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Contest Winning Parody:Nerd Fiction
5-16-2007 8:28:35 AM
Ansem the Defiler

Join Date: 5-14-2007
Posts: 816
Location: Purgatory Heights Mental Asylum
Quote  #1

Foreword: From the creator.<br><br>I created this parody with the sole purpose of combining a great film with the pop-culture references used by nerds, I also wanted to show how some fanboys seem to overexert their emotions for a certain thing (i.e: DBZ nuts, and Full Metal Alchemist Fans) so if anyone of some sort of genre that was used in parody form is offended, then good. I only say that because if you get so worked up over one linear comment about some cartoon character getting beat up by another, and go to lengths of typing a Thesis on why that character is the best, then you should take a 357 magnum, and shoot yourself in the head, no seriously, do it. Although it may seem that I copied and pasted the original Pulp Fiction and just switched things around, then your wrong, I had to stay true to the nature of the movie, which means I couldn’t take out Jules and Vince, its not cool without them, and sure, some scenes are from the movie, you see that instead of dealing with druggies, they deal with Nerds, people who aren’t prepared to deal with two hitmen that kill people for a living, and besides, some scenes like Comic Convention Calamity (AKA:Mia’s Overdose) is a plethora of random nerds and fanboys about to rip each others heads off over small things, such as “that guy is wearing a dress” and “ITS NOT A FUCKING APRON!!!” (I.E Full metal Alchemist fans). But if any fanboy was to get upset over this parody, then I’ve done at least one good thing in my life that didn’t involve beating up homeless people (hey, what are they doing with their lives?). The point is, is that Pulp Fiction was a very popular movie, and still is, a parody based on it was bound to happen, and besides, who doesn’t want to see D and D (Dungeons and Dragons) players get shot up by Jules and Vince? Okay, not many hands raised I see.............but I created this parody for two reasons, to make a kickass parody about Nerds and Fanboys in a crime movie setting, and what would happen if Tarentino and I were to toss back a few and create a screenplay, well besides a hangover and waking up with an empty wallet, you get the picture.<br><br>So without further delay, here’s my parody: Nerd Fiction<br>-Ansem the Defiler.<br><br>PS: I hope I piss a lot of you Gamefaq fanboys off, really, stop complaining between a lame ass topic about whether or not Superman could take Goku, your only giving each other the heart problems, then again.........................continue ranting and raving.<br><br><br>Nerd Fiction<br><br>Nerd- One who is highly intelligent, collector of various objects, (i.e Comic Books, etc.)<br>Still lives with his mother.<br><br>Fiction- literature, especially novels, describing imaginary events and people.<br><br><br><br><br>Intro<br><br>(The sounds of people talking is heard, the setting is a diner in South-Central L.A.)<br><br><br>DBZ fanboy 1:”you know, im so sick of these fuggin idiots that say DBZ isnt the hard core!!!”<br><br>(This booth is filled with 3 people all are dbz fanboys)<br><br>Dbz fanboy 2:”yeah, did ya hear x-play gave dbz sagas a 1 out of 5?”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 3:” no way!! OMFG!!! fucking bastards!!”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”look, heres how it goes for people like us, we are the low class, everyone hates dragonball z, hell even the fucking Fullmetal Alchemist fans get more respect than us!!”<br><br>(Dbz fanboys gasp)<br><br>Fanboy 1:” I mean, these n00bs know nothing about the true power of a dbz fan!!! hell I could spirit bomb this diner if I wanted to!!”<br><br>Fanboys:” DEATH TO TEH N00BS!!!”<br><br>Fanboy 1:” I mean hear lately every convention we’ve gone to we’ve made a massacre out of it!”<br><br>Fanboy 2:”so many super sayian asskickins we handed!!”<br><br>Fanboy 3:” yeah!!! we ARE R0x0rs!!!”<br><br>Fanboy 1:” but we lost Clark-San in the last convention, pw3nd by a Inyuasha fan.”<br><br>Fanboys:”woe to our fallen Z warrior!!!1111!<br><br><br> <br>Fanboy 1:” but, I’ve done some thinkin, why don’t we screw the n00b fest conventions and show our power to these fools!!” <br><br>Fanboys:”but how?!!?”<br><br>Fanboy 1:”(slams a gun down on the table)right here, right now, we rob this n00b diner with our Z powers!!, and show the world that we are the L33T!!!<br><br>Fanboys (pull out small guns) YEAH!!!”<br><br>Fanboys:”Alright, you guys got crowd control, I’ll handle the n00bs!!”<br><br>(Fanboys jump out of booth cupping their hands in kamahamaha stances, one does a final flash stance,)<br><br>Fanboy 1:” WOE AND BEHOLD MORTALS!!! PUT YA MUTHAFUCKIN HANDS UP OR I’LL BLAST YAH!!!!”<br><br>(Screen fades to black, NERD FICTION)<br><br><br>Chapter 1:Basement Blues<br><br>(Somewhere near the suburbs in L.A. 2 pipe hittin niggas make their way to their destination, via car)<br><br>(A afro headed black man drives the car, he sports a snazzy black suit, this man is Jules Winfield)<br><br>Jules:”so tell me again about the hash marts in Europe?”<br><br>(The man on the passenger side has semi long black hair, and a black suit, this is Vincent Vega)<br><br>Vince:” well in Europe, you can buy hash, its not illegal, but you cant just walk up in Burger King and start puffin a joint in public, you gotta go to a hash proprietors shop, or a legal hash park, and get this, if they pull you over in Europe, they cant search, thats the one right they don’t have.”<br><br>Jules:” shit, im goin man, im goin.” <br><br>Vince:”man, you know what I did the other day?”<br><br>Jules:”what?”<br><br>Vince:”I went through some of my old junk, and found some comics.”<br><br>Jules:”sounds like a bit of nostalgia to me brudda, so what comics? Superman, Batman, Fantastic 4?”<br><br>Vince:”nah, I could never get into the serious shit, im a sucker for funny comics, you know Garfield, Peanuts, the old shit.”<br><br>Jules:”man, I used to be hooked on batman, baddest muthafuckah around.”<br><br>Vince:”Batman? You mean that crazy rich guy that runs around in a mask?”<br><br>Jules:” hey man, don’t diss it, dude was a bad muthafuckah, I mean to bust up crooks and mobsters with bare fistacuffs, shit that was awesome, no laser eyes or nuthin!” <br><br>(Car stops in front of a house, Jules and Vince step out)<br><br>Vince:” so whats the name of Big Mans wife again?”<br><br> <br>Jules:” Mia”<br><br>Vince:”Mia, nice name, how did Big Man meet this girl?”<br><br>Jules:”ah, she was in Television.”<br><br>Vince:”porn? Adult Movies?”<br><br>Jules:” nah, she worked in voice acting for Anime, shes into cartoons and all that jazz.”<br><br>Vince:”Anime?”<br><br>Jules:”what, you ever watch cartoons?”<br><br>Vince:”I don’t watch tv.”<br><br>Jules:”yeah, but your aware there’s an invention called the TV right?”<br><br>Vince:”yeah, yeah, Big man must love her eh?”<br><br>Jules:”don’t even know the half of it do ya?”<br><br>Vince:” half of what?<br><br>(Both continue walking up a driveway)<br><br>Jules:” You remember ole Chris Gilley, tall skinny guy, AKA: Bone Daddy?”<br><br>Vince:” you mean the guy who looks like he starves em self?”<br><br>Jules:”hey, the dude has a high metabolism prob, whats the nigga gonna do?”<br><br>Vince:” yeah, what about em?”<br><br>Jules:”well word around the campfire is that Big Man threw his ass out a window.”<br><br>Vince:”Damn, what he do, fuck her?”<br><br>Jules:”nah, nuthin that serious, just Cosplayed with her.”<br><br>Vince:”you mean dress up?”<br><br>Jules:”yeah, word has it, that Big Man went over to Bone’s place, roughed his ass up,threw his ass off a balcony nigga fell 4 stories, you know those gardens with the closed in glass area?”<br><br> <br>Vince:”yeah”<br><br>Jules:”nigga fell through that, and landed in a pile of cactus plants to boot, since then he kinda developed a speech impediment, and a fear for spiked objects.”<br><br>Vince:” thats a damn shame.”<br><br>(Both continue walking now on a sidewalk leading to the house)<br><br>Vince:”well I gotta say, if you fuck with matches your gonna burn.”<br><br>Jules:”meaning?”<br><br>Vince:”That you cosplay with Big Mans new bride, you don’t do it, its as bad as eating her pussy out.”