............I wasn’t.........................................................................”<br><br>Snake:”Well, why do you need me?”<br><br>Cambell:”Well, as I’ve said there are threats against the world in that party, you must get to the bottom of this gathering!”<br><br>Snake:”So you want me to crash the party?”<br><br>Cambell:”Wha? No.........it’s just that.....................I”<br><br>Snake:”Wasn’t invited?”<br><br>Cambell:”...............................................”<br><br>Snake:”Well, I mean, it’s rude to do something like that, if you spent more time mingling with people instead of stopping terrorist threats and calling me........ maybe you’d have more friends, I’m not into wrecking parties.”<br><br>Cambell:”Sigh....................There are ninjas at the party Snake.”<br><br>Snake:”(eye twitches) What......Ninjaaaaaaas?”<br><br> <br>Cambell:”Yes, evil, neo-nazi, crab sympathizing, tight spandex wearing................Ninjas........”<br><br>(A loud bump is heard over the Codec Conversation............followed by more akward silence with a loud yell of NINJA.)<br><br>Cambell:”Snake? You alright?”<br><br>Snake:”(breathing heavily.) Alright, I’m in, lets do this, NINJAAAA!!!!”<br><br>Cambell:”Good, Now, your going to be there soon, we’ve provided you a transport, you’ll take action as soon as you hear the really loud music.”<br><br>Snake:”Oh yeah, So I pop out and waste some ninjas right?”<br><br>Cambell:”Oh yes, everyone is a ninja, even if they don’t look it, everyone is...........a ninja, every....one.....is.....a....ninja.”<br><br>Snake:”This is gonna rock!!!”<br><br>Cambell:”Yes, it will, well your transport will start................now.”<br><br>(A sound of a truck fills the back ground, snake grunts as a loud thud of a box falling is heard, Cambell clicks off his codec.)<br><br>Cambell:”(Looking out a snowy window holding a glass of Egg Nog) That’ll teach those snooty commies not to invite me!!”<br><br>(Meanwhile back to Ansem.................)<br><br>(The car cruises down the highway, Ansem and co. make their way to the most brutal, totally awesome Christmas party ever.)<br><br>Aeris:”Oh man, once Tony figures out his car is missing, he’s gonna kill us.”<br><br>Pity:”Well, what’s he gonna do walk? Wait....then again, cocaine makes you do some weird ass shit............”<br><br>Ansem:”That’s true..............”<br><br>(Ansem looks in the rear view mirror, a black SUV blaring rap music is speeding up towards the car, hitting the back bumper.)<br><br>Ansem:”Fuck, who the hell?”<br><br>Pity:”Muthafuckah hit the car man!!!”<br> <br>Aeris:”Tony’s Car!! We’re Doomed! DOOMED I TELLS YA!!!”<br><br>(The SUV pulls along side the car, a window rolls down as a handgun blows the back tire out, the car skids to a halt.................The SUV stops in front of the car)<br><br>Ansem:”Great, lemme go say hi...”<br><br>(Ansem unzips the black duffle bag, pulling out a Mac-10, tossing Pity a Magnum, Aeris grabs a shotgun.)<br><br>Pity:”(looking at SUV) Who the fuck are these guys.”<br><br>(All the doors of the SUV open, a tall skinny white guy wearing extremely baggy pants, and other gangsta rapper apparel steps out, with two other guys dressed the same way approaches Ansem and co.)<br><br>????:”Look out guys, it’s a bunch of punk bitches!”<br><br>(The three start laughing in high pitched rich white guy laughs.)<br><br>Pity:”What the fuck you laughin at muthafuckah?”<br><br>????:”Say what? Oh I know you didn’t just diss the legendary K-fed and his Federation!!!”<br><br>Ansem:”............................man it’s just one of those days (Fires shots at the SUV, blowing it up.)”<br><br>K-fed:”AHHH!! I just bought that!!! That’s it! (Looks to one of his flunkies) Get em Jamie Kennedy!!!”<br><br>(Kennedy runs up to Pity stepping on his shoes)<br><br>Kennedy:”Ohhhhh! Whatchoo gonna do about dat?!”<br><br>(Pity smiles, jamming the Hand-cannon into Kennedy’s jaw blowing his head off, blood and gray matter hit the asphalt with a sickening thud.)<br><br>Pity:”That answer your question?”<br><br>(K-fed stands in horror, but quickly grins arrogantly turning to his final remaining comrade)<br><br>K-fed:”Show em what you got Vanilla Ice!!”<br><br>(Ansem and Pity look at each other, Aeris shakes his head.)<br><br> <br>Ansem:”(Unloads clip into Vanilla Ice.) Man, that’s sad, I mean, that guy was a fossil.”<br><br>Pity:”(looks at K-fed) What about this fuck?”<br><br>K-fed:”Naw you can’t! Cuz I got’s mad skilz!! (starts to break dance)”<br><br>(A loud shotgun blast is head............)<br><br>Aeris:”God that guy’s annoying!!”<br><br>Ansem:”Didn’t know you had it in you Aeris..........”<br><br>Pity:” Suprised the hell out of me, what made you do it?”<br><br>Aeris:”After listening to his music for 5 hours straight you tend to develop..............homicidal tendencies.......”<br><br>Pity:”I’ll say..........huh, what’s this?”<br><br>(Pity looks at a metal cooler that fell out of the SUV, labeled EXPERIMENTAL GOVERNMENT ISSUE EGG NOG.)<br><br>Ansem:”Huh, looks dangerous.”<br><br>(Pity opens the case, tossing Ansem and Aeris bottles)<br><br>Pity:”Well, can’t let go to waste.”<br><br>(The three start to drink, wobble a bit, and hit the asphalt with a loud thud.)<br><br>Ansem:”ugh, totally tripping out right about now..........................”<br><br>(Meanwhile at Montana Heights.............)<br><br>(A small car parks in the parking lot, two very short figures in suits step out and make there way into the apartments.........these are Keebler Elves, sent to kill Ansem.........)<br><br>Keebler Elf #1:”Alright, all we have to do is go in and kill the guy.”<br><br>Keebler Elf #2:”Right.”<br><br>(The two make their way to door 666, the door slowly opens, the Keebler elves rush in approaching the figure standing at the window.)<br><br>Keebler Elf #1:”Don’t move I got a Elfin Fudge Cookie and I’m not afraid to use it!!!”<br> <br>(The figure slowly turns around..............)<br><br>Tony:”What the fuck?!? Fuckin Keebler elves in my fuckin apartment building!!”<br><br>Keebler Elf #1:”Oh shit, Tony Montana!?!?! We’re so, so...........”<br><br>Keebler Elf #2:”Fudged!!”<br><br>(Tony fires his magnum in a furious rage, making a very big mess. The would be assassins hit the floor)<br><br>Tony:”Fuckin elves! Not gonna fuck with me, you fuckin cookie cookin hosas!!”<br><br>(Tony searches the bodies, and finds an invitation, he reads it, and starts to walk out the door.)<br><br>Tony:”Gonna go to this Horse’s party, gonna teach em not to fuck with Montana, FUCKING HORSE, GONNA DECK THE FUCKIN HALLS, YOU HEAR ME!!?”<br><br>(To Be Continued.......................Next X-mas.)<br>

My talent's for lying. For sticking the knife in when people least expect it. Then walking away with a smile and a wave before they even realise they're bleeding.
 
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