<br><br>Jules:”whoa, playing dress up with the girl and doing the holiest of the holes is two different things, it doesn’t seem reasonable to just throw somebody off a fuckin building for playing dress-up, I mean fuck, nigga do that to me he better paralyze my ass, cuz I’ll kill the muthafuckah.”<br><br>Vince:”(grins) so you’d play dress-up?”<br><br>Jules:”fuck you.”<br><br>Vince:”cmon, you’d look hilarious in a chicken suit.”<br><br>Jules:”yo man, you better cut that shit out, im gettin pissed off.”<br><br>(They finally arrive at a door)<br><br>Jules:”alright, lets get into character.”<br><br>Vince:”right.”<br><br>Jules:” by the way, why you so concerned about the Big Mans wife?”<br><br>Vince:”ah he asked me to take care of her for em.”<br><br>Jules:”take care of her? (makes gun with fingers).”<br><br>Vince:”no, no, take her out, show her a good time.”<br><br>Jules:”sounds like a date.”<br><br>Vince:” (scoffs) It’s not a date, definitely not a date.”<br> <br>(Jules rings the doorbell, the door swings open, a hooded guy with pointy ears appears with a look of fright on his face)<br><br>????:”AHHHH!!!”<br><br>Jules:”show us where the rest of them are (gives him a mean stare)”<br><br>(Moments later, they arrive at a door, the hooded guy opens, rushing down, falling headfirst into a basement. Looks like a group of People that wondered away from the med-evil ages fair wondered into this house)<br><br>Hooded Guy:”omigod!! Stan!! STANN!!!!”<br><br>(Jules and Vince step into the basement a plethora of game/comic stuff clutter the room, posters of half naked female androids litter the walls, a common dwelling place for a middle aged man of his 40's to live in his moms own house. a group of guys are sitting at a round table, a huge fat guy wearing a viking helmet, and a angry expression on his face stands up.)<br><br>??????:”Curse you foul lvl 3 peasant!! Im Gragthork the lvl 50 Barbarian, armed with the sword of UlTiMaTE P0wAh!!1111111<br><br>Hooded guy:”Stan, look! (Points to Jules and Vince)”<br><br>Gragthork(Stan):”what!! Who dares to trespass in my lair of secrecy!!”<br><br>(Stans face turns a rather nasty shade of purple)<br><br>Jules:”hiya boys, looks like I caught you guys at a bad time, or rather, breakfast, what are you having?”<br><br>(Vince stands in a corner, rolling a smoke)<br><br>(None of the guys say anything, one drops a pewter dragon figurine)<br><br>Jules:”looks like everything, (various foods litter the table, Jules spots a blue hamburger box in the middle of the table) Hamburgers! Cornerstone of any mans breakfast, you mind?”<br><br>Gragthork:” nooo!!! do not touch!! It is a limited edition superman bar and grill burger, its value is priceless!!”<br><br>Jules:”(picks up burger) Didnt think so, (eats burger)”<br><br>Gragthork:”............(gasps in horror) but.....you.....you.......!!!”<br><br>Jules:”that hit the spot.”<br> <br>(Jules walks over to the hooded guy from before)<br><br>Jules:”Alright, Bilbo Baggins (pulls back coat revealing a 9 mm handgun) why don’t you tell us where the case is and we can be on our way.”<br><br>Gragthork:”You cant have it!! There is a protective barrier in my lair you fool!1111!!!!”<br><br>(Stan rises up to protest, Jules motions a hand for him to sit down)<br><br>Random D and D fan:” look, we fucked up, we were gonna paint it to look like kryptonite, we had the best intentions in mind!!”<br><br>(Jules smiles, and tilts the gun sideways at the D and D guy, firing a round of hot lead into him)<br><br>Gragthork:..............!!!!!!, blood all over my D and D rules!! Why!?!?!”<br><br>Jules:”Oh, im sorry, did I break your concentration?, please, continue.”<br><br>(Silence fills the room, no one says a word, Vince continues to puff away.)<br><br>Gragthork:”.........................................”<br><br>Jules:” oh, you were finished? Well allow me to retort, you said something about best intentions, and spray painting something?”<br><br>Random D and D fan 2:”the case is over by the orc statue.”<br><br>Jules:”I DIDN’T ASK YOU A GODDAMN THING!”<br><br>(Vince goes over to the statue and picks up the case.)<br><br>Vince:”(opens case, gold light spills from case, he takes a long drag, smoke flows from his nostrils) damn, you tried to paint this?”<br><br>Jules:”now, you boys remember you business partner Mr. T right?”<br><br>(All the remaining guys nod their heads)<br><br>Jules:” Good, (walks over to stan) describe what Mr.T looks like.”<br><br>Gragthork:”WHAT?!!!”<br><br>(Jules flips over the table, the remaining D and D fanboys are crushed by its weight)<br><br>Jules:”What country you from?”<br> <br>Gragthork:”What?”<br><br>Jules:” ENGLISH MUTHAFUCKAH DO YOU SPEAK IT?!!”<br><br>Gragthork:” I speak 7 forms of Klingon, and Elvish tongues you peon!”<br><br>(Jules points gun at Stan)<br><br>Jules:”oh really? So you should know what im sayin then right?”<br><br>Gragthork:”yes!”<br><br>Jules:”Describe what Mr.T looks like!!”<br><br>Gragthork:”What?!!”<br><br>Jules:”SAY WHAT AGAIN, SAY WHAT AGAIN, I DARE YOU MUTHAFUCKAH SAY WHAT ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!!”<br><br>Gragthork:”he’s black!”<br><br>Jules:”go on!”<br><br>Gragthork:”he has a funny haircut!”<br><br>Jules:” Does he look like a bitch?”<br><br>Gragthork:”WHAT?”<br><br>(Jules fires a round, bullet hits Stans arm)<br><br>Jules:”DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH!?!?!”<br><br>Gragthork:”NO!!! IM LOSING HIT POINTS!!! I NEED A CLERIC, LVL 40 IF ALL POSSIBLE ARGGHHHH!!!.”<br><br>Jules:”Then why did ya try to fuck em like one, yes you did, you tried to fuck him like a bitch! Well Mr.T doesn’t like to be fucked by anyone besides his Wife.”<br><br>(Vince moves in, and pulls out his gun)<br><br>Jules:”you read comics Stan?”<br><br>Gragthork:”YES!! (still writhing in pain)”<br><br> <br>Jules:”well there’s this quote , from A comic I read, HellBlazer, “Knack, I daresay I call it an art form,” and do you know what kind of knack I’ve developed Stan?”<br><br>Gragthork:”nno!! God im dying, I need a life potion!!!1111(clasps something in his hand)<br><br>Jules:”Killing people that try to fuck my Boss!”<br><br>(Vince and Jules Fire rounds into Stan, he screams in agony, as he hits the floor....)<br><br>Stan:”(hand unclasps, a numbered die hits the floor) Saving, roll........................”<br><br>(The dice roll results in a 0)<br><br>Stan:”......................blergh........(dies)”<br><br>(Screen Fades to Black)<br><br><br><br><br>Chapter 2:Comic Convention Calamity<br><br>(A bar comes into view, two men are sitting at a table, a neon sign flashes LIVE NUDES overhead)<br><br>Mr.T:”you see, people like you, start off well, but towards the end, fade out in time.”<br><br>(This is Big Man, Leader of a huge crime organization, across from him sits a tall dark haired guy, with glasses, this is....................)<br><br>Mr.T:”Mr.Edwards, no, Steve, how many more years, you think your work on comics is gonna last?”<br><br>Steve:”...............................”<br><br>Mr.T:”In terms of greatness, yeah. Its gonna last a long time, like a brick of gold suckah!.”<br><br>Steve:”.....................................”<br><br>Mr.T:” but in terms of age, its like sour milk, it gets worse by the minute, but I can fix that, you can bring back my old comic I was appearing in.”<br><br>Steve:”I, I can?”<br><br>Mr.T:”yeah fool, im sure that the industry your workin for wouldn’t like it, but hey, (pulls out an envelop, green bills can be seen inside) I can take care of ya.”<br><br>(Steve reaches out to grab the envelope, mr.T keeps a firm grip on it)<br><br>Mr.T:”you my nigga?”<br><br>Steve:”seems so.....”<br><br>Mr.T:”good, now when you cancel your other projects you may fill a sting, that’s pride, fuckin with ya, Fuck, pride, bringing back that comic is worth more than you’ve made in your lifetime.”<br><br>Steve:”........................................”<br><br>Mr.T:” I can see it now, you hanging in the hammocks in the Bahamas, chillin with a glass of milk, sayin, “Mr.T, how could I done it without you?”<br><br>Steve:”right...............”<br><br>Mr.T:”you finish it by tomorrow suckah, deal?”<br><br> <br>Steve:”Deal.”<br><br><br>(A knock on the door of the bar, a black man with a semi afro opens it)<br><br>Bartender:”Vincent Vega our man in Orange Grove!, Jules Winfield, our man in Inglewood! Come on in!!”<br><br>(Jules and Vince walk in, both wearing clothes that made them look like they fought off a gang of volleyball players)<br><br>Bartender:”Damn nigga! What the hell you wearin?”<br><br>Jules:”I don’t even wanna talk about it.”<br><br>(Both approach the bar, bartender gets Jules and Vince drinks)<br><br>Bartender:”how ya been?”<br><br>Vince:”fine, I guess”<br><br>Bartender:”good, heard you taking Mia out tonight?”<br><br>(Vince looks at Jules, Jules tries not to grin)<br><br>Vince:”at The Big Mans Request.”<br><br>Bartender:” You met her yet?”<br><br>Vince:”No.”<br><br>(Jules and the bartender bust out in laughter)<br><br>Vince:”Whats so funny?”<br><br>Jules:”I gotta take a piss (walks away laughing)”<br><br>(Steve walks up to the bar, Vince stares at Steve)<br><br>Steve:”shot of Jack Daniels, on the rocks.”<br><br>(Steve looks at Vince)<br><br>Steve:”got a problem?”<br><br> <br>Vince:”no, don’t suppose you want to make one do you?<br><br>(Both continue to stare)<br><br>Mr.T:”Vincent Vega in the house? Suckah!! Get ya ass over here!!!”<br><br>(Steve watches as the two shake hands and start talking)<br><br>Bartender:”Jack, on the rocks., $1.50.”<br><br>Steve:”(pays bartender and drinks shot) Thanks.”<br><br>(Steve walks out of the bar)<br><br>{South-Central L.A., The Boondocks, AKA:”The Sellers Market” home to many a stoner. A house comes into view, a car pulls into the driveway, Inside two women commune.)<br><br>Irish Sounding Chick:” so what your saying, is that, your turning every part of your body into a human canvas?”<br><br>(The chick sitting across from the Irish chick is covered in various tattoos, all from sort of age old cartoon)<br><br>Tattooed Chick:” yeah, I’ve got a tat of Betty Boop on my ass, a tat of Yoda on my back, and The Stargate near the opening of my clit.”<br><br>(Vince is sitting with these two, he takes a long drag off a cigarette)<br><br>Vince:”Why one near your clit?”<br><br>Tattooed Chick:”Sexual Thing.”<br><br>(A door opens behind Vince, a guy in a robe comes out, he has Jesus style hair, and a scraggly beard., this is Lance, he runs The Sellers market, selling the finest in drugs)<br><br>Lance:” Vega, in my office.”<br><br>(Vince and Lance stand in a room various comics and toys litter the room, along with various smoking equipment, on the bed there are 3 packets of powder like substances)<br><br>Lance:”The first one is Gold Shroomdust, straight from the Mushroom Kingdom, its got a kick but its weak, thats 1 grand. side effects may include a lot of hopping around busting crates open for coins, The second bag is Ground Choco Greens, 1500 G’s, this stuff is a lil more potent than most, but shoot this shit, and you’ll be flying, just try not to ram your head into the ground searching for treasure, and last but not least we have Valkyr, this is heavy shit, its untested, but from what I heard you zone out for about few hours, at least you’ll be able to watch Thundercats and be able to appreciate how this stuff can make old cartoons look kickass, its 3000 G’s but trust me, you’ll know where your money went.”<br><br>Vince:”so who’s this guy? (looks up at a huge portrait on the wall, it’s a picture of a stoner, wearing a ragged t-shirt and ragged blue jeans, the background is a green, emerald like trippy light effect, every time Vince looked at he seemed to become lightheaded, the Jade green bar at the bottom read the words, THE TRUTH.) A relative of yours?”<br><br>Lance:”Ah yeah, thats my uncle THE TRUTH, he’s the man that started all this drug biz stuff ya know?”<br><br>Vince:”really?”<br><br>Lance:”yeah, he’s considered the black sheep of the family.”<br><br>Vince:”And whys that?”<br><br>Lance:”When he’s high, he says he communes with some demigod on another plane of existence, something about the Emerald Dream, He also claims to own a Russian Toaster that speaks Japanese, thats where I got the Valkyr, from my uncle.”<br><br>Vince:”Alright, I’ll take the third bag, shit sounds pretty good.”<br><br>Lance:”Great, (starts to put powder in a baggie) so you get your Malibu out of the shop yet?”<br><br>Vince:”Aw man, you know what some fucker did to it?<br><br>Lance:”what?”<br><br>Vince:”They fuckin keyed my car and spelt Pwn3d on the side.”<br><br>Lance:”Damn, Fuckin l33T speakers going nuts these days eh?”<br><br>Vince:”I just wish I could catch the motherfucker, just to see his ass doing it.”<br><br>Lance:”No trial, straight to execution.”<br><br>Vince:”Damn right, (hands Lance a huge wad of bills) Mind if I shoot here?<br><br> <br>Lance:”Sure thing.”<br><br>1 hour later<br><br>(Vince is driving down the road, the drugs were starting to kick in.)<br><br>Vince:”damn, everything is going, Greennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.”<br><br>(Vince starts to see things, his car sprouts bird wings, and flys into the air. The back is filled with the music of “Magic Carpet Ride” (trippy stoner song) as a Lead Zeppelin floats by.)<br><br>Vince:”.what.............the..............fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk.?!!”<br><br>(Vince continues to trip out on the drugs, a small bird appears on his shoulder)<br><br>Bird:”PLAY FREEBIRD!!!!!!!!!”<br><br>Vince:” (daffy duck voice) IM DYIN!!!!!!!!!!”<br><br>(30 Jim Morrison acid trip minutes later)<br><br>(Vince arrives at a house, this is one of Big Man’s many homes)<br><br>Vince:”damn, last time I do that while driving....”<br><br>(Vince walks up the sidewalk, a flower starts talking to him)<br><br>Flower:”you gotta free your mind, you cant be walkin just anywhere mannnnnnnnn, you gotta warp your senses on the emerald dreammmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..”<br><br>Vince:”ugh, just stop already.”<br><br>(Vince arrives at a door, a note is attached to it)<br><br>Dear Vincent.<br>Im inside getting ready, come on in and make yourself a drink.<br>-Mia<br><br>(Vince enters the room, he heads over to the bar to fix a drink, but avoids it, seeing that he was still seeing a lil bit more green than usual, that and a tiny bird kept on screaming PLAY FREEBIRD!! He decided against it, Lance wasnt kidding, this shit was strong)<br><br>(Footsteps are heard, Vince turns around)<br><br>????:”Lets go.”<br> <br>Moments later.................<br><br>(Vince parks his car, a woman in the passenger side gets out, short dark hair, nice figure, this was Big Man’s wife, and Vince was a little more nervous than ever.)<br><br>Vince:”What the fuck is this place?”<br><br>Mia:” This is the 100th annual comic convention, I’ve been waiting ages to go!!”<br><br>Vince:”..........................ugh, cant we go somewherelse?”<br><br>Mia:”(gives Vince a sly grin) Nope!”<br><br>(Vince and Mia enter the convention area, various cosplayers and nerds alike all in the same area, Vince however was trying not to stare at Mia, its bad enough Jules had to tell him about Big Man throwing someone out of a window over this girl, he had to play it cool.)<br><br>Vince:”...........man, its freaky in here.”<br><br>Mia:”hahahahah, not used to being around these kind of people are ya big guy?”<br><br>Vince:”no, not really (looks at a couple of nerds duking it out with plastic swords)”<br><br>(The continue to walk, stopping every now and then to buy various stuff, Vince carried the bags of course, I mean, he was a little paranoid, seeing himself thrown out a window isnt a nice thought to dwell on.)<br><br>Mia:”lets take a break, (points over to a rest area)”<br><br>(Vince and Mia sit down)<br><br>Mia:”Why are you so uptight Vince?”<br><br>Vince:”ah, erm, just looking out for your, best interests I suppose.”<br><br>Mia:”hahahah, you act like your scared of me or something, or what would happen to you if something happened to me?”<br><br>Vince:”(rolling a smoke) yeah, something like that.”<br><br>Mia:”mind rolling me one of those?”<br><br>Vince:”(hands Mia the Smoke) so I heard you were in the Cartooning business.”<br><br>Mia:”yeah, I used to do voice acting for Anime, but it wasn’t much money.”<br> <br>Vince:”I see, I um, wanted to ask you something too, but ah.....”<br><br>(This is the point where Vince was hesitant to say what was on his mind, the image of himself being tossed out a window played over and over.)<br><br>Mia:”what? Go ahead, don’t be shy.”<br><br>Vince:”(lets a stream of smoke exit his nostrils) alright, I heard Big Man is very protective of you.”<br><br>Mia:”yeah, your point being?”<br><br>Vince:” well, Word around the campfire is that Big Man threw someone out a window over you.”<br><br>Mia:”Really? And what for I might ask, did it involve the F word?”<br><br>Vince:”Nah, You know em, Chris Gilley, he was thrown out a window for playing dress-up with you.”<br><br>Mia:”Thats.......what you heard?, you believe that my T would throw someone out a window, just for playing dress up?”<br><br>Vince:”well, I mean he is protective of you............”<br><br>Mia:”A man being protective of his wife is one thing, almost killing him is a different story, when you and the other guys talk, your worse than a Messageboard full of rumors. Now the only thing Chris ever did with me was drive me around town, nothing more, nothing less. Nobody knows why T threw Chris out that window except T and Chris.”<br><br>Vince:”(lets out a sigh of relief) phew, damn that eases a lot of stress, I’ll be back (takes off jacket) I gotta take a piss.”<br><br>(Vince walks off to the bathrooms)<br><br>(Mia however, explores Vince’s coat pockets, finding the baggie of Valkry.)<br><br>Mia:”Hello.....(begins to snort, Mia falls back in her chair,) Fuck...Fuck....Fuck.....Fuck!!!”<br><br>(Mia begins to speak in weird tongues, people begin to notice)<br><br>Meanwhile in the bathrooms..................<br><br>Vince:”(talking to himself in the mirror) Its almost over, all I gotta do is take her home, then I can take it easy for a bit, jerk off, and go to bed, simple as that.”<br><br> <br>(A weird looking guy approaches Mia, clutching a piece of paper)<br><br>Mia:”Fifth Element, Purple Rain, Wheeeeeeeeeeee........ (continues tripping out)”<br><br>Weird Looking Guy:”I wrote you a poem, my fairest lady (struggles not to look at Mia’s chest) Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, All my Base are belong to you.”<br><br>(Mia continues to trip out on Valkry, )<br><br>Vince:”(still talking to himself in the mirror) I mean, this is test of ones true loyalty, I can do it, I can keep my hands clean of any problem so far, I can avoid being thrown out a window”<br><br>(The weird looking guy walks off, Two groups stand between Mia, one being a group of DBZ nerds, the other being FullMetal Alchemist fans.)<br><br>Random DBZ fanboy:”She looks like Bulma, you stupid n00b!!”<br><br>Random FMA Fanboy:”nuh uh!! She looks like a Full Metal Alchemist fan!! I can see it in her eyes!!111111!!!”<br><br>(Mia begins to foam at the mouth)<br><br>Random DBZ fanboy:” But she looks like Bulma! Therefore she is, you have been Pw3nd you N00b!!”<br><br>Random FMA fanboy:” Whats so great about over aged men with wacko hairstyles fighting? Oh wait nuthing!!!11111<br><br>Random DBZ fanboy:”oh no you didn’t!!!! at least our show doesnt have a suit of armor that wears an apron!!”<br><br>(Vince steps out of the bathroom, to find A crowd of people around Mia)<br><br>Vince:”What the fuck!?!”<br><br>(The fanboys continue to argue, Mia’s condition worsens)<br><br>Random FMA fanboy:”ITS NOT A FUCKING APRON!!!”<br><br>Random DBZ fanboy:”is so, you n00b!”<br><br>(Vince Grabs Mia, and runs)<br><br>FMA/DBZ fanboys:”HEY GET BACK HERE!!!”<br><br> <br>(Vince continues to run faster, he had to make it to the exit)<br><br>Vince:”Oh fuck, Fuck, Fuck, FUCK!!!”<br><br>(Fanboys catch up with Vince)<br><br>Random DBZ fanboy:”we got you now, no thanks to the apron wearing losers!!”<br><br>Random FMA fanboy:”ITS NOT A FUCKING APRON!!!”<br><br>Random DBZ fanboy:”is so!”<br><br>Random FMA fanboy:”ITS NOT AN APRON!!!”<br><br>Random Star Wars nerd;”YOU SUCK!!”<br><br>Ranbom FMA fanboy:”WHERE THE HELL DID YOU COME FROM!?!?!”<br><br>Vince:” Shit!! (Vince had to think fast.............he needed some sort of miracle)”<br><br>(Loud Trumpet music echos throughout the area, a short dwarf like figure can be seen, standing in odd shining light)<br><br>Vince:”what...................the.........hell..............”<br><br>???????:TIMES UP LETS DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!”<br><br>(Figure runs at unrealistic speed, stopping, what is seen is a bomb strapped to his chest.)<br><br>Vince:”FUCK!! (runs to the exit)<br><br>???????:”LEROYYYYYYYYYYYYYY JENKKKKKKKKKKKKKINSSSS!!”<br><br>Fanyboys:”OMFG!!WE IS PW3NDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!”<br><br>(Vince made it to the car, he had to get Mia back to Lance’s House)<br><br>Vince:”Hang in there Mia, Don’t fuckin die on me!!”<br><br>(The convention center explodes in unrealistic flames, Vince drives like a maniac into the night, dialing numbers on a cell phone)<br><br>Vince:”(phone continues to ring) FUCK YOU LANCE, ANSWER!!!”<br><br><br> <br>Meanwhile..........................back at Lance’s house.<br><br>(Smoke hangs in the air, Lance is eating a bowl of cereal, watching some old cartoon, the Irish chick takes a hit off a bong pipe, the phone continues to ring, Lance’s girlfriend screams in anger.)<br><br>Lance’s GF:”I THOUGHT YOU TOLD THOSE FUCKERS NOT TO CALL!!!”<br><br>Lance:”I did, and its exactly what im gonna tell this wise-ass, (picks up phone) WHAT?”<br><br>Vince:”Lance, its Vince, im coming over to your place.”<br><br>Lance:”why?”<br><br>Vince:”I got this chick, she’s dying on me!”<br><br>Lance:”Shes O.D-ing?”<br><br>Vince:”YES SHE’S FUCKING O.D-ing!!!”<br><br>Lance:”Well, I suggest you bite the bullet, and call a lawyer my friend.”<br><br>Vince:”Screw that!!”<br><br>Lance:”Well...wait are you on a cell phone? I don’t know you, PRANK CALLER, PRANK CALLER!!!”<br><br>(Lance puts the phone down on the hook, shortly after that a loud crash is heard, Vince crashed into the porch of Lance’s house)<br><br>Lance:”WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?!?!”<br><br>Vince:”We gotta get her inside!!”<br><br>Lance:”no way, you not bringing some fucked up bitch in my house, you fucked her up, you deal with it!!”<br><br>Vince:”This fucked up bitch is Mr.T’s wife! Do you know who he is?”<br><br>Lance:”Yes!”<br><br>Vince:”Then if we both want to stay alive we gotta save her, now come on!!”<br><br>(Vince and Lance carry Mia inside, Lance’s GF isn’t in the brightest of moods)<br><br> <br>L’s GF:”what the fuck is going on?”<br><br>Vince:”Shes O.D-ing!!”<br><br>L’s GF:”GET HER THE FUCK OUTTA HERE THEN!!”<br><br>Lance:”Go get the black box out of my room!!”<br><br>(L’s GF runs into the other room, returning with a black box)<br><br>Vince:”What the hell is this!!”<br><br>Lance:”It’s the only way to get her ass out of the Over Dose.”<br><br>(The Box Reads DO NOT OPEN UNLESS EMERGENCY OR COMIC RELIEF)<br><br>Lance:”Brace yourself, on the count of three, 1, 2, 3!!! (opens box)”<br><br>(A huge cloud of smoke spews into the house, revealing a tall afro headed figure.)<br><br>Nabeshin:”SOMEBODY CALL FOR A NABE COMIC RELIEF?”<br><br>(This new sight struck Vince stupid, who this was, he knew not.)<br><br>Lance:”ummmm, she’s O.D-ing (points to Mia)”<br><br>Nabeshin:”OHO!! TIME TO NABE-CPR!!! PUCKER UP BABY!!!”<br><br>(Nabeshin performs, his CPR, Mia wakes up, and sees Nabeshin, she freaks.)<br><br>Mia:”AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”<br><br>Nabeshin:”TIME TO NABE LEAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! (throws a rope out of his fro, jumping through the roof.)”<br><br>Lance:”um.................say something.............”<br><br>Mia:”ugh.............that was so..............disgusting.”<br><br>(Vince slumps to the floor in a heap)<br><br>Lance’s GF:”That was fuckin trippy man.”<br><br>(Screen fades to black)<br><br> <br><br>Chapter 3: The De-Coder Ring.<br><br>(The setting is a small home in the past, a small child is busy watching some old cartoon, A woman and a man walk into the living room)<br><br>Steves Mom:”Steve, Steve, stop watching T.V. for a few minutes.”<br><br>(The kid turns off the T.V., looking at his mother, and the man next to her. The man looks haggard, he wears an eye patch and various scars on his face.)<br><br>Steves Mom:”you remember I told you your father died in a fatal accident? This is his friend, Snake, he wants to talk to you.”<br><br>(Snake leans forward to speak)<br><br>Snake:”man, you look just like your dad, me and your father go way back, we used to do all sorts of things, killing ninjas, and CraBS!! (eye twitches a bit)”<br><br>(Steve Stares in confusion)<br><br>Snake:”You see your fathers accident was a kind of conspiracy, a conspiracy that involved Nazi Ninjas, and some link to the cold war....I dunno, too many rations to the brain for me, but anywho, your father had a special keepsake, a (pulls out a green ring) a De-Coder Ring!!!!”<br><br>(Steve continues to stare)<br><br>Snake:”It all started that fateful day, at the crazed military buffs convention, you father was busy trying to buy some fatigues, I can remember the pain he went through, a couple of Neo Nazi Ninjas ambushed him, and tortured him, he went through a lot of pain, but he had to keep his De-Coder ring!! I mean it had some sort of worth to it, so he hid it up his ass so those damn Nazis couldn’t take it!! Sure he ended up dying from a rare colon disease, but hey, he wanted you to have it, so here you go!!!”<br><br>(Steve takes the ring)<br><br>Steve:”AHHH!!”<br><br>(Steve woke up, he was asleep at his desk, trying to start on his new assignment for Mr.T, various sketches are all over the desk.)<br><br>Steve:”Theres no way this is gonna sell, no way in hell.”<br><br>(Steve picks up a phone)<br><br> <br>Steve:”Sorry Mr.T, this comic isn’t gonna sell, im retiring.”<br><br>(Steve hangs up the phone)<br><br>Meanwhile................A very Angry Mr.T contemplates bustin a fools haid in.<br><br>(Mr.T sits at a table with Mia, his bling shining in the light, his mood is that of anger, the bartender walks up to Mr.T)<br><br>Mr.T:”Where is the suckah?”<br><br>Bartender:”He’s preparing to leave town, his boss doesn’t know anything.”<br><br>Mr.T:”I want his ass gone Suckah, you feel me?”<br><br>Bartender:”How do you want the search done my man.”<br><br>Mr.T:”I don’t care fool, just find the suckah, I want a nigga to pop out a damn rice patty in China to put lead into his ass fool!”<br><br>Bartender:”whatever you say boss.”<br><br>(Back to Steve)<br><br>(Steve flags down a Taxi, he gets in some guy sporting a black leather jacket popping prescription pills like crazy is driving)<br><br>Steve:”Take me to the South-End Hotel.”<br><br>????:”You know, time slows down when your looking down the barrel of a gun.”<br><br>Steve:”Um, yah, okay.”<br><br>Max:”The names, Payne, Max Payne (continues popping pills) so tell me, whats it like, living on the edge?”<br><br>Steve:”...................um great, I guess, whats with the pills?”<br><br>Max:”It takes, the painful memories away, thats my life, like a snail moving slowly on the end of a razor blade, damn, I can’t even feel my hands anymore..................”<br><br><br>Steve:”Right, you think its safe for you to drive?”<br><br><br> <br>Max:”(pops some pills)Drive? I spent a half of my tragic life, driving carelessly into a void of depression, and first person Noir narratives, sometimes, I wish that the brakes would go out on this road to hell, but guess im not that fortunate, life seems to want me to suffer.<br><br>Steve:”right.....................................”<br><br>Max:”(pops more pills)But I continue to carry on, the pills take the edge off, making even the most painful part of living, another self-induced lie, letting the shells hit the floor to find answers, the cold reality of the world comes to a screeching halt, to help me vomit up the remains of my torn heart, To me, everything is gray, a swirling whirlpool of bad plot, like a badly written sitcom that kills the laughter inside my head, I then find myself talking to the gun, asking it to lend me a stress reliever, it never helps.”<br><br>Steve:”............whatever you say man........”<br><br>(15 minutes later...............)<br><br>(Steve arrives at a hotel, he steps out the Cab)<br><br>Steve:”(hands Max some bills) now, what are you gonna say if someone asked you who you were carrying around town?”<br><br>Max:”Some guy with a shambled past, and bad taste for clothing, said something about quoting Shakespeare while dancing with a lampshade over his head, another drug induced disco that never stops.”<br> <br>Steve:”Right..................”<br><br>Max:”(pops more pills) See you then, remember, in the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king.”<br><br>(Cab drives off into the night)<br><br>Steve:”Weirdo.......”<br><br>(Steve makes his way up a flight of stairs, he opens a door, and turns on a light switch)<br><br>????:”keep the light off.”<br><br>Steve:”That good enough babe?”<br><br>(The person Steve talks to is his girlfriend, a short, black haired Russian bombshell, her name is Nina)<br><br>Nina:”Yes, thank you, who were you talking to?”<br> <br>Steve:”Nothing, just some druggie....”<br><br>Nina:”So your quiting?”<br><br>Steve:”Yup.”<br><br>Nina:”So what about Mr.T? he’s bound to come looking for you.”<br><br>Steve:”Nah, im sure we can manage to get away.”<br><br>Nina:”Really? So the thought of us being in danger is just a game to you?”<br><br>Steve:”No, im just really tired.”<br><br>(Steve passes out from exhaustion, He continues to hear odd Noir narratives, and depressing violin music in his dreams)<br><br>(A loud bang is heard)<br><br>Steve:”(wakes up) Wha........the fuck is going on?”<br><br>(The T.V. is blaring, a old action movie is playing.)<br><br>Steve:”(sees Nina brushing her teeth) Whats this?”<br><br>Nina:”Some old movie.”<br><br>Steve:”Lil bit early for unrealistic explosions and big Afros don’t you think?”<br><br>(Steve gets up and around, and begins searching for something)<br><br>Steve:”Damnit, you seen my decoder ring anywhere?”<br><br>Nina:”No, im sure I packed it.”<br><br>Steve:”The hell you say!! Where is it (begins throwing stuff around) DAMNIT!!”<br><br>(Nina stares, she’s in a state of shock)<br><br>Steve:”Do you know what my dad went through to get that ring to me? NAZI NINJAS!!, I cant believe its not here!!, I gotta go back to the apartment!!”<br><br>Nina:”What about those men who are after you?”<br><br>Steve:”Babe, I’ll be careful, I promise.”<br> <br>Nina:”okay...............”<br><br>(Steve exits the room)<br><br><br><br><br>(Steve walks down various back-alleys, until he comes to a group of apartment buildings, he makes his way to a door, he slowly slides the key into the lock, he opens the door, He walks into the apartment, he makes his way into his room, and finds a small green ring on a small kangaroo statue.)<br><br>Steve:”Got it!! (walks out of the room)”<br><br>(Steve makes his way towards the exit, he pauses, only to see a sub-machine gun on a table, with a silencer on it ,he picks it up. a flushing noise is heard, the bathroom, Steve aims the gun...........)<br><br>(Bathroom door opens, Vince is seen, holding some sort of book)<br><br>Vince:”...........................”<br><br><br>Steve:”(notices book) Is, Is that my rare copy of Fantastic Four?”<br><br>(Steve Looks closer, there’s a smudge on the comic)<br><br>Steve:”Oh, Its on Muthafuckah, (Pulls Trigger)”<br><br>(Vince is riddled with bullets, he falls into the bathroom, Steve steps in, someone was sent here to kill him, and it wouldn’t do him any good to stick around any longer.)<br><br>(Steve heads for the exit, putting the gun on a coffee table, wiping his fingerprints off of it,)<br><br>(Steve makes his way to his car, He gets in, Turning up the radio, ALL YOUR BASE is playing.)<br><br>Steve:”Thats the way your gonna get em Steve, just keep Pw3ning them all.”<br><br>(Steve drives until he arrives at a stoplight, humming the tune of ALL YOUR BASE, a figure crosses the road in front of him.....................a bright light blinds Steve)<br><br>Mr.T:”(carrying a box of doughnuts and glass of milk) I PITY THE FOOL!!!!!!!”<br><br>(Steve hits the gas, hitting Mr.T, and flys into a wall, he blacks out)<br><br> <br>Moments later....................<br><br>Random Passerby1:”Is he dead?”<br><br>Random Passerby2:”Yup, looks like it.”<br><br><br&gt;(Mr.T blinks for a few moments, what happened, he remembered carrying his milk and then.............)<br><br>Mr.T:”What the........What Happened Fools!!?”<br><br>Random Passerby3:”That guy was a maniac, he hit you with that car, but you seem alright.”<br><br>Mr.T:”(looking at the shattered remains of his milk) WHERE IS THE SUCKAH?”<br><br>Random Passerby2:”There!! (points to a wrecked vehicle, across the street)”<br><br>Mr.T:”Oh, he’s a dead suckah! (Picks up the random passerby)”<br><br>(Steve is recovering from the crash, still trying to recollect his thoughts on what just happened, then he heard it, loud music(The A-team theme), and a gold light that nearly blinded him.)<br><br>Steve:”OH SHIT!!!”<br><br>(A person flies across the road like a javelin, hitting the person beside Steve, making them both explode in a unrealistic-like fashion)<br><br>Mr.T:”I PITY THE FOOL!!!”<br><br>(Steve runs, the music gets louder. He stumbles)<br><br>Mr.T:”GET BACK HERE SUCKAH!!!”<br><br>(Steve runs into a nearby shop, a sign that reads “HENTAI HUT”, inside, the guy behind the counter is busy, ah erm, well, wanking off to a hentai statue, he stops abruptly when Steve barges in)<br><br>????:”AHHH!!! what the hell are you up to?!!?!”<br><br>Steve:”(grabs statue off the table) Just shut the fuck up!”<br><br>(Mr.T barges in, Steve hits him with the statue, Mr.T hits the ground)<br><br>Mr.T:”UGH!!”<br> <br>Steve:”(pulling Mr.T by the collar punching him) Feel that big guy? Thats pride, (hits him again) FUCKIN WIT YA!!!”<br><br>Mr.T:”I.....PITY.....DA....FOO!?!”<br><br>(“Click” {Shotgun cocking noise}, Steve stands upright in shock)<br><br>Shop Owner:”(wields a fruity looking shotgun)Drop the statue.”<br><br>Steve:”You don’t understand”<br><br>Shop Keep:”Get your foot off the Darkie, and step up to the counter.”<br><br>Mr.T:”WHAT YOU SAY SUCKAH?!!? (suffers from a bloody nose)”<br><br>Steve:”Fuck!!, you don’t (kicks Mr.T on the way over) understand.”<br><br>Shop Keep:”Keep coming, thats it (hits Steve in the face with butt of the shotgun, Steve hits the floor with a loud thud)”<br><br>(Mr.T, begins to black out, if only he could toss this suckah..............passes out)<br><br>Shop Keep:” (picks up phone, dials a number) Matt, it’s Alex, yeah, Tentacles just caught a couple of Virgins, alright, see you then.”<br><br>(Screen fades to black)<br><br>Moments Later..........................<br><br>(The pain was beginning to set in, he felt a icy cold chill spread over him, Steve wakes up, only to find himself bound and gagged in a basement, Mr.T was the same way also, various sex toys litter the room, along with posters of Hentai on the walls,.)<br><br>Alex:”Heh, nobody kills anybody in my shop cept me, and Matt,”<br><br>(Doorbell rings)<br><br>Alex:”Thats Matt......”<br><br>(Alex walks up the stairs, voices are heard, Steve looks over to Mr.T his facial expressions were that of confusion)<br><br>(Footsteps hit the stairs, Alex comes down with some guy dressed like a office worker)<br><br>Matt:”These the two?”<br> <br>Alex:”Yep, That one (points to Steve) was gonna kill that one (points to Mr.T)”<br><br>Matt:”(looks at Steve) That right? You were gonna kill him son?”<br><br>Steve:”......................”<br><br>Matt:”Go get the Slave.”<br><br>Alex:”.............but he’s sleepin.”<br><br>Matt:”Go wake him up then.”<br><br>(Alex walks to a door and opens it, a figure dressed in a weird alien like costume falls out, chained in a closet, Alex pulls him by a leash, handing him over to Matt)<br><br>Alex:”Which one we gonna do first?”<br><br>Matt:”(drums his fingers on the Closet Gimp’s head) I dunno.......(looks to Steve, then to Mr.T, singing something to the tune of “Catch a darkie by his toe” his finger stops and points at Mr.T) guess that means you big guy.”<br><br>Mr.T:”MHPHRPHPH!!”<br><br>Matt:”Shhh......so where we gonna do this at?”<br><br>Alex:”How bout, Otakon’s old room?”<br><br>Matt:”Alrite, (drags Mr.T off into a room)”<br><br>(Mr.T tries to struggle)<br><br>Alex:”(Ties Closet Gimp to a rafter) Watch this one.”<br><br>(Closet Gimp looks at Steve, Alex enters the room with Matt, Screams and moans are heard)<br><br>Closet Gimp:”(looks at Steve) mrphmh, (lauughs)”<br><br>Steve:”(breaks free of the chair)Shit, im gettin out of here!”<br><br>(Closet Gimp begins to scream, Steve Hits him, the closet gimp is knocked out, and hangs himself by the rafters)<br><br>(Steve runs to the counter, a pair of keys are laying on the counter, he grabs them, and heads for the exit, but hesitates, still hearing the moans and screams in the basement)<br><br> <br>Steve:”aw fuck................”<br><br>(Steve looks around for a weapon, he picks up a odd shaped hammer, no good, he picks up a gun, unfortunately this was a gross looking vibrator, he looks on the top shelf, and eyes a Katana.)<br><br>Steve:”Hell yeah. (Unsheaths katana, it’s a sharp as hell, dildo)EWWWW!!”<br><br>(Steve shrugs his shoulders)<br><br>Steve:”......Well...............it is a Hentai Shop”<br><br>(Steve makes his way down into the basement, slowly sneaking towards the door, he pushes it open, )<br><br>Alex:”Oh yeahhhhhhh, (dressed in a weird outfit, jerking off) take it to the bank daddy!!”<br><br>(Steve saw Mr.T, he was being raped by Matt, Mr.T turns his head to see Steve.)<br><br>(Alex turns around, Steve Slashes him in the gut, Alex’s innards hit the ground)<br><br>Matt:”ARGHHHHH!!! (sees Alex hit the floor in a bloody heap)”<br><br>(Matt tries to run towards a box with the shotgun on it, Steve holds the Katana to his neck)<br><br>Steve:”You want that gun, don’t ya Matt?”<br><br>(Matt tries to move towards the gun)<br><br>Steve:”That a boy, you want that gun don’t ya? Go ahead, I want you to pick it up.”<br><br><br>Mr.T:”MOVE SUCKAH!!!:<br><br>(A familar sound hits Steve’s ears, The A-team music, he ducks out the way)<br><br>Matt:”(Grabs shotgun) YARGHHHH!!! (Shoots Mr.T.)<br><br>(Mr.T’s gold bounces the shells back at Matt, hitting him in the balls, he falls to the ground In pain)<br><br>Mr.T:”I PITY THE FOOL WHO TRIES TO RAPE THE T!!”<br><br>Steve:”..........you alrite?”<br><br>Mr.T:”Hell no suckah!! I should throw you for askin!!”<br> <br>Steve:”So what about me and you?”<br><br>Mr.T:”Fool, there is no me and you..”<br><br>(Matt howls in agony)<br><br>Steve:”So we cool?”<br><br>Mr.T:”Oh yeah suckah, we cool, two things though, one, you leave town tonight, and when you gone suckah, you stay gone, or you be gone fool, got it?<br><br>Steve:”yeah.........”<br><br>Mr.T:”Second thing, you don’t tell anybody about this, this is between you, me, and Mr. Soon to be spend the rest of his agonizing life in the orbit of the Sun, rapist here, YOU HERE ME HILL BILLY BOY? IM NOT DONE WITH BY DAMN SIGHT, IM ABOUT TO PITY YO ASS!”<br><br>Steve:”.....................(Walks up steps)”<br><br>Mr.T:”(Cracks knuckles) I pity, the fool.”<br><br>(Steve takes the keys out of his pocket and exits the shop, a Pink Vespa Scooter with rainbow handlebar streamers)<br><br>Steve:”you gotta be kiddin me..........”<br><br>(Steve starts up the scooter, and heads to the hotel)<br><br>Steve:”(running up steps) Nina, NINA!!”<br><br>(Nina opens the door)<br><br>Nina:”Whats going on?”<br><br>Steve:”Honey we gotta go!”<br><br>Nina:”Why are you covered in blood?”<br><br>Steve:”Babe, cmon, we gotta hit the fuckin road!!”<br><br>Nina:”...........whats going on?”<br><br>Steve:”Look, today has been single handedly the most fucked up day of my life, now hop on.”<br><br>Nina:”who’s scooter is this?”<br> <br>Steve:”Matt’s baby.”<br><br>Nina:”Whos he?”<br><br>Steve:”One dead muthafuckah baby, one dead muthafuckah.”<br><br>(Steve and Mina ride off into the sunset)<br><br>Meanwhile, back at the Hentai Hut..........................<br><br><br>(A loud scream fills the air, a tiny blip of a man, is flung into orbit)<br><br>(Mr.T walks out of the shop, still angry, but he was alive, he had to be thankful for that.)<br><br>Mr.T:”(Pauses for a minute) wait a minute, I was raped by a white man, saved by the very fool who fucked me over on my money, and broke my glass of milk.....................................................................................................................................................................................................I PITY THE FOOL!!”<br><br>(The A team music starts up again, Mr.T runs at sonic speed after steve, Screen fades to black, and a loud crash and explosion can be heard)<br><br><br><br>Final Chapter: That Sake Drinkin Fool (fastest homicide clean-up ever)<br><br>(A lone figure hides in a basement bathroom, holding a crossbow, he heard gun fire, he started to grip the crossbow tighter, this was a business deal gone wrong, he could tell, that he might not get out of this alive, voices are heard on the other side of the door.)<br><br>Jules:”Yes you did, you tried to fuck him like a bitch, and Mr.T doesn’t like to be fucked by anyone besides his wife, you read comics stan?”<br><br><br>(The crossbow guy hears Stan, he’s in pain, looks like he’s fucked he thought.......)<br><br>Jules:”well there’s this quote , from A comic I read, HellBlazer, “Knack, I daresay I call it an art form,” and do you know what kind of knack I’ve developed Stan?”<br><br>(Stan says something, hard to hear because of the door)<br><br>Jules:”Killing people that try fuck my boss!!”<br><br>(Gunshots fill the air, a loud thud echoes in the basement, Stan is dead, now was the time to strike, hell, maybe the crossbow would be worth the 500 dollars spent on it.)<br><br>(Door Swings open)<br><br>Crossbow Guy:”For ROHAN!!!! (fires crossbow)”<br><br>(Jules and Vince are still standing, they look behind them, arrows are stuck in the wall. They turn back around.................)<br><br>Crossbow Guy:”aw, fuck..................”<br><br>(Vince and Jules open up on the poor bastard, the crossbow guy hits the ground in a bloody heap)<br><br>Jules:”You see that? That weapon was bigger than him.”<br><br>Vince:”Yeah, and?”<br><br>Jules:”There’s no fucking “And” to it, this was Divine Intervention, do you know what that is Vincent?”<br><br>Vince:”(examining the holes in the wall) You mean, that god came down from heaven and saved us?”<br><br> <br>Jules:”Yes, don’t you agree?”<br><br>Vince:”No, we just got lucky, now we gotta jet, unless you rather spend a night in jail.”<br><br>Jules:”Don’t fucking do this Vince, We witnessed a miracle, and I want you to fucking acknowledge it!”<br><br>Vince:”Alite, it was a “Miracle” can we leave now?”<br><br>(Hooded guy from before is trembling, Vince walks over to him)<br><br>Vince:”Did it slip your mind, that someone was back there with a old ass weapon? Did it slip your mind?”<br><br>Bilbo(hooded guy):”Im fucked, Im so fucked.................”<br><br>Jules:”Bilbo, chill out man.”<br><br>Vince:”This guy is starting to piss me off, tell em to knock that shit off.”<br><br>Jules:”Bilbo, chill, I’d stop that shit if I was you.”<br><br>Vince:”Come on we gotta leave.”<br><br>(Vince and Jules exit the room, the hooded guy is dragged along)<br><br>Moments later...........................in Jule’s car................<br><br>Vince:”I mean come on, its just not possible, I read this article once, this guy was in a shootout with the cops, and the cop unloaded on the dude, and missed every shot, its just freaky thats all.”<br><br>Jules:”Whatever, I’ve opened my eyes, this is it for me man.”<br><br>Vince:”What? Your quiting over this? You cant let something like this affect you.”<br><br>Jules:”Yeah, well you can be blind to the truth, but I’m done, im gonna give the Big Man his case, and tell him Im done.”<br><br>Vince:”Bet 500 bucks he laughs.”<br><br>Jules:”I don’t care, he can laugh, im done.”<br><br>(Vince turns around to Bilbo, gun still in hand)<br><br>Vince:”Yo, Bilbo, what do you make of all this?”<br> <br>Bilbo:”I don’t know, I just dig holes..................”<br><br>Vince:”You mean to tell me god came down from heaven and stopped us from being killed?”<br><br>(Car hits a bump, Vince’s gun goes off, blood flies everywhere, the car’s interior is a tinge of deep red.)<br><br>Jules:”WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?”<br><br>Vince:”Aw damn, I shot Bilbo in the face.”<br><br>Jules:”Why the fuck did you do that?”<br><br>Vince:”It was an accident, I swear.”<br><br>Jules:”Aw man, this is some fucked up shit...”<br><br>Vince:”Just relax man, just call Big Man and take care of it.”<br><br>Jules:”Damnit Vince, we’re in the middle of the fucking valley, Big Man doesn’t have any connections out here! We gotta get off the road, damn pigs are bound to notice a car covered in blood!!”<br><br>Vince:”Well fuck!! What are we gonna do?”<br><br>Jules:”(pulls out a cell phone dialing numbers) I gotta call one of my partners in Purgatory Heights, If Ansem’s Ass isn’t home then I don’t know what we’re gonna do, Yo Ansem! Look man, My friend and I are in some deep shit and need to use your garage for a lil while.”<br><br>30 Minutes later...................<br><br>(Jules and Vince are standing in a kitchen drinking coffee)<br><br>Jules:”Damn Ansem, this is some damn good coffee, Me and Vince could’ve gone with some regular tasters choice shit, but you go all out with the gourmet shit!”<br><br>(Ansem is standing across from Jules and Vince, wearing a black T-shirt, with some old deathmetal band on the front, he looks very pissed, still trying to get rid of a hangover)<br><br>Ansem:”Knock it off Jules, I only buy the good shit because my wife buys crap, when I go out to buy the gourmet stuff because I wanna taste it, but the coffee isn’t whats on my mind, no, it’s the dead Nerd in my fuckin garage, does this look like the Dead Nerd Storage?”<br><br>Jules:”Ansem my nigga, chill....”<br><br> <br>Ansem:”Don’t fucking tell me to chill, Does this look like the Dead Nerd Storage?”<br><br>Jules:”No..............but.......”<br><br>Ansem:”Wanna know why? BECAUSE STORING DEAD NERDS ISN’T MY FUCKING JOB!!! OKAY!, my wife gets home in half an hour, graveyard shift at the hospital, if she comes home and sees you two, im gonna get fuckin divorced, and trust me, I don’t want that, I had to go through a lot of booze to marry her, and I sure as hell don’t wanna lose the only thing I can fuck that wont cost me an arm and leg!!!”<br><br>Jules:”Relax Ansem........I’ll take care of it.”<br><br>Ansem:”You better, you wanna make some calls, wanna get some people, then do it, and get the fuck outta my house!”<br><br>(Moments later, Jules is talking to Big Man on his cell phone)<br><br>Mr.T:”So you say this fools wife will freak if she sees you fools?!!”<br><br>Jules:”Yes.”<br><br>Mr.T:”Well no shit, she’s gonna have a heart attack fool!”<br><br>Jules:”You gotta understand this situation here, if his wife comes in and sees a couple of gangstas doing some gangsta shit, she’s bound to blow, so I all I’m wanting to hear from yo ass, chill them niggas out, and wait for the calvary which should be here directly.”<br><br>Mr.T:”Chill them suckahs out, and wait for my man Auron to take care of ya suckah!”<br><br>Jules:”You sending Auron?”<br><br>Mr.T:”Feel better suckah?”<br><br>Jules:”Negro please, thats all you had to say. (Hangs up phone)”<br><br>Moments later.......................................................................<br><br>(A loud screeching noise is heard, a expensive car pulls up in front of the house, a mysterious figure stumbles out, the doorbell rings, Ansem opens the door)<br><br>Auron:”(takes a swig from a sake jug) You..............your Ansem? Hic......correct?”<br><br>Ansem:”Yeah, come on in.”<br><br><br> <br>(Auron is clad in a ronin outfit, with dark shades, he reeks of alcohol, he looks at Jules and Vincent)<br><br>Auron:”Hic..............wheres the booze, I mean, the body?”<br><br>Jules:”In the garage....”<br><br>Auron:”good.........we need (looks at Ansem) Booze, lots of it. Now.”<br><br>Ansem:”Alrite...................”<br><br><br>10 minutes later...........<br><br>(Bottles litter the floor Auron dances like a maniac)<br><br>Auron:”Yeah, get down, get funky!”<br><br>Jules:”Yeah, hey man we gotta hurry and get this car cleaned up.”<br><br>Auron:”(drinks more Sake) good, show me............”<br><br>(Auron and co. enter the garage.)<br><br>Auron:”hic............wow.................so hows the car run?”<br><br>Jules:”Fine.”<br><br>Auron:”Good, do you have Shopuff insurance?”<br><br>Jules:”Yeah I guess.........”<br><br>Auron:”Excellent, you (looks at Ansem) More booze..........”<br><br>Ansem:”Shit, there goes Friday night,”<br><br>5 minutes later........................<br><br>(The garage is littered with vodka bottles)<br><br>Auron:”Yeah get down, get funkyyy!!!”<br><br>Jules:”Are you gonna help us or what?”<br><br>Auron:”Yes, now behold (waves hand,) Esuna!111!!”<br> <br>(A white light flashes in the area, the car is clean, the body is in the trunk)<br><br>Jules:”Damn, how did you do that?”<br><br>Auron:”booze Accelerates my senses, basicly.........hic! I cleaned it super fast...........hic!!”<br><br>Ansem:”I hope your gonna pay me for all the booze you drank, hell I cant stay sober forever you know!”<br><br>(Auron tosses Ansem a wad of bills)<br><br>Auron:”There.........booze it up young Apprentice.....hic!!, now for phase two, cleaning you two, (Turns to Ansem,) Get some clothes for these guys, and..........some Vodka.................Hic!!”<br><br>Ansem:”Damn, intoxicated yet?”<br><br>Moments later.......................<br><br>(Jules and Vince are dressed in colorful t-shirts, they look like beach bums)<br><br>Ansem:”Hahaha, goddamn Jules, you look funny man!”<br><br>Jules:”.........................hahhahah, your clothes muthafuckah.”<br><br>Vince:”You know what we look like Jules?”<br><br>Auron:”Like a couple of warriors with a wardrobe malfunction.....hic!!”<br><br>Jules:”...........................”<br><br>Auron:”Now, we’re gonna head to a junkyard to get rid of the car, you guys follow me, if any John-Q laws stop you, just floor it, hic!! Got it?”<br><br>Jules:Got it.”<br><br>Ansem:”Auron, thanks a lot man”<br><br>Auron:”your welcome, mind if I come over for drinks later?”<br><br>Ansem:”Fuck no, hell I gotta go out and get some more booze later, shit, damn drunk.”<br><br>30 Minutes later......................<br><br>(Jules, Vince, and Auron arrive at a junkyard, Auron walks out with a nice looking woman)<br><br> <br>Auron:”Boys, this is Tifa Lockheart, me lady, She was kind enough to dispose of the body for you.”<br><br>Tifa:”Hiya!”<br><br>Auron:”Only thing left to do is hic. Get you guys home, where do you live?”<br><br>Jules:”Inglewood”<br><br>Vince:”Orange Grove”<br><br>Auron:”...............call a cab, im takin my lady out for a drink, hic!!”<br><br>(Auron drives off with Tifa, nearly running over various pedestrians)<br><br>Vince:”Wanna have breakfast with me?”<br><br>Jules:”Yeah, sounds good.”<br><br>1 hour later..............<br><br>(Jules and Vince are in a diner, eating breakfast)<br><br>Jules:”We handled that pretty well didn’t we?”<br><br>Vince:”Yeah, guy can hold in a lot of booze thats for damn sure.”<br><br>Jules:”Hell, If I drank that much, I could fill the fuckin Grand Canyon to the brim nigga.”<br><br>(Vince laughs)<br><br>Vince:”See thats good, your starting to lighten up a bit, lately you’ve been going on about quitin and shit.”<br><br>Jules:”I’m still gonna do it.”<br><br>Vince:”Your gonna give up the life?”<br><br>Jules:”Yeah, you didnt feel moved by this miracle?”<br><br>Vince:”You witnessed a miracle, I witnessed a freak occurrence, besides what are you gonna do?”<br><br>Jules:”Well, thats what I’ve been contemplating, im thinking about walking the earth, like Kang, from Kung-Fu, just wondering around, having adventures, meeting people.”<br> <br>Vince:”You decided to become a bum then?”<br><br>Jules:”I’ll just be Jules, Vincent, no more, no less.”<br><br>Vince:”no, you decided to become a bum, just like all the other fuckers out there that wonder the streets begging for food, wearing the signs with “THE END IS NIGH” on the front, you’ve decided to become a bum, why you gotta do this?”<br><br>Jules:”If my answers frighten you Vincent, then you should stop seeking scary questions.”<br><br>Vince:”Your just.....(pauses) Im gonna take a shit.”<br><br>(Vince walks over to the bathrooms)<br><br>(On the other side of the diner)<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”Alrite, lets do this!”<br><br>(Dbz fanboys jump out of the booth with hands cupped in Kamehameha stances, one fanboy does a final flash stance, all are armed.)<br><br>Dbz fanboy1:” PUT YOUR FUCKIN HANDS UP PEOPLE!! OR I’LL BLAST ALL OF YOU!!, HOLD OUT YOUR WALLETS OR BE PW3ND!!111!!”<br><br>(Dbz fanboys start taking up wallets)<br><br>(Jules pulls back the hammer on his gun, )<br><br>Dbz Fanboy 2:”Hey. Look at the afro guy!!”<br><br>(Dbz Fanboy 1 walks over to Jules.)<br><br>Dbz Fanboy 1:”Gimme your wallet.”<br><br>(Jules puts wallet in the bag)<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”Whats in the case?”<br><br>Jules:”My boss’s dirty laundry.”<br><br>Dbz:”HAHAHAH!! You do it often?”<br><br>Jules:”Yeah, when he wants it done.”<br><br>Dbz: fanboy 1:”Give it to me.”<br> <br>Jules:”Afraid I cant do that.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 3:”What did he say?”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”We got a vigilante boys.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 2:”Just blast his ass to the next demension!!1111<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”Alrite, (points gun at Jules) im gonna count to 3 n00b, and if you don’t open the case, im gonna blast you (still cups hands) 1, 2,..................”<br><br>Jules:”Alrite, you win, (opens case, gold light floods out)”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”That what I think it is?”<br><br>Jules:”(nods head)”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 2:”It’s brighter than a dragonball!11111<br><br>(Jules catches Dbz fanboy 1 off guard, pulling him towards his gun, the 9 mm pressed up against the fanboys skull)<br><br>Dbz fanboy 2:”OMFG!!!, drop the gun n00b!!”<br><br>(DBZ fanboy 3 trys to take a shot at Jules, but blows off his own hand)<br><br>Dbz fanboy 3:”YARGGH!!”<br><br>Jules:”Alrite pal, im gonna count to three, when I reach three, you sit yo ass down, got it, 1,2, 3.”<br><br>(DBZ fanboy 1 sits down, around that time Vince comes out of the bathroom gun raised at the other dbz fanboy)<br><br>Dbz fanboy 2:”OMFG!!!”<br><br>Jules:”Vince be cool!”<br><br>Vince:”Damnit, im droppin shells on this fuck.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 2:”No way n00b!!”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:” don’t kill him!!”<br><br>Jules:”He’s not gonna kill anyone, VINCE SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!”<br><br> <br>(Jules turns to the fanboy)<br><br>Jules:”Now, where were we? Ah yes (presses gun against the fanboys head) now I don’t wanna kill you, you caught me in a transitional period, let me ask you something, you read comics kid?”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”Yeah.”<br><br>Jules:”Well theres this quote I got memorized from Hellblazer. “Knack, I daresay I call it an artform.” when I said that, it meant your ass, you would be shipped off to the morgue with hot lead in your ass.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”.....................................”<br><br>Jules:”But, I’ve gone through a lot of shit today, and this case (closes case) is worth a lot to my boss, and I’ve been through to much shit just to hand it over to your dumb ass.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”............................”<br><br>Jules:”However, I’m willing to help you out, I’ve made a knack for killing people for a living, and im trying hard to redeem myself, pull out my wallet kid.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy :”Which one?”<br><br>Jules:”The one that says bad muthafuckah on it.”<br><br>(Fanboy pulls out Jule’s wallet)<br><br>Jules:”Open it, take out the money and count it.”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”1500 hundred bucks...........”<br><br>Jules:”It’s yours ,but its not free im buying something from you, you know what im buying from you kid?”<br><br>Dbz fanboy 1:”What?”<br><br>Jules:”Your life, and with all these wallets, this makes this a big score right?”<br><br>Vince:”Jules, if you give him that money I’ll shoot this fuck on principle!”<br><br>Jules:”SHUT THE FUCK UP VINCE!!”<br><br>(Jules turns back to the fanboy)<br><br>Jules:”Now, as I said before, I’m buying your life, so go, before I change my mind.”<br> <br><br>(The fanboys exit the diner, Jules looks down at the table, two figures appear on his left and right shoulder, two mini versions of himself, one wearing a black suit, the other a white.)<br><br>Bad Jules:”Nigga what is your deal, 1500 g’s? Shit whats your deal?”<br><br>Good Jules:”Hey nigga cant help it, he’s tryin to redeem himself...wait, 1500 hundred dollars?”<br><br>Bad Jules:”What? You hard of hearin nigga?”<br><br>Good Jules:”(points a tiny gun at Bad Jules) SAY WHAT AGAIN MUTHAFUCKAH!!!”<br><br>Bad Jules:”What!”<br><br>(Good Jules kills Bad Jules)<br><br>Good Jules:”This is the bullet of justice that caps evils ass!, remember that!! Now go get those crackahs and get yo money back, what the!!?”<br><br>(A small police car lands near Good Jules, a tiny chibi headed cop, cuffs Good Jules)<br><br>Chibi Cop:”Good Jules, im placing you under arrest for the murder of Bad Jules!”<br><br>Good Jules:”Aw fuck, bye nigga!!!”<br><br>(Figures vanish from Jule’s shoulder)<br><br>Jules:”Please don’t tell me I gave them the money.”<br><br>Vince:”You did.”<br><br>Jules:”(pulls out gun) Cmon, 1500 bucks, what was I thinkin?”<br><br>(The dbz fanboys are walking down the sidewalk, they turn around to see Jules and Vince pull out guns)<br><br>DBZ FANBOYS:”OMFG WE IS SO PW3NDDDDDDDDD!!”<br><br>Jules:”Your damn right you are!!”<br><br>(Gunshots echo throughout the area, screen fades to black.)<br><br>THE END.<br>

My talent's for lying. For sticking the knife in when people least expect it. Then walking away with a smile and a wave before they even realise they're bleeding.

RE: Contest Winning Parody:Nerd Fiction
8-7-2007 2:36:03 PM
AndY

Join Date: 5-17-2007
Posts: 658
Location: The Scottish Borders
Quote  #2

ahh i love this

Fuck all you gun toting hick gangster wannabe's
 
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